All I’m saying is Dorothy from The Wizard Of Oz has more confirmed kills than Willy Wonka.
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The wife is approaching! *Close Twitter, close favstar, close youporn, close match .com, delete history, open google and stare at screen
[breakfast table]
Me: Who killed the entire box of Lucky Charms?
8: Not me
9: Not me
CEREAL KILLER: Not me either
Went to put some milk in my coffee this morning only to realize my kids drank it all. They leave me no choice.
Baileys it is.
you’re not fooling anyone
[Job Interview]
How would you describe your time management skills?
Me: Can we talk about this later? I’m late for an appointment.
handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
I’ve discovered that books are not donuts.
If you make a donut & someone buys it & likes it, they may buy another donut tomorrow.
If you write a book & someone buys it & likes it, they will not buy another copy the next day.
This is the flaw of books or the advantage of donuts
Car next to me in liquor store parking lot has a family sticker. She has SEVEN kids.
I better get in there quick! She’s gonna buy it all.
Woke up with morning Yule Log
[first day as waiter]
Customer: Do you ever have second thoughts?
Me: *sweating* I can ask the chef.
[watching video of an amazing feat]
Age 20: i could do that
Age 30: he’s amazing
Age 40: doesn’t that guy work
Gen Z have no idea how easily accessible music is. I once had to jump off a bridge and narrowly avoid a moving truck to hear Bon Jovi play their latest song Its My Life
What I lack in legs I make up for in forehead
Own pets. That way no one will ever know who made that terrible smell
Me: Look, even if you could breathe underwater, no one wants to be Aquaman.
4yo: Who’s Aquaman?
Me: EXACTLY!
I really love how squirrels get extra chubby heading into winter mostly because it’s super relatable
So glad my cats are trained to check if I’m sleeping o.k. every 10 minutes starting g at 4 am.
girlfriend: I’m sick of you having no sense of direction
me: where did that come from
god!! did anyone stop by your house and drop off your award for having that opinion earlier than most people?
What sort of tape measure does the guy from The Guinness Book of Records use to measure the worlds longest tape measure?
Drive thru service was invented for those of us who don’t have the energy to look presentable at 6 in the morning but need that coffee.
I’m so sorry dunkin donuts drive thru window worker.
Interstellar (2014) – A widower utilizes mankind’s greatest technology to get as far away as possible from his kids.
Women’s skincare is so confusing am I supposed to look shiny and sweaty or matte like cement
lawyer: just say you were with a friend
me: ok
[later]
cop: where were you that night?me: robbing the house *winking at my lawyer* with my friend
gonna play video games. i need a mental escape from politics, it feels like the apocalypse
-plays Fallout, a game about living in the apocalypse-
I want to be featured on the news and the caption below me to read *unintelligible screaming*.
1. have a child
2. never mention it on facebook
3. dress it in old-timey clothes and have it stand in the background of all your photos
The most important thing I learned in life, and I can’t stress enough, it doesn’t matter where you went to college.
The only thing that matters is that you’re really hot.
“I detest drama!” I declare with a flourish of my cape, and the back of my hand over my forehead.