Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i’m actually the nightmare before christmas, don’t talk to me until i’ve had my milk and cookies 😂🤣

I enjoy driving because it combines my desire to sit with my talent for being angry.

*open up knapsack and a parachute comes out*

Kid: But that means-

*Dad is hurtling towards the ground with a sandwich and apple*

I was not prepared for how terrifying this Invasion of the Body Snatchers remake would be.

My dog couldn’t find his favorite toy so I got on my hands and knees and crawled around the house for 10 minutes looking under all the furniture, and he was SO excited for me to be down there with him, I could tell he was like “YES she finally figured out how to walk”

I have a very dry sense of humor. So I drink moisturizer.

When ya leave Twitter it’s called twittercide.
What about Instagram?
Instagramicide? IGicide? Instacide? Gramicide? Instadead? Instagone?

I’m going to quit the strongman competition. I put in my too weak notice

Can anyone recommend some basic intrusive thoughts for someone looking to get into anxiety?

2020: Tidepods ‘the sequel’

I set out a suitcase to pack for my flight later today and spotted my 3 year old crawling inside it to hide. I casually zipped it up, yelled “I’M OFF TO THE AIRPORT, EVERYBODY!”, and carried it to the car. I’ve circled the block twice and my luggage hasn’t stopped laughing.

[Shipwreck diary]
Day 1: Luckily the ship has enough food for 3 months. Longer if I ration well.
Day 2: I am out of food.

Mortal Kombat was inspired by parents who co-sleep with their children

8: When’s dad’s birthday?

Me: June 28

8: 2000 what?

Me: You mean 19…1984

8: 19? WOW

The prize for getting up early is to eat a worm? Birds are idiots

Why is there only 50 shades of grey? Why not 5,000? What’s stopping them?

son: can I ask you a random question?

me: brother, what do you think we’ve been doing the last seven years?

Every surgery is exploratory if you’re confused enough

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day but teach a man to phish and he will steal your social security # so click here to verify your account.

Me: we’ve got to get this teenager out of the house

Her: great, you can teach him to drive

Me: *googling “affordable college no high school diploma”*

If life was fair, piñatas would take sticks and beat the shit outta little kids to get their candy back.

I’m guessing whoever said “There’s no point beating a dead horse” has never been in a zombie apocalypse.

It’s important to get out of the house every once in a while to get excited about going home.

Sometimes I feel like I’m cheating on my recliner with my loveseat, in case you were wondering how emotionally invested I am in laziness.

pictures of spider-man

If I win the lottery I’m gonna run political style ads about my neighbor

JERRY THINKS IT’S OK TO PARK A CAR ON THE GRASS AND HE DRINKS CHEAP BEER FROM A SHOE

My kids said parenting is easy so I let them put the toddlers socks and shoes on and now everyone is crying.

Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.

Brunos are from Mars, Freddies are from Mercury.

Toddler: [Crying] Daddy, my chocolate ran away.
Me: Oh no, where did it go?
Toddler: [Points in his mouth]