All I’m saying is adults don’t tiptoe nearly as much as Saturday morning cartoons led me to believe.
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My dog stepped in the pumpkin pie. I’m serving it anyway.
Please stop talking about the weather. I recorded this season of The Weather Channel but I haven’t watched it yet.
“Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.”
– me, peeping at you in the shower
Have you ever been driving on a highway and afraid to exit the off ramp because it’s a sharp turn and the roads are full of snow so you just keep going until you hit Florida?
Day 7: My dogs and I switched roles and I’m the one following them around the house now.
[7th day of Christmas]
MY TRUE LOVE: Here’s some swans
ME: More birds, terrific. Look Karen my living room is covered in shit because of all the birds you’ve given me, this is kind of insane
me: thinking about getting into necrophilia
her: over my dead body
me: that’s the spirit
“You are what you eat” I whisper to myself as I pour my dead dog’s ashes into my cat’s food bowl
Alanis Morissette: It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a knife.
Spoons R Us clerk: Ma’am, nobody asked you to shop here.
Is there anything better than a hug or taking a tinkle after a 9 hour car ride?
I’ve been teaching the orcas how to sink boats. Soon I will ride one into battle and take my rightful position as lord of the seas right after I learn how to open my eyes underwater
Can someone who is good with computers help me out? I keep running out of storage space for some reason
A sheep walks into a bar. Lots more sheep follow, the barman counts them and falls asleep, the sheep help themselves to free drinks. Genius.
A guy from HS asked my best friend why I hate him.
She said, “It’s not personal. Amy hates everybody.”
It’s cool that she gets me.
FRIEND: let’s hang out
ME: *takes out my accordion*
ENEMY: I changed my mind
Instead of seizing the day, I’m going to make little “shoo shoo” motions at it.
absolutely not
At least I can garauntee that if I’m murdered nobody is going to pull that whole, ‘She lit up a room’ crap.
Since I’ve been scared of flying people have always tried to assuage said fear with “planes are way safer than cars!” and Boeing said “never mind!!!”
Judge: You need supervision.
Me: [Imagines toasting toast at a slightly increased rate with laser eyes] YES! Do it now robed wizard.
The United States is going to start minting pennies next year that will have a joke on the front with the answer on back.
They will be referred to as “cents of humor.”
[in bed]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: one time I licked the floor of a subway
HER: I meant-
ME: I use a rat as a loofa
Dear plastic wrap,
I wish you’d cling to something other than yourself.
– me
“I missed you today.”
“Awwww I missed you too.”
*both frantically reload dueling pistols*
The bad news is, I’ve failed yet again to poach eggs. The good news is, in my attempts I’ve discovered how to turn lead into gold.
No parenting book prepared me for “trying to dry a papier-mâché model of a red blood cell in your oven at 6am”.
Dearest wife,
The war on Christmas goes well. We found an elf stronghold & cut off its candy cane supply lines. Last night, they ate Donner.
To keep yourself healthy you should get 8 hours of sleep a day.
To keep the planet healthy you should get 24.
In school I was voted moist likely to have the worst typos.
Wonder why my son doesn’t want me to walk him to the bus stop?
Maybe I’d better unhook one of the straps on my overalls like the cool kids.