Kid at the park just told me it’s her birthday today. I asked her how old she is and she said five and a half. Story absolutely crumbling
You Might Also Like
Email I meant to send – “I will touch base with you next week” vs the email I sent – “I will touch you next week”
HR reminds us to proof read before sending
Dogs are your best friend unless you’re playing hide and seek – they will sell you out.
What was that movie where the guy shrunk his kids then told his wife about it
[slips the bus driver £20]
“Maybe you let me ride the bus for free?”
Me: Just the other night I was sleeping in my bed and now here I am in the grandest backyard in the world having champagne with you fine people.
The Anthill That Has Formed By My Trashcan: *ant noises*
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
William Shakespeare never hugged or cuddled. Lovers called him the “No Holds Bard”.
I don’t really ask for much, just good health and happiness. Oh, and a tater tot as big as my head.
Hitman: *rummaging through my house looking for me*
Me, studied abroad:
Hitman: This reminds me of when I was in Barcelona
Me, studied abroad: ACTUALLY I STUDIED ABROAD IN BARTH-
It’s the embarrassment, not the blunt force trauma that kills you when you’re hit by a Smart car.
Airbags should deploy in the form of balloon animals. Sure, you’ve been in an accident, but now you have a whimsical puppy dog.
Do I believe in angels?
I don’t know.Do I believe in cheese?
I can see cheese.
Cheese has helped me out in difficult times.
Yeah.
Mom: I’ve got a new boyfriend.
Me: Really?
Mom: Yes. We’re getting married in 3 days.
Me: What?!
Mom: He’s an alcoholic.
Me: I don’t think…
Mom: He likes raising blue chickens.
Me: …I can’t tell if you’re having a stroke or playing Stardew Valley.
Punctuality is important. It’s the difference between helping your uncle jack off a horse and arriving late to find he’s already done it.
Don’t think of it as losing followers, think of it as frustrating bots to the point they go away
Me: [on mars] *opening bag of chips*
My dog: *blasts off from earth*
A man started choking in the line at Wendys today. Luckily the manager jumped into action… And opened another register
When I see guys with skinny jeans and skin tight T’s on I pretend they are actual giants who woke up tiny and just had nothing else to wear.
“Listen to your body.” Okay, my body wants to be fat and unemployed.
I knew my gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
My 4yo just said “is life a dream because it doesn’t make sense” and I suspect he’s right
judge: objection sustained. will counsel please rephrase the question.
me: alright, which *specific* Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle would you make out with and why?
I’m the kind of mom who burns one side of the grilled cheese, serves it to her kid with the non-burned side up, and crosses her fingers.
Nevada be like, omg I think I like him… so how many days should I wait before I call him? Is it 3 days? Cause I think it’s 3 days.
You can buy live bees. You can have them delivered anywhere you want. It’s like $6. The internet doesn’t make behaving very easy.
I have never been eaten by a tiger. If you want advice on how not to be eaten by a tiger, just ask.
Please note: advice may not work if you are near a tiger.
[pharmacy]
“Can I help you?”
Yeah, could you recommend anything over the counter for this?
*lifts shirt to reveal 7 fresh gunshot wounds*
The funniest thing about being sober is to realize you were so drunk last night you were tweeting all night with a calculator.
I think tonight while my wife is asleep I’m going to pull on the satin ribbon she’s worn around her neck ever since the day I met her. What’s the worst that could happen. One lil tug
People that use abbreviations like ppl, wyd, hmu, and idk – what do you do with all that time you saved?