All I’m saying is if you’d told 15 year old iain his inbox would be full of robots, he would have been STOKED
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So where do I put the banana if I am not happy to see you?
It would be easier on everyone if my kids’ teachers would cut out the middle man and email my homework assignments directly to me.
A little boy at the park ran away from my twins and promptly told his mom, “they scare me cause there’s two of them!!” Same, buddy, same.
Me: Can you hear me?
Ouija board: Y-E-S
Me: Is it hard to hear me with all the updog?
Ouija board: I-W-I-L-L-M-U-R-D-E
My son recovered from his illness while I was filling out all the paperwork in the waiting room.
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
Twitter’s original name was “Sentence Contest”
I once made a mistake with plurals.
It was an amazing feet.
To whoever stole my thesaurus, you made my day bad. I hope bad things happen to you. You’re a bad person.
“I’m a social activist. No seriously. I just changed my profile picture to a rainbow.” -everyone on Facebook
6yo, looking at a cemetery: WAIT HOW CAN THEY ALL DIE IN ONE SPOT
I’m still awake because my brain can’t locate my sleep file, babe
Hey did you know that if you step on the gas and brake at the same time your car takes a screenshot.
If you can’t spell, we can’t hangman.
We’re just two people shitting in side by side stalls waiting for the other person to go out so we don’t have to show our face
nurse:how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse: what
me: would not recommend
Crows are like if a witch decided “I’m a bird now, too”
In todays addition of what will we find when we take off our bra…two legos AND a winning lotto ticket! Just kidding that would be so awesome but it was just two legos.
When I was a kid at summer camp, I told my friend Rob I had two goals: to hammer nails up my nose at the camp talent show, and to find a girlfriend.
He said, “You might only get to do the first one.”
Parents, when you go to the bathroom don’t forget to lock the door so your kids can show you what it would be like if zombies were trying to break down your door in an apocalypse.
turtle after a first date: want to walk me home well this is me
My only stock options are chicken and beef.
Owls are the most beautiful birds. Real head turner.
yogurts should come in a five pack not four pack or make the work week four days
My husband accidentally locked himself out of the house, and I didn’t hear him knocking until I finished eating the rest of his cheesecake. So weird.
[Doctors appointment]
Me: It hurts when I go like this. *gets up and leaves and goes to work*
How to dress when you are a woman over forty:
1. Be a woman over forty
2. Put your clothes on
you ok? you’ve barely touched your crocissant
Me: I’m having unusual urges!
Doc: Perhaps we should take you off that medicine.
Me flipping his nose: I’m not taking any medicine you silly goose.