All I’m saying is if paper beats rock why are rocks used as paperweights?
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things are bad enough, today i’m playing goodminton
I wonder if Captain America ever borrows money from Captain China.
What started out as me wanting to make homemade spaghetti sauce has turned into a spot-on recreation of one of Dexter’s kill rooms.
A 5-year-old just asked me if I’d ever heard of algae. You bet I have you little weirdo!
The best part about Halloween is seeing people in costume doing normal shit. Just saw a Dracula standing by a car eating potato chips.
I wanted to go see the Queen reunion concert but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
Not only do I turn down my radio to find a house or a parking spot, but I also take off my sunglasses to hear someone better.
I’m on to you, Jake Gyllenhaal. I know you’re hiding another vowel in your name.
Not my fault if the kids give up too soon
“I’m $50 away from getting free shipping which is only $5 and what I want is $12 so I need to spend $38 more to save money.”
-my brain
According to HR, I have “a tendency to rub some people the wrong way”, which is disappointing, cuz I was aiming for ALL of ‘em.
Come on Canada, first Celine, then Nickelback, NOW Bieber!? Are you TRYING to provoke a war?
My hips? Compulsive liars.
Me: We need to rewatch the movie we had on last night because I fell asleep.
Family: Puts on last night’s movie.
Me: Falls asleep.
How to brew beer: First buy $300 worth of equipment from the last guy who thought it would be fun
Me: please bbc just tell me who the new Doctor is I won’t ask for anything else ever please
BBC: *reveals new Doctor*
Me: Nice!!
…
…Me: please bbc just tell me who the new companion is I won’t ask for anything else ever plea-
If McDonalds wants to check my $10 bill for signs of counterfeit, I should be able to check their chicken for chicken.
My wife always complains that I pack too many rocks in my luggage but I’ll be a goddamn hero if the worst should happen and someone needs to spell out SOS.
Never doubt a Woman with an extensive vocabulary.
We need to keep kids off drugs. It’s hard enough to find them without kids buying them too
Between the polyester and hairspray, it’s surprising more people didn’t spontaneously combust in the 80s.
The Flo Rida song Friday bothers me so much
“I wish every day was Friday.”
The magic of Friday is the anticipation of the weekend, and if every day was Friday there would be no weekend.
No one let this man make a wish on a monkey paw.
My dog wakes up at 4:30 every morning so he can take a nap by 6.
[posing for mugshot]
“now turn forward”
[flash]
lemme see
One of the top features of squirrels, for me, has got to be that squirreliness
Me: *grins* Couldn’t help but notice you checking me out.
Girl: Yeah, I’m a cashier at a grocery store. That’s my job.
doctor: we had to remove your appendix
JRR Tolkien: but that’s where I explain why elves hate dwarves
God: you’re a mosquito.
Mosquito: what does that mean?
God: you feed on blood.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire?
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: you can fly.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire!
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: garlic repels you.
Mosquito: [happy gasp] i’m an itty-bitty vampire!
Me trying to walk in a dream
Sometimes I wonder what ever happened to people who asked me for directions.