Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ostrich: OMG SOMEONE KILLED MY DAD
PLS HELP HE’S BEEN DECAPI- …wait

911: *sigh* did he have –

Ostrich: he had his head in the sand again

[movie studio in the 2010s]

“This script stars The Rock as-”

Studio: WE’LL MAKE IT

Well, that’s disappointing. I called every crematorium in the state, and they all only do dead people.

Nurse at the doctor’s office took my blood pressure, and I swear she was one pump away from hearing my safe word.

F•r•i•e•n•d•s only its D•o•g•s
but instead of claps in the theme song,
barks

I don’t care how much candy he offers you, kids, do NOT get out of Billy Ocean’s dreams and into his car.

3: My mask is gonna keep my nose safe so my boogers don’t fall out of my body

Who called it a hot dog rolling grill and not a roller toaster

I’ve seen your area rug, and you sir are not single.

Adam: happy Mother’s Day, Eve

Eve: it’s tomorrow

Adam: happy Mother’s Day Eve

“Apparently she had slaved over her homemade stuffing. At some point during the meal, her brother-in-law announced, ‘I prefer Stove Top,’ and it was then, from what we understand, that the woman snapped.”
-11pm news, tomorrow night

Damn boy! What’s your zodiac sign? Bc I think we should make that Sagittariuu into SagittariUS
Oh you’re a Leo? Le OH ..where are you going?

I only see psychics so that I can keep arguing with dead relatives.

if u hurt ur leg u can use the frozen veggies at whole foods as ice packs 4 free. hold on im getting an update from the manager. no u cannot

PRO TIP: leave the oven on at all times in order to avoid the hassle of pre-heating

[dog on trial for murder]

lawyer: who’s a good boy?

dog: I am

lawyer: your honor I rest my case

How many pieces of chocolate is too many? Please say upwards of 27.

when you see warnings on the 3D glasses from the movies that says “do not use to view eclipse” that’s because of me

Her: Have you seen my glue gun?

Me: *Eating popcorn chicken right off a cob* No.

The Carpenters: Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: Those aren’t birds. They’re giant blood sucking mosquitos.

A friend handed my 7yo a coloring page as a gift, and my kid looked at it and muttered jesus christ. So I thought oh no I better watch how I talk around him, then he flipped it over and showed me…baby jesus

You said clothes were 50% off

But not one woman in here is topless

That false advertising!

I wonder how long it will be before “You look like a million bucks” is an insult. #inflation

[First Date]

Girl: (omg he’s so perfect)

Guy: I have In Pasture Syndrome

Girl: You mean Imposter Syn-

Guy: *grazing*

The Book. The Movie.

“I do so like green eggs and ham. Thank you! Thank you, Salmonella-I-am.”
– The breakfast that inspired Dr Seuss

I talk to my dog like she’s human and, like most humans, she looks at me like I’m an idiot.

Your “poetic” tweets would be so much better if Adele hadn’t thought of them first

Happy 50% off black jellybeans day!

{Me as a therapist}
HIM: Women don’t like me.
ME: Have you tried becoming a dress with pockets?