All I’m saying is if I’m a nearby country previously occupied by the British, the queen is dead, the monarchy is tanking public trust via photoshop, the spare is in California making podcasts, and the real government blew through 3 prime ministers in a year + brexit, I’m invading
Sorry I sprayed bug spray in your face. Those fake eyelashes scared the hell out of me.
it was the best of times, it was the cursed of times
A tall guy in movie theater just sat in front of me and he’s on a date so he’s going to have good posture the whole time this sucks
My friend just told me that he can print a gun using a 3D printer, but I’m not impressed. I’ve had a Canon printer for years.
[flirting between USA and Canada]
Canadian: you’re my favourite.
American: no u.
*bludgeons you with a block of cheese
*eats evidence
coworker: anyone else smell lasagna?
me excited about my new vape juice: guess what
my future husband is probably fake laughing at his girlfriends Iame jokes rn. be patient king, a true clown is on the way.
me: [running from the police] you’ll never catch me!
cop: [unplugs the treadmill]
I think I may have screwed up. When I saw on here how the ladies liked the dad bod I went and got 3.
Haters gonna hate. And hater stabbers gonna hater stab.
It’s a beautiful day! The grill is going, I have a beer in my hand, the manager of this Walmart is yelling something wtf does he want
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m in the Secret Service”
Wow, you didn’t keep that secret too well did you
The scariest thing about the terrorists is how fast they can do the monkey bars in their training camp videos.
when people say they’re into genealogy I pretend to be interested, but deep down I know magic lamps aren’t real
The Compass
Someone taught my daughter how to craft 3D snowflakes and now she’s made so many that the inside of my home looks like it was in the path of an avalanche.
agent, on phone: my clients have decided to accept your third offer
me: it’s off the table
agent: {muffled} ..what about the second
me: also off the table
agent: {muffled} ..ok fine, they’ll take first then
me: hold on, let me get my cat out of here
“you should exercise for at least 30 minutes every day” ok and how much if you’re not trying to go to the olympics ?
My husband hates sex so much he left on a two week business trip. Three weeks early!
Apparently, saying “Wow, you’ve grown since I last saw you” isn’t deemed socially acceptable when said to adults.
If television has taught me anything, it’s that I can totally outrun an explosion.
No thanks, haunted houses. I can walk down the street at night being terrified some man is going to jump out at me for free.
Welcome to IKEA. I see you need a new Fyrkantig for your Dagstorp.
Me:How do you pronounce that?
*sound of corduroy pants rubbing together
I went for a job interview.
The bloke asked, “Where do you see yourself in 10 yrs time?”
“Same as now – in photos and mirrors,” I replied
Why does every dog run the moment you ask “what’s in your mouth”
what is joe biden’s plan to make everything bagels less messy to eat
quitting my job to pursue my true passion: not having a job
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
My 6yo: *begs to go to a Mexican restaurant*
Also my 6yo: *orders a hot dog*
