All I’m saying is “curb side pickup” meant something different when I was growing up.
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If you give a man a fish he’ll eat for a day but if you teach a kid how to make pop tarts your job as a parent is pretty much done
Mom always said I had a special power. How did she put it? Oh yeah…
“Constant super-vision”
9yo: Did you know that long, long ago. Like, really long ago, it took computers MINUTES to connect to the internet. Like actual MINUTES.
Me: Yeah… I knew that.
9yo: Of course you did because you like history.
Me: Go away now.
Just thinking about the time when my then 5y/o son wanted to be Indiana Jones for Halloween. He never saw the movie, but thought it’d be cool to have a whip so he could “whip all the annoying people” and I thought it was funny until he told me that I was one of them.
I don’t want to stand, Apple Watch. You stand.
Wife: Can you go pick up a chair I bought on a Facebook group?
Me: What if the seller is a murderer?
Wife: Why do you think I’m sending you?
i’d rather hurl myself into an active volcano
-me politely declining dates
Benedict Cumberbatch sounds like the fake name someone called Ben would give when he realised halfway through that giving his real name would be a bad idea.
I can’t wait for the next Oscars dead-person montage when all the celebs Joan Rivers insulted have to applaud her.
We’re gonna party like its 1999.
//breaks out Nokia flip phone and starts to panick about Y2K//
Reduce stage fright with a little vodka before the show.
Bring enough vodka for everyone, and you won’t even have to perform.
Why it’s so many prime days?
They broke ?
Who called it beef chow mein and not moodles?
Apparently this dude at the mall was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog. My bad, dude. My bad.
Not to brag, but a top modeling agency just offered me a job as a “before” model.
Me, when Prime Video asks me to pay an extra $2.99 to remove ads.
*I finish setting up a display of skeletons in my front yard*
Neighbor: Great Halloween display!
Me: What is halloween?
well, 75% of you passed math and will not have to come to summer school
[from the back]
“what about the other 65% of us?”
My neighbor is handing out hot dogs, Kit Kats & Pez. When a group of kids arrives I’ll yell “They’re eating the dogs! They’re eating the Kats! They’re eating the Pez of the people who live there!”
#MyRoommateIsWeird she keeps having babies and making me take care of them. She also insists I call her ‘Wife’
Out of all the places I could choose, a music festival would have to be my favourite place to perspire with 10,000 strangers.
Instead of writing ‘many thanks’ at the end of an email, specify the number of thanks, eg “18 thanks”. The personal touch will be appreciated
[wife gets home] did you feed the baby his spinach today?
[me doing push ups] hell no I’m not letting that baby get stronger than me
*drops trash in front of roomba* eat, little one. save your strength. we ride at dawn
A new study suggests that a future study will completely contradict this study.
Therapist: remember the key to a happy marriage is poise and self-sacrifice.
Me: [writes down poison self; sacrifice] that makes a lot of sense Doc.
Urban Dictionary defines Heck:
Where you go if you don’t believe in Gosh.
i finally quit drinking for good
now i drink for evil
[Checking in at Comic Con]
Attendant: How long did you spend on your cosplay?
Me: Seven months
A: *Hands me a badge marked “Casual”*
Feeling sorry for cannibals who are social distancing.
No handshakes…
just cold shoulders.