All I’m saying is if I’m not allowed to give a monkey a gun at the zoo they should have a sign.
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Running barefoot, the morning’s dew cool on my feet. My hair flows in the August breeze and I carry with me treasures from my past. I look to the horizon and I see him, my hero. And I smile. For today is Recycling Day and I’ve made it to the curb on time.
Salesgirl: [handing me makeup samples] here are the freebies we promised you!
Me: [wearing my brand-new beekeeper’s suit] …oh
Stop pronouncing it “pecan.” Everyone knows it’s “pecan.”
My 1 yr old only says the words “no,” “mine,” and “bye” and I tried it out and it turns out that’s actually all you need.
50 Shades of Grey is also the title of the 101 Dalmatians alternate ending where Cruella wins and makes a coat out of the puppies.
You don’t want to be on any project or mission with a checklist that includes “backup underwear”.
In every artist’s depiction of a meteor that caused the extinction of the dinosaurs, there’s always one T-Rex looking up at it like “That can’t be good.”
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
*First day as a missing person*
Wife: Hello police? Yeah call it off he was just in the shower.
ok, now say it again so my wife hears
“you’re too big for this ride, sir”
We’re fighting a fruit fly infestation, and I would have thought it was obvious they’re at the wrong house.
Hands up if you’ve given yourself a bloody nose by swooping down a little too eagerly on the buffet and smashing into the sneeze guard.
So, just me? Okay.
Timeouts just give children a quiet place to plot your murder.
Waiter, “Welcome to red lobster, I’m your seafood expert.”
me- “did you know octopuses have a beak?”
W-“no”
Me- “who’s the expert now?”
Mario: YAHOO!! *throws banana peel at another cart, eats a mushroom*
Me: This. This is why I don’t take you grocery shopping.
If we discovered ghosts tasted delicious it would change the entire dynamic of haunting forever.
Girlfriend: I think we should spend some time apart from each other.
Me: Hiatus?
Girlfriend: I hate us too.
Why are there no owls here? I WAS LEAD TO BELIEVE THERE WOULD BE OWLS HERE!
#hooters
my uncle was kicked out of the army for eating too many spider webs
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
I ate the whole box of slim fast bars. So excited about how skinny I’ll be when I wake up tomorrow.
All right then, keep your secrets
Me: One more peep out of you kids and I’ll turn this car around
Son: *slowly excretes a marshmallow chick*
Me: THAT’S IT
My car is saying it needs another oil change even though I literally got one in 2020. This is how the auto industry gets you.
In my house the roles are reversed cause my kids tell me to turn my music down.
Survey: How would you rate the cleaning products you recently purchased from us?
Me: I had to clean.
0 out of 5 stars.
I’m about to go for a run as soon as I text all my enemies and let them know.
Avoid cars that have a sign saying ‘baby on board’. That driver has only had a couple of hours sleep and is likely to be suicidal.
A young Lil’ Wayne sits alone typing lyrics into Word 97 when a cartoon paperclip suddenly appears on-screen.
[Did you mean “digger”?]