Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have began to yell ”NOT FRIENDLY!” when people try to approach me.
I learned that from dog people.

UPDATE: My wife’s resolution to yell at the kids less has just taken a very bad turn.

Men grow their beards and everyone is all ‘oh look at them don’t they look rugged and handsome’

I grow mine one time and…

I’m running out of lies to tell in confessional but it’s the only place I can sit in silence away from my kids.

Are we sure that we’re supposed to look for a human to settle down with? Cause I’m discovering I have much more in common with this blanket.

On a Zoom call at work today, a coworker said she was going on mute because she had found an emergency stash of biscuits, and was trying to eat them all before her kids came home. We all applauded.

I just spent 15 minutes searching for my phone in my room, using my phone as a flashlight…

Me: *taking a family photograph*

Family: Did that guy just steal our picture?

My dog is LIVID with me because I’ve just let another dog walk by our house and done nothing about it

My husband just screamed NOOOOOO so loud I thought something was horribly wrong. Don’t worry you guys, no one is injured, someone just hit their ball in the water at the Master’s.

[“Platonic” male friend rams car through my bedroom wall]

I heard you broke up with your girl. You ok? Ready to give men a try now?????????

Developer: We have a problem.

Manager: Remember, there are no such things as problems, only opportunities.

Developer: Well then, we have a DDoS opportunity.

Apologizing for canceling a meeting is like saying sorry for buying me a beer.

Animal: Touch me and I will kill you with systematic attention to detail designed to inflict the absolute maximum amount of suffering your mind can comprehend

Me: That tail tho

Woman love a men with good grammar

Make there knees week by writing them a love letter or too.

Me: *finally finds the motivation to do a computer task that I’ve been procrastinating for months*

Laptop: TIME TO UPDATE LOSER

She’s marrying HIM?! TODAY?!

*cut to me sprinting across town to stop the wedding but I see a good dog at the park and pet him instead*

I bought a reusable straw so now I go by Captain Planet.

I quit smoking ten years ago, but every once in a while, I still enjoy a camel when I’m driving.

*Shrek pre-production meeting*
Producer: Do we have a name for the dragon yet
Guy who named the donkey “Donkey”: I was thinking Dragon sir

Welcome to your 40s. Your ability to be sneaky will now be hindered by your bones cracking when you walk.

Stock market update:

Last month 401 k
This month 401 not ok

I hope my family appreciates the irony when I choke to death on one of these enormous daily multi-vitamins.

-So YOU’RE the mother of this girl called..(checks notes) ..Riding Hood?
-Yes! Something happened to my beloved ch..
– Are you kidding me? You’re under arrest

Daughter found the wrinkle cream and when I told her what it was for she said, “Daddy, you should use that when you grow up” so I guess my point here is maybe 4 isn’t too young for a pony.

this picture pisses me off so bad. no bread or cheese but we brought the fucking pinecones. i’d be so pissed if my girlys showed up to the picnic with this shit. id be taking big bites of that pine cone saying MMM YUMMY just to make a point

The Mayan calendar didn’t end in 2012, they just sold the calendar technology to a billionaire from another continent who promised to make it “better”

I’m gonna play on a Slip n’ Slide in my front yard tomorrow morning while the kids on my street wait for the school bus. #Hero

When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.

Well I guess it’s time to learn my kids’ names.