All I’m saying is Dorothy from The Wizard Of Oz has more confirmed kills than Willy Wonka.
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“Wheres the goddamn pizzas?”
Me: Check the pizza tracker.
*bends down, touches ground*
“A pizza will walk here before the moon is full.”
DiCaprio movie endings;
Shutter Island: is he dead?
Titanic: is the boat dead?
Romeo & Juliet: is everyone dead?
Inception: am I dead?
Darth Vader: they blew up the Death Star
Emperor: [laughing] I overinsured it by 8 trillion imperial credits
If there was any question as to what kind of teenager my 7yo will be, last night she pulled out a toy cellphone and started pretend texting during her own bedtime story
*puts eight small cups of urine on the nurse’s station*
Nurse: We only need one.
*puts seven small cups of urine in my purse*
Finding the smoke alarm with the dying battery is just the adult version of Marco Polo.
My 5YO lost her first tooth and is very certain that the tooth fairy will give it to an old lady who really needs it
Overheard my daughter’s friend on FaceTime telling her Dad to please stop singing because he’s embarrassing her so obviously I did what any Dad would do and finished the chorus for him.
In my day, no one checked how old you were when you started kindergarten. We got left at the door and told to look 5.
My son hates how I fuss about his birthday at his workplace.
So this year the Mariachi band will not be wearing hats.
God: NOAH.
Noah: Yes Lord?
God: Where are the land sharks, flying spiders and the jumping snakes?
Noah: Oh nooooo, did I forget those?
My fly was down the entire day & I didn’t notice. So I’m taking him out for drinks after work. Hopefully that’ll help cheer him up a bit.
The house has to be spotless so the AC repair technician isn’t disappointed in me.
Saying goodbye to an old friend today. Thoughts and prayers appreciated. Goodbye, bra that stabbed me this week.
[supermarket]
Woman, to hubs: There’s no such thing as too much cheese!
Me: *peels a cheddar slice from my emergency roll*
M: *writes my cell number on it* I like your style babe, call me
M: *eats the cheese* DAGNABBIT!
M: *peels a cheddar slice from…
Who called it a deep freeze instead of ice-o-lation?
Husband: What’s with all the barrels of oil in the garage?
Me: THEY WERE ON CLEARANCE, OKAY.
me: I want you to be you but also all mine
pizza: [cheesing seductively]
My wife and I always eat dinner as fast as possible so we can have a popsicle.
We are 47 years old.
Bringing a fitted sheet to a knife fight.
If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE
Most Well-known Speeches:
1. Gettysburg Address – Abe Lincoln
2. I Have a Dream – Martin Luther King
3. You Need to Floss – Every Dentist
a centaur has six limbs, a lower abdomen (horse torso), and an upper thorax (human torso), categorically making it a bug
Yes the weather in Iowa is bad, but the options are worse
I think I may have accidentally sprayed my fairy godmother with Raid…
The mice in my apartment left me a note that said as long as I keep buying store brand graham crackers, there’s no need for traps.
Optician can tell from my eyes bleeding that I only just started flossing before the appointment
the funniest thing i’ve ever said was on april 11th 2009 to my dad’s cat and no one else was around to hear it. a car horn honked and he hopped off my bed and ran downstairs and i said “oh shit is your ride here” and laughed alone to myself for like five minutes straight
Sorry I’m late, I’ve been taking an elastic band out of my hair for the last three days.