Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m a professional burglar. I’ve always been careful to not shit on my own doorstep and have made a point of leaving my neighbours alone. This is not made easier by the local Whatsapp group where people regularly state their holiday dates to everyone

*puts dreamcatcher above bed*

“Sure hope this works”

*wakes up in the middle of the night*

*Ryan Gosling is stuck in dreamcatcher*

“YES”

A great first step 😂

Maybe we should be focussing less on Goldilocks and more on why Mama and Papa bear don’t sleep in the same bed anymore.

Pro tip: Next time you’re at a bar, go up to a woman & whisper “Hey, wanna get outta here?”

If she says yes, you can sit where she was.

Spiders: Nature’s reminder that you are, in fact, a little girl.

Select the reason for canceling your order:
◽️Item(s) would not arrive on time
◽️Need to change shipping address
☑️ I was drunk

You raise a generation of overthinkers by telling them to put on their thinking caps in second grade, but never to take them off.

He was a good dog. He was a beautiful, very good dog. Who was a good dog? Who’s a beautiful, good boy? Was it you? It was.—Dog obituary

My car lease is up and I have to return it back to the dealer today, so I’m practicing jumping out of a moving car.

What’s the opposite of coffee?

Sneezy.

[recovering from food poisoning]

Me: Finally feeling better

Leftovers in the fridge: You up?

I’m just saying, no dog has ever ghosted me

“Try it, it’s so good!”
“Come on, man. Just a taste.”
“I’m having some. Mmmm.”
“Trust me.”

Feeding my 2yo makes me feel like a drug dealer.

Why don’t we just stick an “a” in there and finally start calling it what it is…. “Moanday”

What animal do I respect most? The octopus. I have no idea what to do with my hands most of the time, and I only have two of them.

When someone asks me how my day is, I like to say “Still kinda pissed about Hiroshima,” & then start swearing in Japanese.

My 4yo thinks it’s fun to bring up special moments completely out of the blue. So all of a sudden I’ll hear, “mommy, remember when you forgot to water the plant and it died?” or “remember when daddy dropped the burgers on the floor?” Feels like we’re living with a tiny heckler.

Like that scene in ‘The Revenant’ where Leo is mauled by the bear but it’s just me at your wedding reception dancing with your grabby aunt.

My kid yelled she couldn’t wait to be an adult so I handed her the bills, threw the laundry on her bed, replaced her pizza with cauliflower, redirected my student loan calls to her phone and demanded she get me a snack every time she tried to go to the restroom.

My kids can’t find any clean clothes because they packed them all for a trip. We leave in 5 weeks

Statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a vending machine than a shark. But here at SharkVend™, we think we may have found a way to even those odds.

When aliens make movies with earthlings in them, I wonder what goofy names they give us?

I wish I could call my dad’s therapist and be like “hey what exactly are you working on over there???”

If I tell you I’m running 10 minutes behind, that means 10 minutes later than normal. So, 20 minutes-ish.

I think I’ll stand

[as a lawyer]

me: “permission to approach the bench, your honor”

judge: “granted”

me, whispering: “are you mad at me?”

2020 is like going to a wedding and finding a cash bar kind of year.