All I’m saying is adults don’t tiptoe nearly as much as Saturday morning cartoons led me to believe.

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You hate me: I’m the person that gets stuck in the slide at a water park. Everyone smashes into the back of me and we ooze down the slide in a sad people pile. I’m so sorry.


It’s amazing what happens when you take a little time to get to know someone.

They become even more annoying.


Her: You haven’t moved in days.

Me: We’re on this rock hurtling through space at 70,000 miles per hour.


Me: Seems like enough movement, don’t you think?


God I’m so stupid I was looking all over for my car keys, turns out they were on my head the entire time.


Writing about 2 dinosaurs who hate crime. They make motorcycles & badges from the meteorite that killed their dino buds. Called TriceraCOPS!


[Traffic stop]

Cop: I’m gonna need to see your ID.
George Washington: *hands him a one dollar bill*
Cop: Bribery huh!? Ok, outta the car!


damn girl are you calculus because I have no idea what youre talking about


Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 4,917 times and you’re probably my kids.