PATIENT: Doc, I haven’t been able to bone my wife lately and I really think-
DR DOG: Wait. Tell me more about the bone part
All I’m saying is adults don’t tiptoe nearly as much as Saturday morning cartoons led me to believe.
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everyone says “writers don’t matter” until two guys with no clue how to tell a story are tasked with bringing an end to your favorite show.
My advice to the younger generation: make your mistakes now. Because by the time you’re 40, you’ll barely even remember them! And then you get to make the same mistakes all over again it’s really fun
“Shape of you” by Ed Sheeran is my favorite song about potatoes
[self-quarantine day 3]
must clean the house and bathe
[self-quarantine day 8]
have to get my shit together
[self-quarantine day 15]
can’t keep living like this
[self-quarantine day 21]
might be losing it
[self-quarantine day 34]
taught mr. wiggles to play “careless whisper”
woke up just in time to push my cat off the bed before he threw up. today is going to be magical.
her: can I get the kid’s meal?
the kid: wtf
I loved her polka dot dress. She had really nice taste and always looked amazing.
-me as a witness, describing the murderer
“First off I want to wish my opponent the best of luck and oh god. OH GOD NO” – presidential candidate accidentally using their 3rd wish
Mike Trout turns 26 today. If he keeps up this pace, he’ll be 30 in four years