All I’m saying is if paper beats rock why are rocks used as paperweights?
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At my funeral, throw my urn into the crowd and whoever catches it dies next.
We’re about two years from funerals starting and ending with, “don’t forget to like, share and subscribe.”
[spotify ai voice] ayo it’s ya dj, x. comin up, i’m gonna play you some music that sucks
i want the first line of my obituary to be about how i once used an umbrella three different times before losing it
If we’d just get used to eating bugs now, then they’ll be plenty of food when all those locusts come from that bottomless pit promised to us in Revelations 9:1:3.
“I love the Fall, the trees are so pretty”
It’s fall??
“Ya, so what?”
[leaves start attacking everyone]
OMG THE LEAVES HAVE TURNED
Friend: I got an audition for the play that cannot be named
Me: *Nodding* Fight Club
Hey, Lady Gaga. I know your fan base would probably revolt, but can you please hire the Goo Goo Dolls as your opening act so you can call it the Goo Goo Gaga Tour? Thanks in advance for your consideration.
Buy all the cute stuffed animals you want but your toddler is going to sleep with a spatula instead
I left her for one minute to use the bathroom. One minute.
If a picture is worth a thousand words then why does everyone only buy Playboy magazine for the articles?
My dream job is a pharmacy cashier & yelling for a price check every time someone checks out anal ointment, condoms, & men buying maxi pads.
I don’t need a psychic to tell me which planets make me sad. It’s earth.
Heartbreaking: Introvert sentenced to 100 hours of hanging out.
Just tried to move my cursor and took me a beat to realize my mouse was upside down and doing the exact opposite of what my brain was telling it to do. Drunkest three seconds of my life.
Doctors who do lip injections should be referred to as quacks.
Art Teacher: your drawings are due tomorrow
me: [hours later] maybe add in some grapes
police sketch artist: ..a bowl of fruit attacked you?
fiancée: I’ve chosen a date for the wedding
me: WHO IS HE
2: mommy, grammy goes to bed with grandpa
me: yeah, hey can we talk about something else?
I’m sorry I used your Diva Cups to quarantine my sea monkeys.
Change is always hard….
Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.
I’M CRYINGGG
“Oh, we’re going for a 2 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Oh, & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds.
Medusa: ok so I’ve decided I want bangs
hair stylist: *visibly pales
Me: I got my first TOTD! It’s exciting!
Him: What’s that?
M: um, well, it’s an imaginary trophy…
H: well then I’m imaginary proud of you.
Never underestimate the power of a group of idiots.
*plot twist*
plot: ouch!!!
I just did yoga. No wait, yogurt.
“Hey man, do you know how long that’s been sitting out?” – People who clearly don’t understand my commitment to eating