Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Attack while they’re distracted.

Old age is when you need your glasses to find your glasses.

I’m not saying I’m a mythical creature, I’m just saying that I am single on Twitter & also in real life.

[ice cream parlor]
WIFE: I’ll have two scoops of vanilla
ME: me too, u could say I want an
WIFE AND CLERK: please don’t
ME: ice cream clone

I told my doctor that my back was bothering me. He said, “Get a bar & hang”.

Now I’m hanging out in a bar & I admit, my back feels better.

“Doing the dishes” is completely pointless and only wastes water. You’re just going to put food on them again in a few hours.

A tattoo artist wants to practice doing chrome tattoos so I’m letting her give me a chrome tattoo for free tomorrow. I’m sure it will be fine

There’s no crisis in life that frying a potato can’t solve

I asked my daughter to make me a Pinterest board of what she’d like to redecorate her room and I just opened it up to see nothing but a bunch of pictures of people holding fistfuls of cash

7yo son: Mom, can you hand me a tissue so I can blow my nose?

Me: Is it already—

7: It’s already on my finger, yes.

Pessimist: it’s half empty

Optimist: it’s half full

Me, taking huge sip: is there half a sandwich too?

“You gotta keep ‘em separated” – The Offspring doing their laundry

we went out to lunch with my father in law. jokingly he told 6 to order beer for a drink so when it was 6’s turn he yelled “BEER!” and the entire restaurant looked at us like we’re terrible people.

Fitness guru just tweeted “remember to breathe” and it was pure luck that I got the message in time.

Brain: eat that entire pizza

Stomach: please don’t

Me: *eats pizza*

Stomach: i hurt so much

Me: i feel sick

Brain: eat that dessert

Me: okay

Stomach: oh my god

The most inquisitive of all the dinosaurs was the philosoraptor.

STOP GIVING UR PETS HUMAN NAMES !! NO I DONT WANNA PET KEITH !!!

I know this intervention is serious business but I see absolutely no snacks here.

When I texted my dad I wanted to be a barrister he was so proud.

Years later I achieved my dream, and as I make him an Mini Java Chip Frappuccino it turns out I can’t spell and he isn’t proud.

Saw your ex at the shops

By now you know I’ve attempted some radical experiments with the unrivaled packaging of the ‘peanut butter cup.’ Of course, my ‘ham cup’ was a colossal failure. Yet I didn’t give up, but doubled down! And now I can reveal my new creation. I present to you, The Bar-B-Que Ham Tub!

[Eating wings]

Pilot: This is a bad idea

the world is kind of a disaster anyways let’s do a Jurassic park, dinosaurs deserve another go

1. Go to the vets
2. Tell them your fish is poorly
3. Put a fish finger on the examining table
4. Do a sad face

If you’re walking around with a toothpick in your mouth you may think you look cool but we’re all just worrying about you tripping

All the single ladies. All the single ladies. All the single ladies. Now put your hands up! Lol. But seriously, ladies. This is a robbery.

$500,000 to have my head cryogenically preserved or $1.59 for a Slurpee to give me a brain freeze?

Me [hopping on twitter]: man there is some stupid shit on here

Also me: I wonder how I can contribute