all i’m saying is if you genuinely think the up-scaled gorilla would ever beat the NUCLEAR-POWERED GIANT LIZARD MONSTER in a fight then i fundamentally don’t understand you as a person
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‘Please, I need this’, I whisper as I try to steal a baby goat from the petting zoo.
Seriously guys, you have no idea how much nothing I can accomplish when I’m on Twitter.
Stephen Hawking says artificial intelligence could destroy the human race. Sorry Stephen, but my money’s on LACK of intelligence.
Husband: “Lost my keys again.”
Wife: “It’s in your Jeans.”
Husband: “Come on, Why do you have to Drag my family into this!”
If you don’t like giving advice just look sage & say one completely unrelated thing you know to be true & let the other person assume it’s a metaphor.
My neighbours probably think I’m getting laid, but these are just the sounds I make whenever I take my socks off.
Don’t worry about the people that drink Coke or Pepsi, worry about the ones that say “I’m fine with either”
i did not spend hours helping you clean your house just to be yelled at for hiding dishes in the oven
Me as a lawyer: your honor, stfu cause you wasn’t even there
Don’t tell me I look tired unless you’re offering to carry me
I just play poker so I can say I’m going all in without smirking.
Today my 2nd grader said “I won’t ride on the bus with my big brother again until I’m in 9th grade and he’s in 12th!” And I started blubbering immediately because, academically speaking, neither of these kids will make it to high school.
“It’s fine. I’ll get over it.”
TRANSLATION: I will remember every detail of what you did until I draw my last mortal breath.
What knobhead puts a shower opposite a mirror?
Totally unrelated, I’m starting a diet tomorrow.
Somebody in my gang is an undercover police horse. I’ve narrowed it down to Dave, Kyle and Sugarcube
Why didn’t Dorothy tell the Cowardly Lion about liquid courage?
Video games should be banned. My son just threw a turtle shell at a walking mushroom then disappeared down a green tube. Someone call 911.
“OMG THE CORN IS SHOOTING AT US”
– inventor of popcorn
Stages of Candle Burning
1: this smells nice
2: still smells nice
3: this is all I can smell now
4: this is the only scent I have ever known
[bear approaches]
friend: make yourself look big!
me: YOURSELF
My smart friend just told a story about Scott and Zelda Fitzgerald and I nodded the whole time, thinking to myself “Yes, I recognize both of those names.”
The good news is, Tony Abbott says Australia may have spotted two pieces of the plane. The bad news is, Tony Abbott says a lot of things.
God: How’s it going on Earth
Angel: They made a mayonnaise flavored ice cream
God: Send a flood. Send several floods
*DOG Talks
Dog (wearing headset):
So when I realized I didn’t *have* to fetch the ball, the power dynamic between me and my human shifted dramatically.
I’m not like all those other girls
*regurgitates a seagull*
Instead of a vasectomy they should have just called it a spermaban.
the first optimist who ever lived was the one who decided to open a coconut not knowing what was inside
Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom.