All I’m saying is if I’m a nearby country previously occupied by the British, the queen is dead, the monarchy is tanking public trust via photoshop, the spare is in California making podcasts, and the real government blew through 3 prime ministers in a year + brexit, I’m invading
i just think if i chewed lava quick enough it wouldn’t be too bad
My dog when she hears popcorn popping
Teen daughter: What? Why are you looking at me that way?? You’re all squinty and judgy.
Me: I just took my contacts out.
I need to babyproof my house.
I’m not having a baby, I’m just extremely clumsy
My teenaged daughter just asked me how to spell U2.
Fingers crossed for that athletic scholarship.
I asked my son if he wanted his sandwich on toast for lunch, and he said, “I’ll make it myself because you and the toaster aren’t friends.”
I rescued a seagull, taught it karate and named it Steven, so what?
[my funeral]
sister: did you know about this?
mom: [watching my pallbearers dressed like the ninja turtles carry my casket] it’s what he wanted
Sometimes somebody will retweet something from way back in my timeline and I’ll think “oh god, what all did they see to get there”
In Mexico, it’s considered bad luck to be decapitated by a helicopter
Suddenly had the urge to lay on the floor and do stomach crunches.
Then I found some bubble wrap and that urge went away.
Introducing ManBat
A bat who fell into man cave and now fights crime with human like skill (anxiety and a constant pain in his lower back)
Asked hubs to pick up tampons. Love doin that shit. Also said I needed super, light, long, short, orange ones so he’ll have to ask someone.
How to pet your cat:
1) start with their favourite spot
2) wrong
Imagine being a medium and having to talk to dead people as well as living people. That’s too many people.
When I die, throw me on Mt. Everest so it looks like I was trying to do something.
computer: choose a password
me: TheScarletLetter
computer: password cannot contain symbols
when I was a teenager learning to drive, I was very concerned about what would happen if I had to sneeze while driving. someone would tell me what to do, and I would be like, “ok. and if I sneeze?”
Prison Guard: *evil laugh* I’m going to do a cavity search.
Me, who has never had a cavity because I brush regularly: I look forward to it!
Good: being told by your friends that you have a big heart
Bad: being told by your doctor that you have a big heart
If I win the lottery I’m gonna run political style ads about my neighbor
JERRY THINKS IT’S OK TO PARK A CAR ON THE GRASS AND HE DRINKS CHEAP BEER FROM A SHOE
<job interview>
Do you prefer to deal with things in person or over the phone?me: no
[funeral]
WIFE: remember, don’t be stupid
ME: *to widow* I’m sorry u lost your husband
WIDOW: thank you
ME: do u want me to go look for him
Might start docking extra points from students who aren’t smart enough to cheat on their distance learning vocab tests.
Hot singles are in your area!
Hot singles are on your block!
Hot singles are in your house!
Hot singles are here to kill you!
I told my kid if he plays my drums again there will be repercussions
And send
Dead
Alive
Other✔
I prefer the Easter Bunny, for starters, he’s not making a list and checking it twice, and more importantly, he’s not watching me when I’m sleeping.
My son just handed me a note with 9 numbers on it and asked me to call his friend. I told him a phone number is 10 digits so this will not work.
Him: Ok, just add a 4 somewhere.
A lot of people don’t know this but if you’re turned into a vampire you don’t actually get a vampire name.
Some of you will just be Gary the Vampire
