Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cop: “There’s an outstanding warrant out for your arrest.”

Me: *blushes* “I knew it was good but ‘outstanding’? Thank you, officer!”

guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish

For two years in high school, I took guitar lessons. Something interesting I learned is that guitar resale nets a 45% loss.

I love breakdancing. I don’t do it…

Or watch it, even.

I just like it because it allows be to sell cardboard to rich white kids.

Summer vacation with my kids is just me asking, “Have you brushed your teeth today?”

Secret agents asking citizens to please speak more clearly in all phone calls. Also, cut the chitchat and get to the good stuff, they ask.

My competitive neighbors are flexing on me by mowing their yard first and making mine look like shit.

Had to turn the heat on this morning, so of course I’ve started playing Christmas music.

I’m developing an app that makes a cricket sound effect at the end of my coworkers’ stories.

Woman on bus just pulled her mask down to cough.

captain: a lot of rumors floating around saying I sunk the ship

sailor: [clinging to a piece of the hull] please stop calling us rumors sir

[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier

I will always try to sound smarter & make up words when talking to my doctor, like “pain in the crotchal area” or “difficulty extendilating my arms.”

if you eat your burrito over a tortilla, anything that falls out will simply start building your next burrito

Megan, but with an H? Whatever you say, girls named Hmegan.

Prank Idea: Toss some red laundry in the ocean and turn the great white sharks into the great pink sharks.

Dinner: I BIT THE INSIDE OF MY MOUTH! IT WILL NEVER HEAL! NOTHING WILL EVER BE RIGHT AGAIN!
Next morning: Oh, OK.

I’m sure 4 kids fighting about who found the most eggs at 7 AM is exactly what Jesus had planned for today.

I mix up the Marvel and DC universes on purpose just for the angry sex

me: we have developed a fear of boy bands

wife: at the same time

therapist: in sync?

together: *screams*

Comcast Cable acquiring Time Warner Cable is a lot like your proctologist acquiring a bigger finger.

“2:00! Are you ready for the movie?!?” my son asked. I was not, I told him, not even close. His mom had taught him to tell time. He had taught himself to set the alarm on his watch. But it would be up me to teach him the critical difference between AM and PM.

The term “domestic housewife” implies that there are feral houswives and now i have a new goal

[first day as a tampon designer]

Boss:
Me:
Boss: What kind of work did you do before?
Me: I made expandable dinosaur sponge toys.

My daughter has an ice skating date with her boyfriend tonight. So I’ll be the guy skating behind two 12 year olds carrying a shotgun.

Me: *walks up to Walgreens cashier with a pack of condoms* Excuse me, where are your fitting rooms?

Wife: WHY are the boys wearing fishnet stockings?

Me: You SAID they needed to learn how to Cher.

Mum to child: Have you got a sticker we could use?
Child produces 6 billion.