All I’m saying is if you’ve ever seen me put patio furniture covers on, you’d NEVER ask me to put a condom on.
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Apparently the thirstiest creature in the whole world is always a kid who’s been told to go back to his bed like a hundred times.
4: *tells me a loooong rambling story about school*
Me: *asks her ONE follow up question*
4: don’t want to talk about it anymore
I opened Match and Tinder on my Kindle Fire and it burst into old flames.
[harry potter at work]
Colleague: when you were in school you killed a giant snake thing, right?
Harry: a basilisk, yes
Colleague: can’t even edit a google doc though, yikes *sips coffee*
Men are almost twice as likely to tell pollsters that they have a plan for the zombie apocalypse than women. Often before the pollsters even ask.
is this a threat
Me, when Prime Video asks me to pay an extra $2.99 to remove ads.
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
Thank you for ordering this $2 necklace from Etsy. With shipping your total comes to $758,937. Item will arrive from Uzbekistan in 3 years
women will invite you to shower with them then cook you alive with a temperature of water you didn’t know existed
I joined Twitter to have something to do while I waited for the repairman. It’s only been 3 years, he should be here any month now.
My last husband’s name is Don. I just added an E to it and walked away.
Moms, teach your sons to mind their manners, cook a decent meal & look for inner beauty.
Dads, teach your daughters how to throw a punch.
Journalists stuck in 1970’s Belfast absolutely hating it
There’s one barista who treats me like I’m very important for whatever reason & he doesn’t let anyone else make my drink so at first I was like “Well shucks, I feel special” but now I’m like, “Is he slowly poisoning me?”
If these walls could talk I bet it would be gibberish cause these walls are plastered.
ME: *reading a tweet* What does fr mean?
WIFE: For real
ME: Yes Sharon. I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t want to know.
[tarot reader looks at my cards]
you’re gonna die clonking your head on something
What in all holy hell is going on with this box of toilet paper I just got from Amazon
Protip: if a woman you’re with is screaming “ELEPHANT! SENATOR! BANANA! EUCALYPTUS! MISSISSIPPI!” it’s because she probably forgot the safe word.
Now that I’m a dad, I can just fearlessly blurt out “Congress are a bunch of losers” and go back to reading the sports section.
You know when you use hedge trimmers but can quite get the line straight so keep cutting more and more till there’s not a lot left?
Anyway, 10 now has a short haircut
HIM: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Wait, just how long is this interview?
I wonder if people who live on the sun are just as excited about the eclipse as those on earth..
Legend states that when you’re in the middle of an existential crisis, a child will appear to cry about their sibling looking at them the wrong way
Oh well….there’s always tomorrow!
#hopespringseternal