Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just battle rapped my 4 year-old and rhymed “take a nap” with “piece of crap” so don’t tell me about your parenting skills.

My recipe for an upside-down cake is super easy:
1. Make a cake.
2. While carrying it, trip over the dog.

“See that guy over there? I have to serve him with papers today.”

-Oh really? Why?

“Because I lost my tennis racquet.”

netflix subtitles be like “speaking foreign language” bro translate it

[helping son with math]

Me: Problem one…(reading)…ok…(reads #2)…(reads #3)…(keeps reading)…ask your teacher for help tomorrow

If bowser kidnapped my wife, I would not be saying “wahoo” no matter how fun the jump was

I’m always two drinks away from digging up my backyard to look for dinosaur bones

Genie: Alright, you know the drill, 3 rules: no wishing for death, no falling in love, no bringing anyone back from the dead
Me: I wish my socks were tongues 🙂
Genie:
Genie: There are 4 rules

“Goodbye, cruel world.” I say while taking one too many Flinstone vitamins

My wife: Our daughter played Godzilla with her friend at school today.

Me: Wow! What were you?

Toddler: Godzilla!

Me: And what was your friend?

Toddler: Scared!

Not to brag but I can chop an onion without crying

And I can cry without chopping an onion

(Business)

Mike: It’s a sled. I call it the Mikesled.

Bob: I have a better idea.

WIFE: What’re the kids doing?
ME: Playing lawn darts.
W: Is it safe?
M: Hope not.
W:
M:
W: Wtf
M: Can’t afford to send both to college, Jen

Programming is chaotic magic. There are no rules. You ask a game dev “Can the player summon a giant demon that bursts from the ground in an explosion of lava?” and they’ll say “sure, that’s easy” and then you’ll ask “can the player wear a scarf?” and they’ll go “oof”

me: any clue how my house burned down

detective: fireworks

me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does

pregnancy tests should just read “pregnant” or “nope just fat”

Charlie Brown grew up to become a good grief counselor

that would 100% work on me

There are two sides to every story and I’m usually wrong in both.

[hell]
me: wow it’s hot down here

guy: ya but it’s a dry heat

me: i totally get why you’re here

[weapons store]

ME: *holding up a spare pin* Has anybody seen my grenade?

You only live once. Go talk to that gorgeous person… ask them for their phone number, steal their identity, buy yourself a big screen TV

I have eaten the
11 bags
of 5 organic
gummy bears
and blamed the child I was babysitting

forgive me

they were so smol
and so mush
and I couldn’t stop
and now the internet
knows all

When my Uncle died the obituary said that he ‘passed away in the warmth of his own home.’

It was a house fire.

Never be afraid to acknowledge your accomplishments

WATSON: Here’s the weird thing. There’s only one set of footprints.

SHERLOCK [smokes pipe and squints]: That means God was carrying the suspect.

Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Your options are a pound of salty meat or 900g of sugar

Kid packed for a 3 day trip to his grandparents with 1 t-shirt, 1 pair of underwear, and 7 pairs of socks. I have a few questions

my favorite childhood memory is fast metabolism