All I’m saying is, a loose grip on reality is better than no grip on reality.
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The concept of a sister wife doesn’t bother me so much as the fact there’d be one more person in my damn way this morning.
*getting murdered*
WAIT!!!!!!!
*buys new underwear and put them on.*
*flosses*
*sets phone on fire*Okay, proceed.
My son has a hard time waking up in the morning so he downloaded an obnoxious sounding alarm on his phone to ensure he wouldn’t oversleep.
So far the only people awake from it this morning are me, my husband & our neighbors.
Told the kids they could handle making their own cheese sandwiches today, & they looked at me like I’d asked them to forage for nuts & berries in the desert after they climbed to the top of Mt Kilimanjaro while a few hippos were strapped to their backs.
BANK EMPLOYEE: what if we stayed open later than 5:30?
CEO: that’s the dumbest shit i’ve ever heard
OTHER BANK EMPLOYEE: how bout a sign outside that displays the temperature 24/7
CEO: first of all, promoted
*cheats at bowling by rolling into the pins*
If people aren’t honking at you to go on the green light, you aren’t doing social media right.
If “bae” means bacon and eggs then yes, I’m chilling with my bae
[does ten push ups] I am a weapon
* Open bottle of wine*
*Takes a sip*
He loves me
*Takes another*
He loves me not…
In a movie, whenever someone gets fired they never have two boxes of belongings.
Misery: Hello there!
Company: I have a boyfriend…
My wife is not satisfied with my assurances that the spider is dead. I must also produce a death certificate, pictures from the funeral and the names and addresses of next of kin.
Local Thai place no longer suffering fools
Your Honor the defense rests. They are so tired. Aww they look like angels when they sleep. Kinda makes u forget about the double homicide
The GF goes away for 10 days, *shits going to get wild
* sleeps in middle of bed
who called it a palindrome and not a palindnilap
I just paid off a credit card debt with a different credit card & now I get why people rob banks.
do you swear to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth
“starting now?”
yes
“the judge looks like squints from the sandlot”
*rips finished page from adult coloring book*
*puts it on daughter’s toy kitchen fridge*
Flat Earth is a conspiracy invented by Big Aluminum to sell more foil.
Took my son fishing and as I was carefully baiting the hook he came up to me with a minnow he caught in a ziplock bag and said ‘daddy you’re trying too hard’.
i’m a Leo which means i won’t win an Oscar for several more years
*talking to a baby*
Me: Can you say ‘dog’
Baby: *patronizingly* Can you say ‘Worcestershire’
Knitting socks for all the geese in the park, they were grateful until they got wet now I have angry geese in wet socks chasing me, this is a powerful lesson I won’t soon forget
I truly wonder what it sounded like when Medusa washed her hair at night.
The name Ella is short for Mozzarella
reminiscing fondly on my College roomy Vincent who, when told by the RAs that lava lamps are fire hazard banned from the dorms, replied “guys relax it’s not real lava”
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
#HatDadJoke