Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Who called it med school and not the I.V. League

friend: i really need your advice

me finishing a bottle of wine while stalking all the girls my ex follows on IG: yes of course, you’ve come to the right person

If its a ghost ship why does it have to be on water

I’ve been listening to the official workout station on Pandora for 3 months and I’m still fat, I’m calling bullshit.

“Your keys are over THERE.”
– Wow. You have eagle eyes!
“Yup. My vision is 20/20.”
– No. I mean they’re small, beady & kinda close together.

My husband’s car radio is broken and stuck on a country station. I feel personally victimized when I have to ride with him.

[ER]

Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet

Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg

D: Such as?

M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—

D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent

When someone tries to shush me by handing me a donut, I feel so conflicted.

My biggest fear about being on death row is having to choose a last meal. “I don’t know, what do you want?”

Some people are just better left alone.

In a jacket, in a room with padded walls.

As my friend confessed, “My teenage daughter never even talks to me,” I struggled to conceal my jealousy.

Only wearing tennis skirts from now on and frankly disappointed in myself for not thinking of it sooner.

I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con

My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time.

[walking into museum]

i must read each and every description, really soak up the history

*after 20 minutes*

can i sit on this or is it art?

At least I can say I tried. I didn’t try, but I can say I did.

⚪️🟧🟢⚪️🟡
🟢⚪️⚪️🟡⚪️
🟡⚪️🟧⚪️🟢
🟧⚪️⚪️🟢🟡
⚪️🟢🟡⚪️🟧
🟡⚪️🟧⚪️⚪️
⚪️🟧⚪️🟡🟢
🟢⚪️🟡🟧⚪️
🟡⚪️⚪️🟢🟡
🟧🟢⚪️🟡🟢

not wordle, just some fried rice ☺️

Instead of saying you lost your eyesight due to an explosion while you were making meth, just tell people that you were blinded by science.

Shirts that say SWAG and YOLO for sale at Walmart. Because dressing like an idiot should be affordable.

1 PM: I can’t wait to go to bed

1 AM: I should reorganize the garage

[after giving performance of a lifetime]

ME: I only wish… I only wish my dad could see me now

MUFFLED VOICE FROM BEHIND EXTREMELY TALL AUDIENCE MEMBER: I’m sure you did great son

If you watch Intervention backwards, it’s about a person partying hard after an awful family reunion.

Drinking ink won’t kill you, you’ll just dye a little inside.

Commercial for elbows:
A frustrated man steers his car with totally straight arms. “Why did I go with the cheap arms?!”
Narrator: “Elbows”

Slip ‘n Slide should be a universal mode of transportation. I refuse to budge on this

Dr: do you have kids?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Dr: do you drink?
me: yes I have 3 kids

What if Canada is just like 100 dudes faking a country like that scene in Home Alone where Kevin fakes the party?

Not me DoorDashing Taco Bell at 330am and messaging the driver “Please don’t ring the doorbell and wake people up. I don’t want to share.”

*eating a brick of cheese like a stick of butter, which I eat like a burrito, which I eat like an ear of corn*

My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.

I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.

In space, no one can hear you scream.
In cyberspace, no one can shut you up.