All I’m saying is, if boring people to death was a real thing, I’d be a dangerous man.
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My favorite machine at the gym is the water fountain.
She was Hannah Montana when Bush was president. Thanks, Obama.
Distraught after losing a full carton of milk, I tattooed its photo on my kid’s face, in hope someone recognizes and returns it.
“I’m good at getting you on the line but I can never reel you in. Just can’t actually land you. No one even knows if it’s possible, you’re like the Loch Ness monster. Legend has it that one idiot caught you once but you got away.”
Questionable as a compliment but I liked it.
Never feel more attractive than when my picture of cornbread gets almost as many likes as my selfie. “She’s ok, but she’s no cornbread.”
[Interview]
Me: I really need the paycheck
Him: This is an unpaid internship.
Me: Do you provide snacks?
Him: Um, yes
Me: Keep going…
My kids found their Kit Kats then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go in to my closet?
All these girls tweeting about going braless & I’m just over here on my back trying not to look like I have 2 bald guys in a headlock.
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: I’m not eating this piece of apple until you take the skin off.
Jamaica has declared war on drugs.
Actually, they pretty much do everything on drugs.
FRIEND: What’s your type?
ME: In guys or in blood?
If you’re Harpy
and you know it
lay an egg
[Obamacare Meeting]
*Biden raises hand*
*Obama sighs* Yes Joe?
Will the doctor still have lollipops?
Sure.
*Entire Congress sighs w/ relief*
The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.
I saw reduced fat wheat thins at the store and I thought, is this hell?
Cars come with warnings to check the back seat for babies now.
I always do and frankly, I’ll be lowkey terrified if I ever find one.
Keep in mind that parenting guides are written by people with enough free time & financial resources to write a parenting guide.
13 just put on deodorant without being told so he must have a girlfriend now
when u get caugt lying on ur resume but u still try to convince the interviewer that ur qualified for the job
a woman showed up two hours early to the theatre furious because she “didn’t know it was daylight savings” and I said “do you have a smartphone? those change time automatically” and she goes “yes but why would I look at that, I know what time it is” ???? famously you do not
In honor of the winter solstice I will also be cold, distant & filled with darkness.
[Morgan Freeman voice] Isolated from his group, this penguin will not survive
[penguin voice] Hey dude, I can hear you.
Me, sick: *filling up my Vicks humidifier*
Him: Is that… Are you filling that with vodka?
Me: Who are you my doctor? VAPOR IS VAPOR
No, officer, I haven’t been drinking; my toddler just needed to hand me everything from the back seat.
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
Celebrated fall by going to the state fair and spending a mortgage payment on deep fried oreos and water.
If I ever get burned at the stake, I’m filling my pockets with popcorn kernels to make a nice snack for the audience.
Saw a man holding a newspaper and a blackberry so time travel is possible you guys!
Me, at the ER: I’ve been shot, it hurts please help
Doctor: you’d probably be in less pain if you lost 20lbs
A car hit me once, but it was okay because I’m autoimmune