@Sean_Burgundy_

All I’m saying is if I were president I would make a law banning women from saying “We need to talk”

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@GroovyTasia

When my dog poops in the yard, no one cares. When I do it, I’m “drunk” and “bringing down property values” and my neighbor is “calling the cops”

@Tommytoughstuff

“Come on man! I’m sure your superpower is cool! Show me!
“Ok” *stares at two glasses of soda* the diet is on the right.”
“Wow um..neat…”

@sixfootcandy

My phone: 58%.
My husband’s phone: 7%.
Me: Honey, I need your charger.

@portmanteauface

Sleeping out in the country is so relaxing. The cool breeze drifting through your open windows. Clear night skies filled with every star in the universe. Crickets so loud you start thinking you have tinnitus

@ThisLocalHater

“I’m not like other girls,” I say, walking into a closet I thought was a bathroom

@KentWGraham

My wife says I’ve left the toilet seat up “like a bajillion times” but I’m contacting Jill Stein to demand a recount.

@wickedsuga

The earth revolves around the sun. So, I guess if you want me to revolve around you, you’re gonna have to set yourself on fire.

@_Tempo11

Pro tip: Don’t moan when getting a pat down at airport security

@daemonic3

me: i guess you could say i’m “livin the dream” lol

teacher: sure but why the one where you show up to school naked