Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

16: I hate old people.

Me: That’s where you and I are different.

16: You like old people?!

Me: No, I hate everybody.

People ask what personal grooming products I use. I just get whatever is on offer in the supermarket, so this week cat food & grapes.

boss: trouble at home?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] yeah
boss: wife giving you grief?
me: there’s a bee in my kitchen

Them: CHOOSE YOUR WEAPON.

Me: Nachos.

Them: YOU– wait, dude, this is a battle to the death.

Me: *mouth full of nachos* Yeah, and who’s the real winner here?

Why is it when you take a break from Twitter everyone assumes you’re happy and in love…
Maybe I was in jail.

I experienced this today. I decided I’m a genius. 😂

6: *putting on costume* ok, I’m the superhero! Who wants to be my sidekick, and who’s going to be the bad guy?

Mum: No! It’s bedtime, put your PJs on please!

6:….. alright, so mum’s the bad guy!

me: [trying to cheat in an exam]

teacher: I’m married

Wife just read through all my tweets.
Her eyes are very slowly rolling back into place.

[mini golfing]
CADDIE: for the 12th hole in a row, ur putter sir
ME: thank u
DATE: why did u bring a caddie

When your kids embarrass you in public, the only viable course of action is to turn away in disgust, muttering “who raised you?!” just loudly enough for everyone to hear

ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: ok
[later at zoo]
A: wtf
M: a lemur
A: I said leader
M: well ur ship is so loud I couldn’t hear a damn thing

Last Christmas I gave you my heart and the very next day you regifted it to your janitor.

I don’t cry when I cut onions because I have this little thing called composure.

Women that date guys with bad grammar are the goodest.

Imagine if you had a sunflower seed as big as a laptop. That is everyday life for a hamster.

We only teach “stop, drop and roll” to put out fire but honestly if you do it in pretty much any social situation it will also stop that.

Aw! She reminds me of me when I was in college!

[finishes a 15 minute drum solo] I think that answers your question, your honor.

(understanding 0% of what I’m being told as i’m getting trained for my new job) that all makes perfect sense, no questions

When our food came, I suddenly blanked on “bon appetite” and blurted out “mea culpa,” but she seemed fine with it.

That which doesn’t kill you better run for its life when you get back on your feet.

I had 13 items in the 12 items or less line, so I just put a banana in my pocket.

Hospital bills feel like:

Here’s a bill for your Dr, the second Dr that said hi to you, the nurse that showed you where the TV remote was, each person that brought you food, that one tech that removed trash from your room, and the spoon that you ate your jello with.

Phone: Swipe for Face ID.
Me: [swipe]
Phone: I don’t recognize you.
Me: [smiles]
Phone: I still don’t recognize you.
Me: [holds bag of chips in front of my face]
Phone: oh okay there you are

The donkey kong soundtrack stays on during sex

I’ve learned a lot over the years, but the best advice I can ever give someone is never buy a used harmonica.

Oh, hey guys how were the bars tonight? That’s cool. In case you were wondering all of the Harry Potter movies are still really good.