@TheBoydP

All I’m saying is adults don’t tiptoe nearly as much as Saturday morning cartoons led me to believe.

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@DrDogMD

PATIENT: Doc, I haven’t been able to bone my wife lately and I really think-
DR DOG: Wait. Tell me more about the bone part

@SketchesbyBoze

everyone says “writers don’t matter” until two guys with no clue how to tell a story are tasked with bringing an end to your favorite show.

@sarahcpr

My advice to the younger generation: make your mistakes now. Because by the time you’re 40, you’ll barely even remember them! And then you get to make the same mistakes all over again it’s really fun

@Smooheed

“Shape of you” by Ed Sheeran is my favorite song about potatoes

@UncleDuke1969

[self-quarantine day 3]
must clean the house and bathe

[self-quarantine day 8]
have to get my shit together

[self-quarantine day 15]
can’t keep living like this

[self-quarantine day 21]
might be losing it

[self-quarantine day 34]
taught mr. wiggles to play “careless whisper”

@ProudFFAalumni

woke up just in time to push my cat off the bed before he threw up. today is going to be magical.

@CheeseDaydreams

I loved her polka dot dress. She had really nice taste and always looked amazing.

-me as a witness, describing the murderer

@vineyille

“First off I want to wish my opponent the best of luck and oh god. OH GOD NO” – presidential candidate accidentally using their 3rd wish

@DanHirsch

Mike Trout turns 26 today. If he keeps up this pace, he’ll be 30 in four years