Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I asked my 4 year old why he was heading into the garage and he casually replied, “don’t worry, dad, I’m just grabbing a hammer.” I know I should intervene, but part of me hopes he’s going to fix the loose baseboard in the hallway.

You’ll use a different oven for the pizza, right? RIGHT?

Friends with benefits? What, like you can provide dental insurance?

THIS IS NOT A FINANCE ACCOUNT. I DO NOT HAVE ANY TRADING ADVICE.

HEDGES-STOCKS IS MY SURNAME.

me: see you tomorrow
coworker: ok it’s a date

[later]
me, thinking to myself: a date? but that could lead to affection, intimacy and eventually, love

[the next day]

coworker: *just doing work stuff like any other day*

me: *in HR desperately seeking a transfer to Argentina*

In every single case, the Scooby Doo gang discover a human is behind the mystery, not ghosts or mummies or whatever. Yet they start each new case believing the villain is a supernatural being. Every time. Not once do they say “maybe it’s an old man like last time”

Had to change my work password twice today and I’m rapidly running out of Brendan Fraser movies.

Just accidentally swallowed some Listerine. Expecting a minty fresh poop in the near future.

[walking on beach]

[find bottle with message in it]

Message: IS YOUR FRIDGE RUNNING?

[another bottle with message washes against my feet]

It’s pretty and I’m a Taurus so naturally, I can’t help myself.

I’m hunting wabbits…

I’m not saying my family watches too much tv, but our 5yo just stood up from our family campfire and asked me to pause it.

Y’all tweet like you don’t know it only takes 2 doctors to commit you.

When a millenial asks why everyone in old photos have red eyes I tell them they were too young to remember the great demon uprising of the 1980s.

I’m at my sexiest when I try to run in flip flops in the rain.

ew! gross! people in other countries eat animals that we keep as pets! surely my western worldview is the universal standard of morality and im not being racist at all

can anyone recommend some good behaviours for someone who just started behaving

Subtle cannibal alert: people who call their friends “peeps” around Easter.

My favorite Skrillex song is the one where he drops a spoon into the garbage disposal and steps on a cat’s tail.

No, Twitter trending topics, I don’t want to hear about double mutant ninja COVID.

Mom: I’ve got a new boyfriend.

Me: Really?

Mom: Yes. We’re getting married in 3 days.

Me: What?!

Mom: He’s an alcoholic.

Me: I don’t think…

Mom: He likes raising blue chickens.

Me: …I can’t tell if you’re having a stroke or playing Stardew Valley.

Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.

Chinese takeaway – £17
Delivery charge – £1
Realising the idiots have forgot one of your containers – Riceless

MESSENGER: sire, a peasant named humpty dumpty fell off a wall
KING: send all my horses and men to put him back together
QUEEN: should we not just send a doctor
KING: no send all the horses and men
ADVISOR: my liege, the castle will be defenseless
KING: all of them i said

You catch more bees with honey, but I don’t want any bees. Seriously, if I could have all the bees, I’d want exactly zero bees.

You can lead a horse to waterbed, but you can’t make it snuggle.

For sale: Safe word. Sadly, never used

arnold schwarzenegger opening a flower shop saying things like “come with me if you want tulips” and “it’s not a petunia” and “your clovers. give them to me”

My apologies to your congregation. I totally misunderstood when you asked for missionary volunteers

[commandos infiltrating enemy fortress]

COMMANDO 1: uh oh, we’ve got company!

COMMANDO 2: damn *opens wine and begins to set table*