All I’m saying is, China could have a much better relationship with the West if they shared their dragons with us but whatever be that way.
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Whenever I see someone at a restaurant eating all alone I always think the same thing, “lucky”
6yo: Teacher, are you married?
Me: No
6yo: Me either.
The more things change, the more they stay the same.
Time flies when you throw your alarm clock out the window.
My brother’s girlfriend is meeting my family rn & my dad just offered to introduce her to my nana’s ashes, this is the best night of my life
I saw all your OJ jokes yesterday and they absolutely killed me
“If you want to lose weight eat in front of a mirror, nude”. Tried it. All I saw was a happy naked woman eating cheese.
Who’s the idiot that named it a Brazilian and not a Tropical Smoothie?
Unknown people: you aren’t weird you are just being yourself
My gang: bro I know 5 weird people and you are 4 of them
[Scientific Conference]
Scientist 1: So science?
Scientist 2: *nodding* Science.
I trust my car navigation the same way I do the floor arrows in Ikea and If we end up in a lake… so be it
my ex: i want u back
me: the groupchat said no
All movies about zombies are Easter movies because of resurrection.
My wife and I have to put drops in the cat’s eye before we go to work. Just in case you see a headline like “Couple mauled to death by two pound kitten” tomorrow
If mediums can converse with the dead, imagine what a bunch of larges would do
how to lose 20lb
step 1: gain 40lb
Daylight Saving Time starts this evening, turn your clocks forward and change smoke alarm batteries before going to bed tonight.
“Bob is coming over for dinner tonight.”
Bob from work or Bob that ended the dinosaurs?
*the sky turns red and warm*
Remember, fellow outdoorsy types: an odd number of rattles means the snake is delighted to see you; an even number says you should probably stay away.
When I say something occurred under mysterious circumstances it means I forgot the circumstances.
Friend: Have you ever experienced a haunting?
Me: I have and it’s unrelenting.
Friend: Sounds awful.
Me: It is. I’m haunted by all of the desserts I never ate.
Friend:
Me: The chocolate cheesecake is the most terrifying.
Picking baby names is basically just listing names until you come to a name you don’t associate with some idiot you encountered at some point in your life.
Everyone seems so happy for you until they realize your baby carrier is just filled with mozzarella sticks.
*Smashes the Sony
*Destroys the Panasonic
*Pummels the Kenwood
*Rips apart the Pioneer
~breaking all stereotypes
Cop: Can I see some ID?
Me: No. But you can see this…
[Does that trick where you pretend to detach your thumb]Rookie cop: I didn’t sign up to fight no wizard sarge
Anti-Vaxxer: Hey, did you hear the one about the kid with measles?
Vaccinated person: I don’t get it.
I’ll admit, ever since I saw Psycho as a kid I’ve felt a tiny bit nervous each time I kill someone in the shower.
DISH FATHER: You can NEVER see that spoon again!
*daughter dish starts sobbing*
[outside the window, Spoon is thinking] we leave tonight
“if you could dinner with any scientist, alive or dead, which one would it be?”
“schrodinger”
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do u have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“Uh no.”