Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.

Me: mmm daddy, all up in there
Priest: it’s “our father who art in heaven”

HIM: the first rule of fight club is never talk about fight club
ME: but we’re talking about it now
HIM: I mean like to your friends
ME: were not friends?
HIM: I mean kinda but-
ME: *crying* this hurts worse than getting punched

A spider so big you politely ask it to leave the premises & then sheepishly accept its refusal with all the dignity of a French surrender.

Called in, “Car’s in the shop, so I’m taking the treadmill this morning. It’s taking forever.”

The kids complained that I was making them run laps around the house for exercise, so now they’re running laps with a vacuum cleaner.

I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.

respect

I cross my legs because I’m a lady and classy and I really need to pee.

I can always tell when it’s closer to Christmas. My wife replaces the hand soap with the stuff that smells like gingerbread and I spend a week looking for cookies that haven’t been made yet

Never let me in your house because I will do stuff like this

Applying for jobs sometimes is wild like how am i supposed to be passionate about a company I don’t even work for yet?

doctor: I’m afraid your husband has died

my aunt: oh no wait have you tried giving him *scrolling facebook* apple cider vinegar

Toddler, sleepily: “A lot of people live in our house.”
Me: “Momma, Matty, and me. That’s all.”
Toddler, pointing behind me: “And them too.”
I turn to see an empty hallway. I’m 99% certain it was an empty hallway.

[Antiques Roadshow]
This mirror frame is a classic Victorian style, but the ghosts in the reflection are wearing Edwardian clothes so the glass was likely replaced

Mr. Smith: My family names goes back to my ancestor that was a blacksmith.

Mr. Carpenter: Mine goes back to an ancestor that was a woodworker.

Mr. Dickinson: Mine goes back to an ancestor we no longer speak of

“I think this cereal has gone bad.” *me drunk, eating Meow Mix*

Brilliant!

Me: Can I please be 7? It’s my lucky number.

Policeman: Get in the damn line up.

Putting glasses on a Mr. Potato Head and asking if he’s just gonna be a spec tater his whole life.

I spend a lot of time alone

First day of summer vacation so I told my kids to propose a daily chore list and a fair compensation system and long story short, I just got home from work and I guess I already owe them $725 and a trip to Disneyland.

The 4th little pig built his house into a windmill. The wolf huffed and puffed and generated enough power to last the whole winter.

Me: God, please stop giving me your toughest battles

God: you literally just have to empty the dishwasher

I’m sorry that your Facebook personality quiz matched you up with a rice cake.

Amazing how each of the kids in Willy Wonka was written to represent a different deadly sin: pride, gluttony, sloth, chewing gum until you become a blueberry, greed, etc.

There’s a lady on my NextDoor app who likes to jump into long threads and write “can we please stop talking about this” with increasing frustration while everyone ignores her and I love her so much

Find a penny, pick it up. All day long you’ll wtf, that thing is filthy. Wash your hands immediately.

sonic has been forcefully and unjustly removed from over 100 public pools. that is his walking speed. he wasn’t even running.

I hate when I’m in a restaurant bathroom, and I run out of toilet paper. Like my dinner guests are gonna be scared of HALF a mummy costume