All I’m saying is having a great sense of smell is not as wonderful as you would think it would be.
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If anyone out there is named Aesop dear god please open a table store I have just the name for you.
Hide-and-seek is just as much fun for adults, although it usually ends with someone getting hit with a restraining order.
Sir this bag is too heavy, you’ll have to pay an extra $25 to check it.
Sure thing *dumps 2500 pennies from bag onto counter*
For most people, bikini season lasts a few short summer months; but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I get to eat bikini all year round.
The cable company told me they would send a guy out and I need to be home between the hours of 1pm and 2014.
“I think this chlorine is healing my anal fissure.” – Things not to say in a swimming pool. Apparently.
Husband: Just think how much money we’re saving by staying at home.
Me: *shopping online*
Mmm hmmm, sure seems that way.
My 10 y/o daughter informed me that “everyone knows” you can’t wear your picture day outfit again the rest of the year, like it’s some kind of 5th grade wedding dress.
going on an overnight trip, better pack 7 shirts and 9 pairs of underwear for some reason
My neighbor threw away a stair lift. Unrelated, I can now go from my couch to the bathroom without walking.
“I’ve got toes in different area codes.”
– Ludacris steps on a land mine
Judge: You need supervision.
Me: [Imagines toasting toast at a slightly increased rate with laser eyes] YES! Do it now robed wizard.
A nice man at the store was so thrilled to hear our 3yo yelling “BUY ME A BOOK!!”, we didn’t have the heart to tell him that instead of reading, our kid only wants to rip out the pages and eat them like some sort of high-fiber illustrated buffet.
[arriving in hell]
devil: all the pringles you can eat, but only with a knife and fork *evil laugh*
me: *starts eating*
devil: wait, how?
9 called to ask how much bleach it takes to get purple ink out of carpet and because she’s so cute and at her dad’s I went with all of it!
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
Maybe she’s boing with it. Maybe it’s trampoline.
Sometimes it’s fun to walk out of the ladies room licking your fingers.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes. I like to watch.
Netflix: I’m worried about you.
Me: Just play the next episode.
Netflix: When was the last time you saw the sun?
Me: There was an outdoor scene in episode 7. Play on.
Mom watching Parasite: Turn it up, I can’t hear what they’re saying
Brother: They’re speaking Korean!
Mom: Shhh
I came home & my dog peed a little bc he was happy to see me. None of my friends pee when they see me. I’m surrounded by fakes
her: did you know Weezer covered Africa
me: [impressed] with what
The most common things I say to my kids, by store:
Grocery store: “No, you don’t need more candy.”
Toy store: “No, you don’t need more toys.”
Hardware store: “No, you don’t need a nail gun.”
Me: *pouts at front facing camera*
Front facing camera: I have a girlfriend.
Does WebMD ever just say “you’re fine, there’s nothing wrong with you, go play outside you drama queen?”
Welcome to adulthood. The weekend is your only time to catch up on everything but also your only time to do absolutely nothing.
ME: *Opening my office Secret Santa gift and it’s a loaf of bread* Wooow, well, thank you, to WHOEVER this was from!
MY ONLY DUCK COWORKER: *Whispers excitedly* It was me. I was your Secret Santa.
8yo: Dad, can I eat on the couch?
Me: Sure, as long as you’re carefu-
8yo: I spilled my drink
Me: Of course
Neighbors act like they’ve never seen someone wearing a bath towel, chasing after a Garbage Truck before.
Me: beware the clyde of march
Clyde: I’m standing right here
Me, hand to side of mouth: (that’s him)