When my dog poops in the yard, no one cares. When I do it, I’m “drunk” and “bringing down property values” and my neighbor is “calling the cops”
All I’m saying is if I were president I would make a law banning women from saying “We need to talk”
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“Come on man! I’m sure your superpower is cool! Show me!
“Ok” *stares at two glasses of soda* the diet is on the right.”
My phone: 58%.
My husband’s phone: 7%.
Me: Honey, I need your charger.
Sleeping out in the country is so relaxing. The cool breeze drifting through your open windows. Clear night skies filled with every star in the universe. Crickets so loud you start thinking you have tinnitus
“I’m not like other girls,” I say, walking into a closet I thought was a bathroom
My wife says I’ve left the toilet seat up “like a bajillion times” but I’m contacting Jill Stein to demand a recount.
The earth revolves around the sun. So, I guess if you want me to revolve around you, you’re gonna have to set yourself on fire.
Pro tip: Don’t moan when getting a pat down at airport security
me: i guess you could say i’m “livin the dream” lol
teacher: sure but why the one where you show up to school naked