All I’m saying is adults don’t tiptoe nearly as much as Saturday morning cartoons led me to believe.
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surgeon 1: open mike night tonight
surgeon 2: hope you don’t bomb like last time
surgeon 1: haha
surgeon 2: haha
Mike: what
[first day as a dentist] *encounters tongue* huh. this isn’t teeth
Just realized telling moms we have a lice scare gets me out of everything and I wish I’d thought of this earlier in my parenting journey.
My entire life is like that scene when Edward Scissorhands discovers a waterbed
The best coffee is outside my house but the best no bra is inside my house so you see my dilemma
This was a terrible day, I’m having live grenades for dinner.
6yo has two pregnant Barbies and one Ken doll. You could cut the tension in the Barbie camper with a tiny stiletto.
Parenting pro-tip: don’t own nice shit.
You know what they say. You can lead a camel to water but you can’t keep your leggings out of its toe
Had to try this trend 😊
The Internet is good for two things
1) People without clothes
2) Animals with clothes
Friend – I just got mugged by a guy walking his dog!
Me – What kind of dog was it? What was it’s name? Was it cute? Did you pet it?
My insurance does not cover Jesus taking the wheel. I checked.
Due to market uncertainty my wife asked if we should move around our money and I agreed.
I jiggled the change in my pocket.
Whoever had the bright idea of putting book jackets on children’s books clearly never had children of their own.
Therapist: We must remove our masks and express our true selves
Yoga instructor: True
Nutritionist: So wise
Raccoon: This is bullshit, Alan
TINDER SHOULD SHOW YOU WHAT AGE RANGE UR MATCHES ARE OPEN TO WHAT IF I MATCH WITH A GROWN MAN WHO HAS HIS PREFERENCES DOWN TO 18 HOLY SHIT NO BUENO
8yo: Can you just say nothing?
3yo: Nothing
8yo: No, just say nothing
3yo: Nothing!
8yo: No, can you just be silent?
3yo:
3yo: NOTHING!
Standing in the snow on a sub-zero morning, holding a steaming bag of poop, I begin to question my ‘dogs are better than people’ philosophy.
a psychic on the street just said “why don’t you come in for a reading sweetie” and without a beat I said “no thanks I can’t read” and I bet her psychic intuition didn’t warn her I’d say something that stupid
Me: [ Seizing the Day ]
Monday:
Jesus loves you.
But only as a friend.
no one’s wearing a mask anymore not even bank robbers
The purpose of twitter is to gain enough followers that you can post something like “eating a burger” and have 40 people reply saying hell yea
I gave a yelp review once.
In my defense, it was my first bikini wax.
I think we should send notes to our bosses like when we were in school seeing if your crush liked you but it’s “will you give me the raise I deserve check yes or no”
*comes into work with a sore throat*
*licks everyone’s face*
“I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly.” ~ me talking shit to my peanut butter sandwich.
“Don’t move or she’s dead” was the last thing the wife heard before the husband started tap dancing.