All I’m saying is anyone who thinks it’s a great idea to buy a black car with black leather seats, needs to make sure they test drive it on a 104° day.
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I have a bit of an inferiority complex. But it’s not a very good one.
Foreigner: I want to know what love is.
Me: And I want to know why people do weird things like put butter on banana bread.
me: *accidentally cuts off a car while merging*
[20 minutes later]
me: *tapping on their window as they shift to park in their driveway* hey is everything ok between us
Twitter 2013: “Come and see what fun things your favourite celebrities are up to!”
Twitter 2023: “Your old favourite celebrities are now convinced lizard people are trying to take away your car and replace them with genders”
Me: Everything ok?
My 4yo (in the next room giving the carpet a haircut): Yep.
Remember that it’s “i before e” …
Except when feigning a heist on a
weird, feisty, beige foreign neighbor.
“No thanks, I filled up on breadsticks.” – Eve to the Serpent in the Olive Garden of Eden
20’s: You can eat whatever you want.
30’s: Just two slices of pizza. You’re watching your weight.
40’s: You gained four pounds watching an Olive Garden commercial.
Him: What the hell is a palindrome?
Me: No, it’s not
[paleontology class]
PROFESSOR: can anyone tell me the period in which dinosaurs went extinct?
STUDENT: uh the Jurassic?
PROFESSOR: bingo!
STUDENT: *smug look*
PROFESSOR: *marking paper* I just finished my dumb answers bingo, it was the Cretaceous
*wins oscar
I’d like to thank my legs,for always supporting me;my arms,who are always by my side& also my fingers,I can always count on them
[Space]
No-one: I can hear screaming
Terrifying watershed moment at work today. For years, kids have accidentally called teachers “mum” or “dad” without thinking, with hilarity ensuing. Today one of my colleagues got referred to as “Alexa”.
Do you even want to be awake?
A) No
B) A
C) B
Until I became a parent I had never heard a human cry because they bumped their head on the roof of a blanket fort
Ok, Surgeon General, alcohol is bad for pregnant women. The warning label might be more effective stating alcohol causes pregnant women.
the approval process for adding someone to a group chat should be harder than getting a passport.
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
My billionaire can beat up your billionaire.
All archaeology proves is that our ancestors were skeletons and they lived underground.
Pretty upsetting that during such a time of pandemic, some people are refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
America sucks rn. I’m moving to the USA!
my mom taught me to say “not my circus, not my monkeys” when some crazy shit someone was doing wasn’t my business. but when my friends are doing crazy shit it’s tough. bc I’m like that’s not my circus… but that’s MY monkey
My doctor advised me to ease back into my exercise regime. So, today I plan on driving past the gym slowly.
WIFE: Did you take care of that thing I asked you to do?
ME: No.
WIFE: I’ve asked you at least 10 times.
ME: I’ll get it done this afternoon.
WIFE: You better.
ME (terrified): [has no idea what she asked me to do.]
obi-wan: anakin has turned to the dark side what should we do???
yoda: raise his son to murder him we could
GENIE: you have one wish. choose wisely
ME: i wish i was only 14 inches tall so that when i hold a knife it looks like i’m wielding a huge ass sword
GENIE: your wish is granted. why didn’t you just wish for a sword though
ME: oh yeah damn
My 9: what language does toast speak?
French toast.
Nannying is like a stay at home mom internship
Hockey is a sport where people use feet knives to walk so they can score a goal with a tiny hamburger.