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Boss: You’re not fired but we’re taking away all your responsibilities.
Me: Cool, a promotion!
Boss: No–
Me: Sounds like a promotion to me.
You want me to fill my glass with ice? The thing that sunk the Titanic?
FITBIT: You’ve done 11k steps today.
ME: Ok, I’ll rest some.
FITBIT: stop now and I’ll murder you
ME: What?
FITBIT: I SAID GOOD FOR YOU!
The doctor wants me to start eating healthier to add years to my life. It’s like he doesn’t realize I’m married.
Tried arguing on the internet today.
Wouldn’t recommend it.
0 out of 5 stars.
Wife: You’re going to be a great Dad one day
Me: And you’ll make a great Mom one day too
Son: *From the basement* WHEN
I’ve known my drug dealer since I was this high.
If you see a woman sitting alone eating a kale salad just leave her and her sadness alone
11.45: Arrived at crime scene
11.45: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11.45: Found murder weapon in drain
11.45: Realised watch was broken
POLICE: POLICE! OPEN UP!
ME: My parents never loved me.
POLICE: NOT EMOTIONALLY! OPEN THE DOOR!
ME: That makes way more sense.
I hate babies when they are crying. I hate people who love babies & think babies are cute. I hate grown up babies who make more babies.
You’ve got some really nice shoulders. Can I put my arms around them?
My special skill is making detailed shopping lists and leaving them at home when I go to the store.
Whatever doesn’t kill you wakes you up at 5:00 AM on Sunday.
Last night,my friend changed all my contacts in my phone.I’ve been texted by Batman Donatello,Hermione Granger.I have no idea who they are.
Pringle’s: Once you pop, the fun don’t stop!
Me: *covered in Pringle’s shards and grease, surrounded by empty tubes* It’s true I’m having the time of my life
*rolls out of bed*
*rolls into other strategically placed bed*
“Nice.”
my neighbor is SO SWEET she somehow decided all of us neighbors on both sides love wind chimes SO MUCH she bought wind chimes for her backyard
Some mistakes you only make once, like sniffing your kids’ clothes to see if they’re dirty or clean
Me: I just need some time alone, please.
*closes door*– Ma’am, if you’re not trying on clothes, we’ll need you to leave the dressing room.
Forget spiders, I’ve incidentally consumed at least a kilo of dog hair.
Auto correct is my worst enema.
Friend: Good for you for working out.
Me: I said I done squat today.
If I ever go missing and theres a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at any gyms.
Home Alone is my favorite movie about how child neglect and bad parenting is hilarious
My kids acting shocked there’s ants in my car like they’re not Hansel and Gretel leaving fuckin crumb trails.
Airlines texting me “we in this together” emails but when my bag was 35kg I was on my own.
I’m older than the internet. When I was a kid we didn’t Google things, we had to ask our parents and then carefully filter through the bullshitery
*blows bubbles in your face to distract you as I take all of your tater tots*
My husband got some virtual reality goggles for christmas and so far I like them because they make him very vulnerable to attack.