Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I opened this great self-care app.
It’s called “the fridge.”

Trimmed my eyebrows too short. Now every time I catch someone staring, I sternly say “my eyes are down here.”

*slips seductively out of shorts*

You know what that means…

*sleeps soundly for 7 hours*

*drools a little*

My doctor told me if I was 5″ taller I’d be at the ideal weight, so I’m going to try and give that a shot.

[me narrating a documentary about the pyramids]
I really want a Toblerone for some reason.

Dear Diary: Day 41 at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry. So far none of the other students have noticed that my wand is a Slim Jim.

Inside my chocolate wrapper was a quote that said “Hands are meant to be held.” It made me laugh. Hands are meant to be washed.

Me: We need a more colourful couch

My kid *carrying paint colours*: mumma what colour would you like our couch to be?

Why is a zombie’s strongest primal instinct always “violent hunger” when their organs don’t work? I feel like I’d just want to collect frogs

Him: I’m making you Produce Manager.
Me: A PLUM assignment!
H: …
M: You’re a PEACH!
H: …
M: Do I start today or TOMATO?
H: You’re fired.

Look, I’m just saying it might be financially viable to use rice cakes instead of spray foam insulation

If you wear oversized sweats to the grocery store, and an attractive man smiles at you, is it a flirty smile or a pity smile?

Katy perry I have listened to your new song backwards and I understand the mission. Sleeper cell activated

i did not spend hours helping you clean your house just to be yelled at for hiding dishes in the oven

Wife: We need a new fridge.

Me: This is a terrible day.

Wife: You can use the old fridge as a beer fridge.

Me: This is the best day of my life.

[Last Supper]
Jesus:”We need 13 chairs please”
Judas:”But chairs don’t fall into common usage until the 16th century AD”
Jesus:”AD?”

Her: I like how you did your hair today. Me: OMG thank you, I passed out in my closet last night.

Don’t “psh” me, Coca Cola I just opened.

I haven’t been invited to my family’s Thanksgiving dinner since 12 years ago when I put pepper on my mom’s mashed potatoes without trying them first.

“It’s our third date and you still wear that shirt?”
Honey, this all they have in prison.

I never chase a man.
I always go for the ones who are too fat to run.

*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*

Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.

Most monkeys don’t like bananas, they’re just being sexy.

I just couldn’t get into “The walking dead”. It was far too unrealistic and fake for me. I mean, come on, an Asian guy named Glenn???

Avoid cars that have a sign saying ‘baby on board’. That driver has only had a couple of hours sleep and is likely to be suicidal.

All I said is, I prefer a fresher corpse. Don’t make this weird.

Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.

Neil Patrick Harris couldn’t host a tapeworm without a musical number. #Emmys

If Goldilocks was part of the Marvel Universe, The Three Bears would be her porridgin story.

Math at Halloween.