All I’m saying is if you’d told 15 year old iain his inbox would be full of robots, he would have been STOKED
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YES I’M JEALOUS OF YOUR GOLDFISH. MENTAL ILLNESS RUNS IN MY FAMILY.
Orcas seemed to have stopped attacking people and somehow that’s scarier. What are they planning?
“Check it out, I bought a shoot gun”
“You mean a shotgun”
“No not yet”
How long past date can I eat eggs like are they still good or am I naming them now
Dating tip: If you show a guy naked photos on your phone, 98% won’t notice if you steal their drink.
Mugger: “Give me your wallet and watch.”
*hand over my wallet*
Me: “Okay, I’m watching.”
H: So what’s the worst thing you’ve ever seen someone do?
Me: I watched a mother buy her son a harmonica.
*pretends floor is lava*
*looks around*
*slyly pushes homework onto the floor*
In a previous life I may have been a carrier pigeon, in that all I ever think about is going home.
My neighbor told me to close the curtains when I’m naked, but then I don’t get that cool sensation of pressing up against the window glass
4-year-old: My friend said when it rains, that’s God crying.
Me: I don’t know about that.
4: Is God sad because you smell like feet?
nothing says 2019 like when you group text your family from the bathroom to bring you toilet paper
Things you never find once lost
1. Innocence
2. Childhood
3. Chapstick
4. New Chapstick
5. Backup Chapstick
Transformers: Human Centipede was a bit disappointing…
⭐☆☆☆☆![]()
NYT: Yes Sauron Can Be Quite Aggressive But Consider Hobbits Who Go Around Throwing People’s Jewelry Into Lava Pits
Whenever I see a bruise on a banana my first thought is pity, but then I think it probably deserved it because I slipped on a peel once.
Having an older dog means ten seconds after you drop a piece of food, you have to drop an even bigger piece of food so they can find it.
me: it was my first day in prison, so I went up to the biggest, scariest guy and punched him
St. Peter: then what happened
I stepped in water with my socks on, you guys go on without me
They said she was a cat lady but when I threw her off a small building she didn’t land on her feet and now I’m in jail for murder.
Mike said he’s breaking up w/ u cause you’re not very smart & u have issues
Me: OMG I DO NOT HAVE HIS SHOES WE DONT EVEN WEAR THE SAME SIZE
[new snowman watching the snowfall]
Is this *gags* is this flesh?
Experts warn that theft in grocery stores is on the rise. Uhh ya, last time we checked charging $16 for a bag of brussels sprouts is robbery.
Had to Google, “Nice way to say selfish” for a recommendation today.
The secret to enjoying good wine: Open to let it breathe. If it appears not to be breathing, apply mouth to mouth.
Husband: *gives me two pancakes*
Me: Hey! These paper plates say they hold up to 2 lbs of food.
Husband: And?
Me: Keep stacking, buddy.
the sexual tension when everyone arrives at a 4-way stop at the same time
Text from wife: I’m so sorry, I’m gonna be about half an hour late
Me [forgot we were even meeting, still in bed]: you always do this
“Are… are you sure you know what an elephant looks like?“
“Of course, why do you ask?“![]()