Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Patient: Doc, my stomach is killing me.
DR DOG: *scratches chin* Have you tried eating grass?

Know why I pulled you over?

“No sir”

1987, 7-11 on Main, you paid for Coke but filled your cup with Slurpee. We gotcha. We finally gotcha

If you have any questions or concerns please don’t. Hesitate to ask.

you ever think about how “welp” is just the modern English version of “alas”

Breakup? I’m sorry no.

You’re not finished being in love with me yet.

[job interview]

“So where do you see yourself in 5 years?”

Getting asked this question somewhere else

My lack of pants is nobody’s business.

Make someone’s head explode by accusing them of being in denial, then nodding condescendingly as they try to deny it.

Writing tip: Give your characters different names. If all your characters are named “Nathan”, readers will become confused.

I’m bisexual, but I don’t currently have a boyfriend or a girlfriend.

You could say I’m on stand-bi.

Him: you seem disappointed

Me: i just thought we were staying at a sweet

Him: this is a suite

Me: *licking the wall again* these are not gingerbread Patrick!

He challenged me to eat just one chip.

So I had two. Dozen.

“Can you veegle your toes for me? Veegle your toes.” – Dracula, ER doctor

it must be school picture day

Saw my son pretending to pole vault with a curtain rod. It took me a good 10 mins to realize it meant there were curtains down somewhere.

“Are you talking back to me?” “Mom, that’s how a conversation works.”

If I could be a superhero, I’d be Aluminum Man. My superpower would be foiling crime.

Bars reopening but you have to wear a mask? Ugly people, this is OUR time!

So I am at work and my wife calls. Tells me she grabbed my chocolate Oreos by mistake, which she hates. Separated one, saw her mistake, put it back together and back in the bag. So if I find one a little off centered not to worry about it.

This is my life.

covid spelled backwards is devil. Don’t look just take my word for it.

Wonder why we didn’t get blimp sky view coverage of game.

FBI: oops wrong one

I picked up one of my son’s school masks and it had a horrific red mess inside and before I could even put words to my fears he said “I dropped a meatball in it.”

me: most people don’t use their middle names

machine kelly: it just feels dumb this way

Trees put cats in their hair so they can flirt with firefighters when they climb up them.

If The Bachelor was realistic they’d ask each other where they want to go out to eat and then never make a decision.

So in The Matrix they feed you the liquified remains of the dead through a tube but you get to sleep and be online all day? I’m listening.

Don’t run with bagpipes. You could put an aye out. Or worse yet, get kilt.

the 80s were wild man, you had bands naming themselves after predatory cats with hearing problems

Me: *giving my wife puppy dog eyes*

Wife: WHERE THE HELL DID YOU GET THESE?