All I’m saying is if you’d told 15 year old iain his inbox would be full of robots, he would have been STOKED
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“Hello?”
Dad come get me from practice
“Sorry I’m going into a tunnel” *sound of mom giggling*
But I called the *connection drops* …landline
Alarm clocks would be much more effective if instead of a snooze button they just released bees.
I’ve been obsessed with random unnecessary quotation marks since I was a kid.
This is easily the most terrifying example.
Me, dying from machete attack: Someone—
My kids: What?
Me: Call the geek squad—
K: No!
Me: I’ve been hacked!
K: *run off to thank my killer*
Trainer: Are you wearing lipstick? Me: OMG no, that’s just wine.
[gets exhausted after having sex for five minutes] “Go on without me”
According to most health insurance companies, teeth are luxury bones that I must pay more to continue enjoying
If the majority of twitter’s trending topics are any indication of the state of humanity thus far, we clearly need an asteroid intervention.
I told my 7yo that I’m a tired old man and he replied “you’re not an old man, you’re a NEW man” so if anyone is looking for a life coach I know a guy
*Walks up to podium*
Hey everyone, sorry my wife couldn’t make it, she’s carrying our first child.
*crowd claps*
He’s 7, he’s just lazy.
A turn signal, but if you use it, your car catches on fire
~ the guy in front of me, apparently
I almost walked out of the dentist’s office without putting my pants back on.
titanic just goes to show what can go wrong if you paint someone else’s fiancee
Hate when the person sitting next to me on the subway notices me shamelessly reading their texts and starts tilting it out of my view like c’mon lemme have a lil read it’s just me c’mon who am I gonna tell it’s only me
When you drive by a cop car and wonder if you did rob a bank and just forgot about it
Treadmill salesman: This one has 12 incline levels and can maintain speeds of up to 15 miles per hour.
Me: (dumps two loads of laundry on top) I’ll take it.
I have yellow mustard, grainy mustard, dry mustard, mustard seeds, Dijon mustard, and horseradish mustard. That part of my life is in order.
“Be cool, be cool,
be cool”~me before I’m about to not be cool.
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.😁
if i pay $15 for a bottle of water at a concert or a sporting event, i better drown
Fun Fact: Rudolph isn’t on the Epstein flight logs because he flew there himself.
*reaching down to pick up baby*
no guys it’s totally cool, 5 second rule
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
All the girls I’ve ever kissed can agree on one thing. It’s weird that I have a beak.
Maybe the caveman who discovered fire was wearing corduroys and running late for a meeting.
me: so this is twitter, and these are all the people who follow me
dad: and they like you?
me: haha oh goodness no
My son graduated preschool last week, so naturally I’m saving all his artwork in the basement so I can give it to him when he’s 37.
divorced parents be meeting at store parking lots exchanging they kids like it’s a drug deal. 😭
Kid: if you could turn invisible, what’s the first thing you would do?
Me: take a nap