Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We need a streaming service that’s only ads. No shows, just commercials. They pay us $15 a month

“A car I’ve never seen before just parked outside. We’re gonna die CAN YOU HEAR ME Jesus Christ you’re not listening to me I said…”
– Dogs

Just bumped into Gloria Gaynor’s ghost!

At first I was afraid, I was petrified.

Titanic
Titanic 2: Ship Happens
Titanic 3: Let It Sink In
Titanic 4: The Quest For Peace

Take me down to Vatican City where the church loves greed and the Pope’s all quitty!

– Nuns N’ Moses

(I’m so sorry)

Sometimes I’ll run into a friend’s husband and think to myself, “bro you have no idea how hard I’ve worked to help save your marriage.”

I know it’s rude to ask someone about their pregnancy if you’re unsure, but my hubby looks about 4 months along & the suspense is killing me

ME: I wonder if it wrestles cutely too?
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the panda enclosure.
ME: lol. No. *gets mauled to death by panda*

If I had a nickel every time a recent film featured a nihilistic, multiverse traveling supervillain who causes the protagonist to encounter other versions of themselves all because of a bagel- I’d have two nickels. Which isn’t a lot but it’s weird that it happened twice.

I’m quite sure if Adam had offered Eve a donut, that whole Garden of Eden thing would’ve gone in an entirely different direction.

I’m in a very dark place right now.

Suggestions on getting these motion sensing lights in the public bathroom to come back on…?

Me: *shopping for turtlenecks*

Amazon: People who bought this item also bought lye, plastic sheeting, and a chainsaw

KFC suspends iconic ‘finger lickin’ good’ slogan amid coronavirus fears

ladies say I’m a hamster in the sheets because I squeal when I’m uncomfortable and I leave small pellets in the bed

My Kid: Are dinosaurs real?
Me: yes but they died
Kid: why did you kill them?
M: I didn’t!
Kid: did you forget to water them like our plants

if you’re a shakespeare character your chances of getting mauled by a bear while a clown watches are low but never zero

Mere moments after taking screen time away from my 6yr old as punishment I realized my grave mistake, the person really being punished was me.

front of the back of the
Christmas tree Christmas tree

I’m 97% positive that my working from home situation will be negatively impacted by the fact that I’m downloading Fallout 4 on my work laptop right now.

Ever meet one of these people that makes everything a competition? I’ve met more.

If anyone asks, I’m drinking all this wine to collect corks for a pinterest project.

If you feel like you’re about to punch someone, take a deep breath. Then exhale as you punch to get more power.

I don’t wanna get too political here, but I plan on voting for whichever candidate will do something about Meghan Trainor.

I hope that when everyone returns to my office they appreciate the pole I installed in the conference room. I can’t wait to show them the routine I’ve worked so hard on

I cut the size tags out of my clothes because I disagree.

There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.

Husband: We need to stop spending so much money.

Me: *fluffing the pillows on the dogs’ new paw patrol beds* not sure what you mean by that but okay.

Them: I don’t like you.
Me:

There’s no “I” in angel.

But there is one in devil!