All I’m saying is having a great sense of smell is not as wonderful as you would think it would be.
You Might Also Like
My review of Godzilla vs Kong is the same as for the last four flicks:
NEED LESS HUMAN TALKY TALKY
NEED MORE MONSTER PUNCHY PUNCHY
Some people are just better left alone.
In a jacket, in a room with padded walls.
why count sheep when I can count my troubles
Me: I need to get something off my chest
Him: Here’s a towel
EDWARD SNOWDEN: I can help determine the writer of that anonymous op-ed
TRUMP: What op-ed?
EDWARD SNOWDEN: Not much, what’s op with you?
replaced my gf’s couch with a trampoline and man she hit the roof
guy in the stall next to me at this bar is ordering a pizza on the phone & I now realize my commitment to pizza is severely lacking
“Would you like to import all of your phonebook contacts to your Twitter account…?”
hahahaha yeah, that’ll go well
I’m not saying that asking your kids to clean will always make things worse, but I asked my 4yo to clean his muddy shoes and found him standing naked in a full bathtub polishing them with his toothbrush
Almost nailed it! 😂🤣
**Pixar Film Themes Guide**
Toy Story: Jealousy
WALL-E: Environmentalism
Up: Bereavement
Cars: Cars
Scientists say Jupiter cant support human life but maybe Jupiter’s just really focused on her career for now. Why be so judgmental, science?
I asked my doctor about prescribing me sleep medication and he asked if I had tried “giving yourself permission to sleep” instead and now I’m so mad I don’t think I’ll ever sleep again
Asked my gf to buy me a 2-pack of socks and she came back with these wtf
Seeing my kids getting along, laughing, and peacefully playing together is the best fourteen seconds of my day.
CHEMIST: Do you like science jokes? I think they’re so
HER: No
CHEMIST: very funny
HER: Thought you were gonna say sodium funny
CHEMIST: Na
imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee is just floating.
a joke attributed to nasreddin, a medieval turkish humorist
*Han thaws and smashes to the ground in a massive heap, after being frozen in carbonite*
Han Solo: Who are you?
Princess Leia: Someone who loves you… but let’s you thaw and smash to the ground in a massive heap after being held frozen in carbonite.
My wife doesn’t like me saying this but we “bumped uglies”* this morning.
*hit the neighbours’ kids with our car
Crime and Punishment is my favourite novel about family vacations.
30 seconds left on the microwave
~ Women:
set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone~ Men:
do the space shuttle countdown
‘Shake It Off’ is probably my favorite urinal sing-along song.
people are attacking at me with pitchforks simply because i choose to lay still under piles of hay, straw, and leaves at times.
Good morning
Truthfully officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over, if I known all you were gonna do is complain about my driving..
[Therapy]
Me: “What do you mean I might have ‘psychopathic tendencies’?”
Therapist: “Why don’t you turn off your chainsaw, so we can hear each other better?”
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
WHY DO WE ALLOW OTHER COUNTRIES TO TAG THEIR NAME ON TO SOMETHING AND SELL US LIES WHEN THEY DO IT WRONG? CANADIAN BACON? ENGLISH MUFFINS?
i choose….tongue
