All I’m saying is if I was murdered there’d be a lot of suspects
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Her: “My baby paints with her food because she’s artistic.”
Me: “That or your baby paints with her food because she’s a goddamn baby.”
No matter how much I shake my phone, you still won’t come out. Are you stuck? I think you’re stuck.
You guys realize St. Valentine was beheaded, right?
10: *mischievously to her sister* One foot, two feet, so for one boot, it’s two beet.
7: Noooooo, it’s booties!
If we sneezed Windex instead of spit I bet my neighbors would be cool with me standing at their window.
as is their right
My 4-year-old asked me what my name was when I was a kid and she was not ready for the wild coincidence when I told her I was also named Kristen as a child
Movie Studio Chief: We’ve made “Batman.” We’ve made “The Batman.” What’s next?
Me: “The The Batman”?
Don’t you dare look at me with that come hither stare; I haven’t hithered in years.
[boxing match]
TRAINER: Give him the old ‘one-two’
CHAMP: I’m not too good at math
TRAINER: Ok…a left and a right
CHAMP: Or politics
If your wife asks “Why are you like that?” It’s a compliment, right?
if i was the one who drove the titanic i bet i could have hit at least 3 ice bergs before it sank
I don’t trust rain…
Nature giving away free water like a damn hippie, instead of charging $2.99 a bottle like God intended?
Something doesn’t add up and it feels like communism
The good news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
The bad news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
Welcome home! How was your trip? Do you want to hear the good news about your plants or the bad news about your cat?
ME: The word “thief” should be spelled “theif” or we should change how it is pronounced to “thigh-ff” but “thief” always seems incorrect.
COP: While I agree with you, you are still extremely under arrest, lol.
What is wrong with Riverdale that ARCHIE was the best option?
I’m hosting an antisocial potluck,
Feel free to drop off your food and go
[showing date a picture] that’s me and my brother at summer camp [showing a pic of me holding a big fish] and that’s us after his accident
Billion Dollar Idea:
Add glitter to air bags to lighten the mood after accidents.
Still no power, and it looks like it’ll be off at least a few more days. So, it’s Mexican takeout by candlelight. Just like the original 12 wise men.
Don’t you just hate it when you order a book called “Cooking with children” and none of the recipes involves them as an ingredient?
never ask a starfish for directions
I’m very loyal to whatever brand is on sale
Please keep your dogs and your children quiet the morning of July 5th. I’ll be up all night setting off fireworks and will need to catch up on my rest.
Interviewer: It says here you have advanced math skills. How many times have you used them at work?
Me: *holds up fingers* This many.
“How do you speak such good English?” “I dunno 200 years of colonialism and eurocentric education, how do you know so little history?”
With the money I found in the dryer, the girl in me says buy chocolate and candy, but the adult in me says buy beer, chocolate and candy.
CW: Why don’t you ever wear your hair down?
Me: It makes me look approachable.
CW: So?
Me: I don’t want to encourage that.