All I’m saying is if getting weighed naked at the doctor’s office wasn’t discouraged, people’s weight at home and at the doctor’s office would be much closer.
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I can’t believe I got kicked out of chess club. I didn’t realize there were rules, I just thought the pieces fought like action figures. I shouldn’t have brought Wolverine.
my surgeon thought i was in my mid 30s and says i’m fit, trim, and look amazing. should i give him my number before or after he cuts me open like a fish?
Had a guy message me to tell me no DMs so I didn’t answer his message and then he got upset I didn’t answer his message… and y’all say women are weird.
The cookie jar oinks when I open it, so don’t ever question my dedication to these hips.
I fantasize about you, but I also fantasize about the day I’ll show someone up in a dance battle, so it’s not saying much.
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything weird
I’m usually a smart man but when my wife went into labor with our first born I brought my laptop to the hospital because my Farmville crops needed to be harvested before they died. She really had bad timing with that whole “labor” thing.
getting sucked inside the jumanji game for 30 years is starting to sound pretty good at this point
I love giving my roomba a little spoonfull of peanut butter and watching it work so hard it’s the cutest
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE?” – guy that just got a new kite for his birthday
Waking up in my 20s: shoot I have a pimple
Waking up in my 30s: shoot I have unresolved trauma in my lower back
My toddler got me up at 4:30am because “Eeyore said it’s morning” Stupid donkey ruining my life
The time for being a smartass isn’t when someone is in a murderous rage. There’s a discreet unmarked grave out there that’ll attest to that.
My 7yo asked “why doesn’t mommy eat ice cream?” And my husband and I laughed and laughed and laughed because every night after the kids go to sleep I eat a giant mug full of ice cream.
This was the very first time she’s appeared to be impressed by me.
You know you’re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.
Pick-up line: Hi, I have never been a Hollywood producer or USA Gynastics team doctor.
[new coffee shop]
DAY 1
barista: name?
me: Pru
b: order for Prune!DAY 2
m: Pru. P-R-U
b: Poo!DAY 3
m: JANE… MY NAME’S JANE
INTERVIEWER: What are your strengths?
APPLICANT: I’m a detail-oriented team player
[nothing wacky happens because this is a job interview]
Friend: My husband sets his alarm 30 minutes early so we can cuddle in the morning.
Me: My husband lets me sleep because he values his life.
Earth Day implies the existence of Noseth Day and Throatth Day
Do these panties around my ankles make my eyes sparkle?
Guy asked if I put him in the friend zone. I was like, whoa slow down there. I’ll have sex with you, but friendship is a serious commitment.
DATE: what’s with the tattoo?
ME: that’s Alcatraz
DATE: “prison tats” are not normally of the actual prison building
A hearty round of applause for Starbucks, please.
6: Dad what’s a Kardashian?
Me: Nobody really knows…
6: Sounds really stupid
Me: I love you
Sure a sense of humor is important but marry you somebody who knows plumbing bc that’s forever.
I thought Coachella was a bone in the ear.
If I could time travel to assassinate a historical figure I’d probably choose Archduke Franz Ferdinand
ceo: our customers are demanding ziploc seals for all of our bagged foods
product engineer: ok do you want me to make them easy to open
ceo: lol no
Pulled a loose string on my dress by accident and now I’m naked