All I’m saying is, China could have a much better relationship with the West if they shared their dragons with us but whatever be that way.
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Protip: If a party guest says “I don’t dance” what he’s really telling you is “make my drinks stronger please”.
How to make a grown man cry.
Take him shopping with you.
My latest missile blew up on the launch pad.
But it exploded so fast Americav couldn’t tell what type it was.
I’m not telling.
Checkmate.
Almost fell down the stairs. Will try again tomorrow.
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you save from no longer having a social life.
PayPal: For when your wallet is all the way on the other side of the room.
So sad that kids today spend so much time online. When we were kids we were always outside throwing rocks at one another, shoplifting at the mall, trying drugs… one time I drank gasoline.
If plastic bags could be used as currency, my mom would be on a Forbes list.
A horror movie where the girl in the woods actually outruns the mutated chainsaw murderer, then it shows him sadly limping back to his car.
If u ever rob someones house just bring guacamole that way if they catch you you can just yell surprise and tell them they’re having a party
People outside of NYC: TERRORISM!!!!!
New Yorkers: Dude’s a loser with a crappy bomb who’s crowning life achievement is making my train 36 minutes late.
I should probably just learn a skill instead of waiting around for a malevolent spirit to take over my consciousness or whatever.
Oh to be a house cat and simply slap the shit out of anything in front of me that I do not understand
1. OMG will this ever end?
2. OMG will this ever end?
3. OMG will this ever end?-top 3 things on my mind when I’m in a a conversation
DAUGHTER: can I have a snack?
ME: [clearly making dinner] no, I’m making dinner right now.
DAUGHTER: but I’m hungry!!
ME:
JESUS: And lo, I have fed 5000 of you with 5 fishes and 2 loaves
“AMAZING!”
“A MIRACLE!”
ME: *slowly raises hand* So do we get dessert or
Ways cats are like toddlers:
– They love unrolling toilet paper
– They eat from cat bowls
– They suck at doing my taxes
– Somehow they always find their way on top of the fridge
LinkedIn is a terrible dating site
fourth time’s the charm
Don’t ever sing Three Times a Lady to a woman that’s gained 20 pounds.
My husband knows this now.
4-year-old: *looks at our pig* Which pig is she?
Me: What do you mean?
4: Is her house made of bricks or sticks?
BOSS: You’ve been picked for a random drug test
ME: Hold my bong
Just called the number of a guy I met last night and a pizza place answered. I didn’t even know you could live in pizza places. I’m in love!
old people like to golf every day because they are so sick of everyone’s shit and just wanna repeatedly whack something
Establish dominance over your grandma by giving her a crisp $5 bill on her birthday.
murder on the timeline
Had a nightmare then couldn’t go back to sleep so I got up and ate the cheesecake or at least I hope that’s what it was.
1000s flocked to NJ to see the Virgin Mary in a tree trunk. But, don’t judge them, friends. When was the last time you saw a virgin in NJ?
8 asked if I had to choose between not having him or not having chocolate for a whole week what would I do and I said I couldn’t believe he’d even ask me that and then I packed a bag for him and said I’d see him in a week