All I’m saying is if paper beats rock why are rocks used as paperweights?
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Having the meal you made rejected by a toddler is especially disheartening because it’s like, buddy, I’ve seen you eat play-doh.
God: you run really fast.
Horse: sweet.
God: people ride you in circles for sport.
Horse: kindof weird but ok
God: also don’t break a leg.
Horse: why?
God:
Horse: God? why?
Probably just poor graphic design…
Still not gonna drink from it.
I keep the peace. As a hoarder, I keep pretty much everything.
Law Enforcement: We’re cracking down on distracted driving.
Car companies: Here’s a 9-inch TV in your dashboard.
Why aren’t there any horror movies called “My 4 year old fell asleep in the car at 5pm”
Don’t forget when you’re tanning nude in your backyard that someone is zooming in on you from google earth satellite. You’re welcome.
Hungarian Prime Minister says his country has the largest trade deficit in Europe proving you shouldn’t go shopping when you’re Hungary.
Me: Sorry, I don’t have any alcohol in the house.
Her: Oh, you don’t drink?
Me: No, I drink. I just drink faster than other people…
my name is luke but my friends dont call me
Old cordless phones, for when you really need to be on the phone, but also need to sword fight the cat.
most embarrassing email exchange I ever had:
– Sent an email
– They replied & called me “Mautice”
– I reply with a stink about how my name is properly spelled and that it’s actually really important to me
– They told me to check my 1st email
– I had misspelled my own name
Me working 60+ hrs a week: I have 15 minutes free, so I should do 5 things.
Me unemployed: I can’t take a shower in less than 8 hours.
The only way an adult coloring book could help calm my stress is if it was somehow edible.
Leaf blowers… making leaves your neighbor’s problem since 1977.
Wife: Whatchya thinking about?
Me: *Thinking about how dogs understand more English words than I understand dog words* Science stuff.
I gave my wife a tip how she could wash the dishes better.
On a side note, Dawn detergent is really starting to make my hands more soft.
BELLE: *Trying to be polite* So, why do they call you Beast?
BEAST: *Legitimately surprised and hurt* People call me Beast?
Common sense: Walk away.
Me: No.
“Hi, how much for a slice of pizza?”
A slice is $2.50, and second slice only $1.
“I’d like 3 second slices please”
I call realtors advertising on bus stop benches and ask them the bus schedule.
My grocery store keeps rearranging the produce section. If I need to work this hard to find bananas, there better be a damn tropical breeze!
Me refusing to admit that my favourite shirt is a bit too tight now
[being buried alive]
murderer: *out of breath* how are you eating the dirt so quickly
My husband asked what I was doing and my phone changed tweeting to twerking and now he has questions.
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
Who called them “priests” instead of “weapons of mass instruction”?
Me: Dishwasher’s broken.
16: I’m sorry.
Me: Did you break it?
16: No, I meant, like, “I’m sorry for your loss.”
A kid in the park informed me smoking was bad for you.
So I popped his balloon with my cigarette & told him so was talking to strangers.