Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I had a parent text me saying her 7yo son wouldn’t believe that she knew how to do a math homework problem he was confused about, and would I please text back saying she is correct so that he will get ready for bed. 😂

Someone once told me that women are like books, and they were right: they have names and spines, and there’s some in the library.

People who think this giraffe is taking forever to give birth have never listened to my daughter tell a story.

Dad: HEY come here, did you go to school with this guy on tv?
Me: Dad, that’s Spongebob Squarepants
Dad: Must’ve been in your sister’s class

Women. Can’t live with em, can’t live without titties.

Rise and shine, let us get back to normal life today 😂😂😂

[grocery store]

dad to his crying baby: shhh stop crying

[baby keeps crying]

me: wow, your baby does not listen

psa: clockwise doesn’t change just because you’re left-handed

FedEx would be a cool name for a restaurant for divorced couples

Fitness update: I rode a bike yesterday, and today it feels like I’m smuggling a baseball

Got to my dad’s house and he was showing me all the food he has for me to snack on and he goes “and I have a guacamole ball” what’s a guacamole ball you ask? well I will tell you. an avocado. He has an avocado.

A cheetah stalking its prey would be jealous of the way I pounce on the Skip Ad button on YT once the 5 seconds are up.

Maybe we should put monkeys in charge for a while just to see how it goes.

Terrified to visit my girlfriend’s small town for the holidays because I’m a workaholic from a big city and everyone keeps trying to teach me the true meaning of Christmas.

Got excited because I found $20 in the laundry. Then I remembered my kids don’t have jobs and the money was probably mine.

I wasn’t always a Reply Guy. I used to talk to the TV.

Sorry I can’t carpool to work. That’s the 20 minutes I use to angry scream.

It’s the man who is supposed to be getting up to make the coffee in the morning. It’s even in the Bible under “Hebrews.”

“When I’m dead, I’d like you to buy a $9,000 box and throw it down a hole.”

-Humans

Hubs sent me this text:
There’s no wrong way to tell the person you love that their beautiful.

Me: *they’re.

As a kid I only had the box of 8, but now that I’m an adult I can afford to eat an entire 64-count box of crayons.

love getting up in the middle of the night to make myself a little chaos snack. sure i’ll put chicken nuggets and cheese sticks in a tortilla. it’s 2 am god can’t see me here

Girlfriend is on her way over. Aaaaaaannd history deleted.

Sir, you tapping your foot behind me at this self checkout must mean you want me to slow down and read the nutritional label on each individual item.

The law of children dictates that for every water bottle brought into your car, 37 more water bottles appear on the floor of your car.

ME: I’m afraid I don’t have enough to make rent. Maybe there’s some *bites my bottom lip seductively*…. other sort of arrangement we can come up with.

FRIEND: Dude, this is why no one likes playing Monopoly with you.

kid: let’s go to disneyland
dad: fair enough
kid: no, disneyland

So I climb a tree and scream and its an “issue” but cicadas do it and its a natural marvel. OK.