Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

microwave: would you like your food too hot or too cold

me: what if you cooked it just right

microwave: wHaT iF You COoKeD it JuST RiGht lmao ok goldilocks

Popeye was heart healthy because he liked to eat spinach and Olive Oil.

Everyone in “Star Wars”.
Everyone in “The Muppets”.
Everyone in “Game of Thrones”.

This is now the first tweet with over 140 characters.

Her: What do you look for in a relationship?

Me: A way out.

Yesterday I asked my kindergartener what she did in school and she said “nothing,” then later I went on Instagram and her teacher had posted a picture of her holding a crocodile.

Me: And I was just trapped in my bed, crying for hours

Cop: I’m not surprised with a murderer in your house

Me: There was a murderer in my house?

Me: [on mars] *opening bag of chips*

My dog: *blasts off from earth*

My favorite part about wearing a romper is getting completely naked in public restrooms.

Fight Club but it’s just 19 and 16 duking it out over who takes “their” car—the one neither of them paid for

Do you think about random little things that occurred during your childhood a lot? Like once when I was 6 I saw a man take a bite from the serving spoon of mac n cheese at Golden Corral and have never been to a buffet since.

I hope my dog doesn’t turn out weird because she’s being homeschooled.

Support your local cemetery

Are you going to Scarborough Fair?
No mate, sounds shit.

Me: I ate all the chips.
Wife: What!? For the boys’ lunches!? Well, at least we still have cheeze its.
Me: You’re not going to believe this

I’m just a girl reading the news in KYIV like “Kentucky four.”

My new party trick.. I swallow two pieces of string and an hour later they come out of my ass tied together….I shit you knot…

Pfizer: Our new Covid vaccine needs to be stored at minus seventy degrees which will create logistics issues.

My wife: Would you like to use our bedroom?

Bodyguard Idea:

Clowns. No one will come anywhere near you.

[Blazing hot day]

Don’t forget to take a jacket, it might get cold.

~ My mom.

Why aren’t therapists on call? What, am I supposed to just wait a week to tell a medical professional that I’m suspicious of people in hats??

Hubby: If you could sleep with one of my frien…
Me: Frank
H: nd’s bedroom style decor
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: So you like shabby chic?

*sucks stomach in for entire 3 year relationship*

gf: I wanna break up

*flops stomach out*

me: finally

Whenever I’m worried I messed up with my wife I remember that time my brother gave an anniversary card to his current wife on the date of his first marriage

“I will cook for you.” I threatened

[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] wtf

Her: YOU’RE A PIECE OF SHIT!
Me: Well… at least I’m not all of the shit

The unemployed urge to say I love you during a job interview.

The most high pressure life situation is doing math in front of someone.

You can use the phrase “lickity split” as much as you want at work and they can’t fire you.

Are iPads supposed to be red with two white knobs on the bottom?