All I’m saying is anyone who thinks it’s a great idea to buy a black car with black leather seats, needs to make sure they test drive it on a 104° day.
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I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.
If your partner asks, “Do you love your phone more than you love me?”
Lie.
Husband: Um, what are you doing?
Me: My doctor said I should do multiple sets of bagels a day to strengthen my pelvic floor
Husband:…
Me, spitting crumbs: I’m almost certain he said bagels
I’m so used to sleeping on my right side that if I switch to my left, my insides feel like a room full of furniture trying to violently escape a haunted house.
Sorry, the dog stood on my keyboard and liked that Instagram photo of you from 47 weeks ago.
A 12 year old posts a selfie, 37 RTs and 1013 likes.
I post a selfie, I lose 18 followers and my family disowns me.
Wtf, tried giving my political opinions at the checkout line today and nobody clapped.
My son will never know the thrill of illegally downloading Thong Song on napster and waiting 1h39m for it to download
If you want to know who serves the best fries ask your vegetarian friend bc that’s all we order at 50% of all restaurants
My favorite adult hack is when I carefully and thoughtfully put something very important away so I can’t lose it and then I never find it again
I say I’m medibaked when I get high cause words are fun, but werges like fantabulous are even more bestacular.
I give it a month and all of us will have buzz cuts.
Just had the good fortune of seeing an ad for a website which is currently offering a 10% discount on some of its products and/or services. Thought I’d mention it in case anyone’s looking for some great bargains 👍.
You’re never alone. Theres mold
Since mask-wearing began, many of us have developed the ability to say “thank you” using only our eyes, as well as a few other phrases that end in “you”
felt that
how much my patient talks about their healthy choices
▶ 🔘──────── 00:05how much my patient talks about their single daughter
▶ 🔘──────── 74:36:15
I always skip leg day at the gym. I keep my body proportionate by skipping every other day at the gym as well.
Wife: our daughter just said shit.
Me: oh no! what do we do?
Wife: obviously we can’t curse around the house anymore.
Me: [gasp] you think the house taught her that word?
As a teen, I always imagined being an adult and saying things to my kids like, “Shut up, Beavis,” or “Stimpy, you idiot!”
But I can’t.
Not because I’m a good mom, but because they wouldn’t get the reference. And that really hurts.
911: ‘911 what’s your emergency?’
Me *mumbles ‘I just got to the nursery and they replaced all the kids with PLANTS!’
911: *click
☠️ ☠️
My daughter wants a smart car for her 16th birthday. She thinks it will do her geometry homework.
Our forefathers fought against British rule so anyone can become president. For the first time in 240 years, we’re regretting that decision.
“A UFO was just shot down 5 miles from my house.”
-Everyone on TikTok
When I was in high school we had to do an assignment where we kept a food diary and I worked at Baskin Robbins so one night for dinner all I wrote down was 14 waffle cones and 1/2 cup hot fudge and my teacher sent me to the counselor.
confuse your coworkers today by telling them you’re going to the restroom to do a “number 3”
Why is it when the sun blacks out on a Monday afternoon it’s an “amazing natural phenomenon” but when I do it’s a “problem”
The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING
I’m a multitasker, for example I can be a couch potato and a baked potato at the same time