All I’m saying is if you’ve ever seen me put patio furniture covers on, you’d NEVER ask me to put a condom on.
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Keeping up with the Kardashians is exhausting tbh.
A thick layer of mayonnaise on all your furniture will remove water rings from wood and unwanted guests from your house.
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
Someone needs to speak to the graphic designer who came up with this.
I tried to help my third grader with some practice IQ test questions, and either he’s a genius or I’m a potato.
“If ya wanna go and take a ride with me / wear your seatbelt” – Nervous Nelly
the best part about being a parent is explaining normal human behaviours to the small feral people, my favourite of which has been “we don’t pee our pants on purpose when we are mad”
I don’t always say ‘oops’, but when I do, it’s usually ten minutes after I have a brilliant idea.
Listen, I’m as surprised as you are that I have no murderous ex-lovers, but I was gifted (and/or cursed) with the ability to leave someone so tenderly they’re left thinking it was their idea, and wondering why they ever let me go.
[a doomsday prepper whose rations from Y2K just ran out today emerging from his shelter] hey everyone hows it going
iPhone 8 is like your ex coming back after a year saying they changed, you give them another a chance and realize they’re basically the same
[playing the board game Guess Who]
Me: Is your person handsome?
5-year-old: No, they look like you.
[skydiving]
cute instructor: open your chute!
me: lol make me
INTERVIEWER: it says here on your resume that you’re good at small talk?
ME: ʸᵉˢ
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
dating me is like dating a golden retriever cuz u will be picking blonde hair off u all day and i get way too excited about everything
I don’t know why people complain about growing out short hair. It’s a passive process. You just let it happen, and don’t look in the mirror for 10-12 months. Easy peasy.
“People are acting crazy” says the interviewed shopper with the shopping cart piled high.
I photoshopped some long arms onto a T rex. Those short ones don’t look so stupid now, do they?
What do people in non-baseball countries call second base?
If it takes a village to raise a child, why are my neighbors sipping coffee peacefully on their front porch while I do all the work?
Twas the night before Christmas, all through the house not a creature was stirring not even my vodka martini because it’s shaken not stirred
“Whatcha doin’ right now?”
“Finishing up some emails.“
“Wrong. You’re drivin’ me to Petco.”
“Why? You have plenty of food.”
“I’ll also need you to wait in the car.”
“Wait, what?”
“And, keep it running.”
“What’s going on here, Max?”
“Nothin’. I just gotta see a guy about a thing.”
*uses 2 pens to tap out the drum solo from In The Air Tonight by Phil Collins during my disciplinary with HR
What do you call a cow that eats your grass?
A lawn moo-er.
H. P. Lovecraft implies the existence of H. P. Livecraft and H. P. Laughcraft
Welcome to adulthood. The weekend is your only time to catch up on everything but also your only time to do absolutely nothing.
The Internet: An electronic version of, “Now, why did I walk into this room?”
(friends getting chinese noodles without you)
that’s pretty lo, mein
Become a parent if you want to be judged by your kids on your ability to provide chocolate milk at any given moment and by other parents for being willing to
Every night when you sleep,I sneak into your house, full of desire.
I then reduce the amount of marshmallowy treats in your cereal&go home.