Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Watch closely as the husband quietly approaches the calm children, riles them up into a frenzy, then slyly escapes to watch football.

The bakery used a white paper bag instead of a brown one like they knew these croissants are prescription.

Salesperson: Hi ma’am can I help you?

Me: Yes, I am looking for a kitchen table.

Salesperson: Ok, but why are there 4 baskets of laundry behind you?

Me: I have to make sure my laundry fits on it before I buy the table. Duh.

I got everyone a pet snake for Christmas but you have to catch it, they’re in my house, they’re everywhere, please come get your snake.

[Pulling brother’s life support plug]
*whispers in ear*
“This is for that time you cheated at Monopoly.”

car salesman: and I’m 95% sure no one has died in the trunk hahaha

me: ok phew haha

*muffled screaming*

car salesman: 100%

Am I romantic?

I do the rose petal thing but I use potato salad.

So, I don’t know.

You tell me.

Took my 3 year old to a lot of historic sites and whale watching today. Asked what her favourite part was and she said, “The M&M’s”.

When your boss says “You need help”, he never means a hitman.

Gollum had a pretty sweet setup for a while. Cave where no one bothers him. Cool item to look at in his cave

[concert venue]
Manager: Start the fog machine!
Me: *gulps* Fog?
*hundreds of frogs start falling on crowd

Nice Confederate flag bro, way to commemorate coming in second place in a civil war.

20’s: need to look cool when I go out

30’s: need to look cool and be comfortable when I go out

40’s: need to be comfortable when I go out

50’s: I don’t need to go out

Favorite question to ask a prospective boyfriend for my sister:

Have you ever seen a dead body?

*casually lifts shirt to expose .357*

How many court cases have been thrown out because the judge needs a unanimous decision & the jury is made up entirely of dentists

“Pyromaniac” puts it strongly. I enjoy starting fires. It’s not my whole deal.

I don’t know, man. Climbing Mt Everest looks super boring and dumb. You just walk uphill and are cold. No thanks.

I’m raising my child to believe there were only 3 ‘Star Wars’ movies.

9 yo me: wow I love my public library yes I’d like to check out 14 novels that are above my reading level. Be back next week

Me now: wow I love my public library yes I would like to check out one—I believe it’s called a Bööke? I will be back in 3-5 business months

The man who invented Velcro died. RIP.

3 just told me he wants all the things pirates have for Christmas, including a real sword and a pirate ship.

Anyone have a good pirate ship guy?

Being an adult is bullshit. Babies get praised for being able to hold their heads up on their own like bravo your neck works, stupid baby

Indiana Jones and that one time he went to his actual job

“can i smoke in here?”
“sure go ahead sir”
“thanks”
*lights scented candle*
“can i scatter rose petals in here?”
“erm-
“can i dim the lights

Me: what big eyes you have!

Me: what big nose you have!

Me: what big teeth you have!

Dog: you’re drunk again, aren’t you?

God: you’re a kiwi.

Kiwi: so I’m a bird but I can’t fly?

God: true but you can do something other birds CAN’T.

Kiwi: really what’s that?

God: you can smell through your beak so good!

Kiwi:

God:

Kiwi: wanna know what I smell right now?

God: sure!

Kiwi: I smell bullsh-

When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.

Yeah, I’d like a job where I can spend more time with my dog.
– me at the employment agency

I’m tired of being the bigger person. Just once I want to be the smaller person. I want to be continually shrinking. I’d eventually love to be tiny enough to be carried around in someone’s pocket while shouting petty retorts.

If a whale bit my leg, I would simply pursue him relentlessly until my obsessive hatred became my undoing