Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s easy to tell hedgehogs from porcupines. Porcupines aren’t blue.

Want to change your name without any legal hassles? Just come up with a new pronunciation, the government isn’t even keeping track of that. Congratulations Brenda, you’re Breenday now and no one can stop you

“Five year plan?”

[shuffles papers]

…written down here somewhere

… Ahh, here it is, lemme clean the cheese off this Mcmuffin wrapper

If you introduce yourself as Sal, just know that I will be disappointed when you reveal that’s NOT short for Salami

I just want to be fit enough to reach into my glove compartment, without crying.

Me: *interviewing a potential coworker*: why did you leave your previous job?
Him: I was fired
Me: what for?
Him: I knocked my boss out
Me: How fast can you join?

Me: Go ahead.

Waiter: Huh?

Me: You’re staring at my hair. Go ahead & touch it.

Waiter: There’s a leaf in it.

I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I open a bottle of some condiment when there’s already one open.

Husband said our electricity bills are too high need to cut back

so I asked him to move.

[blind date]

HER: I love classic rock.

ME: (trying to impress) I’ve been to Stonehenge.

I told my vodka about you.

[At the police station]

Cop: can you describe the incident with this *checks notes* this Jabberwocky? Start from the beginning

Me: Twas brillig, and the slithy toves Did gyre and gimble in the wabe; All mimsy were the borogoves, And the mome raths outgrabe

Cop: okay what

“I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” seems like a great slogan for tequila

“I have a coupon for a large 2 topping”
“What toppings?”
“Pepperoni & a small cheese pizza”
“Sir you can’t top a pizza with a smaller pizza”

establish dominance at a funeral by crying first

Don’t take this wrong but if I see another baby Star Wars character I’m gonna dismember everyone

If you love something, set it free.
If it returns, it probably can’t pay its student loans.

Me: [pitching an idea for a comic book] Imagine a superhero whose parents are–get this–alive and well.

Exec: *under breath* whoa

*gets to heaven*
omg grandpa!!
grandpa: *charging at me* you wore a jean jacket to my funeral you piece of shit

Im sick of the microsoft authenticator like who would be logging in to do my work? Tf 😭😭😭😭

“I need to get laid man!”

– eggs (in the chicken)

No one:

My dog on our 6 am walk: this is my emotional support dirty sock

Got 3 boxes of tampons, Midol & Ibuprofen at the store. Checker was so scared he paid for my shit & carried it out for me.

You: Artfully arranges flowers in vase so the room looks nice
Me: Artfully arranges garbage in trash so the kids don’t see what I threw out

if any of you are fans of deep house music blasted at high volume, i’d highly recommend the grocery store around the corner from me.

me: dave and i go way back. we served together for 8 years

her: oh wow. army? navy?

me: olive garden

Just yelled “LET’S DO THIS” when getting into my car, so my neighbors think I am doing something way cooler than my weekly Target run.

waitress: and for you?
me: egg
waitress: what does that mean sweetie, can you be more specific
me, carefully cupping my hands into a small oval shape: egg

FRIEND: [over the phone] Do you think the quarantine has changed you?

ME: [knitting a dress for the raccoons in my backyard] No

waiter: have you decided

me: yes, we’ll have the garbage bag that smells like scraps of salmon and coffee grinds

my date, who is a raccoon: perfect