All I’m saying is if I’m a nearby country previously occupied by the British, the queen is dead, the monarchy is tanking public trust via photoshop, the spare is in California making podcasts, and the real government blew through 3 prime ministers in a year + brexit, I’m invading
Everyone was sick in my house for a month and finally better and then my daughter coughed so I jumped off the balcony.
Parents, talk to your kids about drugs. Teach them organic chemistry. Obtain a research grant. Put big pharma out of business together
[annoyed burglar waking me] you still have a VCR?
[batteries in my TV remote die for the first time since I bought it 4 years ago]
“Useless piece of shit.”
When I want something a little healthier than an ice cream sandwich, I usually go for an ice cream salad.
“I’ve risen from the ashes many times” – Guy who gets drunk and falls into fireplaces.
A door was tried in court.
It was an open and shut case.
if you tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry they will clean it for free
Why is it called a backhanded compliment and not a slampliment?
What do you mean you no longer like one of the five foods you actually eat: a parenting memoir
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me: kinda feels like Mickey Mouse hasn’t done anything in a while
Obama:
Me: like we all know who he is, but
Obama: but he’s not relevant enough to be The Face Of Disney™
Me: relevance, that’s the word I was looking for
You know what I respect about Shaquille O’Neal? He endorses and invests in everything. Gold Bond? Yes. Papa John’s? Hell yeah. Epson printers? You know it. I just saw his name on an office chair at Office Depot. This man owns 150 Five Guys. That’s 750 guys
[costume party]
friend: you’re lateme, dressed as a sloth: sorry
Maybe jesus needs me in his life
i don’t like little dogs. i draw the line at ever having to say “we’ll go outside later, Brutus. there’s an owl out there.”
[naming god’s creations]
mammal 93: [waiting in line] i can’t wait to hang out with you on earth
insect 7: me neither. you’re my best friend
angel: next! insect 7, you are now an ant
insect 7: yay!
angel: mammal 93, you are now an anteater
mammal 93: ya- wait wut?
me: want to go to the ice rink?
friend: i can’t stand ice skating
me: you’ll be able to with practice
Humans have 46 chromosomes, peas 6 and crayfish 200. You’re clearly not that complicated.
Masks have freed me to do a whole lot of weird things with my mouth in public that I never even knew I wanted to do.
Bang me like a vending machine that cheated you out of a snack.
before mcdonald’s i bet “don’t buy cheeseburgers from a clown” was a pretty hard and fast rule
HOT LOCAL MOMS IN YOUR AREA ARE WAITING TO TUCK U IN & WILL BE CHECKING THAT TOOTHBRUSH SO GET IN THERE & DO IT RIGHT MISTER
My neighbours dog has more friends than I do and he bites.
Turns out I’m awesome at meditation. The instructor said she normally spends a lot of time helping new students learn to empty their minds, but in my case that isn’t necessary.
my delayed screaming response has baffled medical doctors and terrified amusement park goers for decades
They make SAVORY soup now? No more dessert soup for me!
Who wants to listen to me eat an apple over the phone? No weirdos
[God creating the stingray]
Ya know Peter, I was getting out of the shower this morning and thought “what if I made my bathmat a murderer?”
