All I’m saying is if paper beats rock why are rocks used as paperweights?
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Feels like there should be a middle ground
Why are there never any cool side affects from drugs?
Like “this drug may cause severe sexiness”
It’s adorable when I bring workout clothes on a trip to Miami like I’m not just going to eat, drink, and sleep.
[documentary on bees]
“the reason why we’re filming the bees twenty miles away using the world’s longest super zoom camera is because of the bees”
it’s not about the cards you’re dealt, but how you play the hand you’ve got hidden up your sleeve
[My Wedding]
Me: I do
Guests: Awww
Me: Or do I?
Guests: Ooooo
That’s classic.
My son forgot he needed a new spiral notebook for today & is annoyed I don’t have one like, sorry our house didn’t magically turn into a Staples last night.
Why are there no horror movies about astronauts dealing with a werewolf on the moon? It’s such a perfect setup.
What the hell was that?” my dog angrily demanded as we left the vet’s office.
“What?” I asked.
“That thing you did with the guy.”
“What, shaking his hand?”
“Yes shaking his hand. I thought that was our thing.”
How Vaccines Work 🧫🧬🦠💉 (everyone needs to watch this)
*runs out of toilet paper*
“Good bye, infinity scarf”
God: And they will have relationships full of love, commitment, and passion
Angel: Sounds perfect
God: Lol, they have to pick two of three
Two pyromaniacs meeting on match. com is the same as fisherman meeting on plenty of fish.
“You’re running into trouble requesting something because there’s a late book on your account.”
“See, this is why I don’t like using the library. It takes me time to read things! How long have I had it out?”
“I mean, about seventy-two months. But hey I’m all for pacing yourself.”
[first date]
her: what did you study in college
me: (wearing ski mask) burgling
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
sometimes late at night i look up at the stars and wonder what life would be like if my hair was spaghetti. would i eat it? i prolly would. would i eat other peoples hair spaghetti? again, most likely yes
Good news. My neighbor found that last box of fireworks.
“You know what? I’ll just wait for the next Uber. Thanks.”
I love when kids say moo cow cause what other kinds of cows are there besides mooing ones?
[first day in a hair band]
Singer: you’re bald
Me: yes, I lied on my resume
Him: If you’re waiting for me to apologize…
Me: No…no…I’m just waiting to see if you leave any fries behind when you walk away.
I really upset my wife last week but she seems to have forgotten all about it. In fact she’s forgotten a few things since then, like my deadly nut allergy and the whereabouts of my epipen.
trying to act casual so the printer doesn’t realize this is time sensitive
Child: Mum!
Dad: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Child: MUUUM!
Dad: (You little prick) Hey hun..
OK, THAT’S IT! [angrily slams newspaper down on table] I am DONE with the Family Circus!
The “bangles to politicians” insult says “come be weak like women because the weak wear bangles”. No thanks, “self-proclaimed real men”.