All I’m saying is if you really want someone to dance with you, you probably shouldn’t tell them to shut up.
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In my 20’s: I want to find true love.
In my 40’s: I just want a toaster that gets me.
Me, in a job interview: My weaknesses? I’d have to say one would be serving customers. Dealing with people in general.
HR: This is a customer service position. It was in the ad title.
Me: Another weakness is attention to detail. But that’s really it.
Just got my invitation to Lady Gaga’s wedding reception. I can choose between beef or chicken. Not for the meal, that’s the dress code.
I’m at that age where I can’t simply pick something up, I need to first knock it over and then pick it up.
I have to fast for 48 hours for my upcoming colonoscopy. My husband is not having a colonoscopy, but he will be fasting for 48 hours as well. He just doesn’t know it yet.
My foto for you
I hope you are a good girl
Your foto look nice#haiku
me: WTF all the shelves are empty
sales guy: yeah this is Ikea
I’ve turned the wifi off. The 15yo’s world has ended. I feel like one of the 4 Horseman of the Apocalypse.
Conquest, War, Famine & Dad.
Blessed are the teens who leave the kitchen cleaner than they found it.
Got drunk and did my taxes, i am getting back 1 zillion dollars, 2 slaves, and somehow the state of Rhode Island, this can’t be right.
When someone has a baby, I’m just like, OK, clearly you were desperate to have someone to hang out with
My favorite part about wearing a romper is getting completely naked in public restrooms.
felt that
3rd eye: youre on drugs
4th eye: youre a nerd
5th-7th eyes: ???
8th eye: you are now a spider
9th eye: spider on drugs
16th eye: nerd spider
If I climbed all the way to the top Mount Everest and looked up, then I’d finally see the top of our family’s weekly laundry pile
bad news gang
I don’t go on Facebook much so Dave, if you’re seeing this, thanks for the invite to your 2007 New Year’s party, hope you had fun dude.
🤣🤣🤣😆 Easy assemble?
me: haha isn’t it weird that i own you?
dog: [pauses mario kart] own me at what, exactly.
Just heard a dad threaten to spank his screaming son “in front of the world.” Stand your ground, kid. There’s no way he has that technology.
Oh that’s not nicotine stains on my fingers. That’s mustard. I don’t smoke anything besides ham sandwiches.
Shark tooth necklaces are the perfect accessory if you want to look tough but also tell the world, “i’ve been to a gift shop.”
I don’t think I can be bothered with dating anymore?
My husband:
When I go “Commando” I carry around a big machine gun & speak with an Austrian accent while I track down my daughter’s kidnappers.
step 6: release the wall snake
genie: you have 3 wishes
cat: i want to go out
genie: ok
cat: and back in again
genie: done
cat: and back out again
genie: ffs
That awkward moment when the
Priest uses YOUR confession as the
theme for his sermon.Again.
Me pretending to be shocked when they announced my boss got fired this morning like I didn’t interview for her position last week.
Yeah, if Albert Einstein is so smart then why is he dead?