All I’m saying is, if boring people to death was a real thing, I’d be a dangerous man.
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[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the sock puppet at home tomorrow
*being abducted by aliens*
Hey thanks guys it was getting pretty rough down there. What we got goin’ on, snack-wise?
I’m completely naked under all this pizza.
Beep beep
Beep beep beep
Beep beep
Beep
Beep beep beep beep
Road Runner and R2D2 having a conversation
“Seize the day!”
No thank you. I will leave the day alone and hope it extends me the same courtesy.
I see all my neighbors out there mowing their lawns and I wonder if they’d come do mine also.
The suburbs are powerful. No matter how strong you think you are, by day two you’re eating dinner at 4 and asking what the weather’s looking like tomorrow
[being carried away by a colony of ants] haha nice let’s see where this goes
them: do you think about other people when you have sex
me: when I have what now
Don’t come back here with your bullshit.
Me, coming back with my bullshit:
My attitude hurts, I’m going to bed
I almost ran somebody over yesterday, I guess I’ll have to try harder next time
A billionaire has built a submersible, saying he wants to prove it’s still safe to visit the Titanic. Somebody tell these guys it wasn’t even safe to be ON the Titanic!
Me: I’m proud of you for completing your project and I’m sorry for screaming like a feral raccoon.
10: Don’t worry girlie when I’m a mom I’m gonna do the same thing.
Wife: I told you to dress our daughter in her purple shirt.
Me: I did.
Wife: That’s mauve.
I hate it when she makes up words.
PATIENT: i just feel like something is missing from my life
THERAPIST: [is a cat] have you tried biting plastic
I see from the Before and After pictures that not only did she lose weight using the product, it also gave her a tan, makeup, and a smile.
*My wife being frustrated by my kids*
Wife: Can you just give me 2 seconds to myself?
8YO: 1, 2. Now can I have snack?
Mouse astronaut, six seconds after setting foot on the moon: I have been lied to
Bob was hungry. He ripped open a new bag of tortillas only to discover a convenient, resealable opening on the other end
I just tried to make coffee with my air fryer, so TGIF
I don’t know I guess I always thought Spock would’ve had more ear hair sorry to get political
Prove you’re not a robot by typing two words that sounds like they were doodled on a toilet cubicle by a schizophrenic
“I’m leaving you”
“why?”
“Your jokes are old and tiresome”
“but, I can updog”
“What’s updog?”
“NOTHIN, WHAT’S UP WI-”
*slams door*
Voicemails that say check your email is why I prefer animals.
At McDonalds looking at the menu through opera binoculars.
ME AT 19: I’m gonna travel to so many countries!
ME AT 29: I’m gonna try a new craft beer!
ME AT 39: I’m gonna try a different cat litter
My guess is it’s either Geppetto’s workshop or a sperm bank.
Boss: hey are those expense reports done yet?
[Me, frantically minimizing a Wikipedia tab on RABIES displayed on a 34″ ultrawide curved monitor]: no
What does a Thesaurus eat for breakfast?
A synonym roll.