All I’m saying is, I’ve never seen my Ex and Satan in the same room together.
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you know how picasso had to learn the rules of painting before he could break them? that’s why i’m going to law school
Ten things only 90s people remember:
1. 1990
2. 1991
3. 1992
4. 1993
5. 1994
6. 1995
7. 1996
8. 1997
9. 1998
10. That sound the modems made
Don’t pretend to be someone you’re not. It will never bring you true happiness or fulfillment. Also, it’s a felony.
Him: That’s a bitter pill to swallow
Her: Well, you did just eat a dishwasher tablet
waiter: any allergies i should know about?
me: uh, peanuts?
waiter: [disappointed] aw i already know that one.
Sorry, I don’t think I can hang out this weekend, my 4-year-old is still telling a joke
People complain a lot about Peeps, but when I really want to eat something slightly toxic and also glittery, they’re the first thing I reach for
Judge: You need supervision.
Me: [Imagines toasting toast at a slightly increased rate with laser eyes] YES! Do it now robed wizard.
[In meeting, puts cap on pen]
Me: Thanks everyone.
Coworker: Oh, also I nee–
Me: No, did you not see me cap my pen? This meeting is over.
This is the tale of Callie who started a service to provide fortune telling and hypnotism while driving people around. As time went on her clairvoyance weakened but her suggestive power grew.
She’s…..
Uber Callie fragile mystic expert at hypnosis
HOW COME YOU NEVER HEAR THUNDER AROUND LIGHTNING BUGS?
i hired a cleaning lady but when she got here she refused to wash me like a dog
What’s the point buying it then?
Her: So when you said you were going to make me happy using just your mouth…
Me: *putting down microphone* BEATBOXING IS A GIFT SARAH
Uber Driver: How was your day?
Me: Pretty good. Just saw Spider-Man.
Uber Driver: How do you know him?
Was watching that new walking dead and it was really good. They ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran fr
Voicemails that say check your email is why I prefer animals.
[first day of zoology class]
me: what fighting style do geese use?
professor: excuse me?
me: pandas use kung fu, what about geese
professor: i don’t think-
me: tae swan do
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
What do you call someone who chews all day?
A train
There’s anxiety and then there’s my 4yo counting to 10 really fast because we’re playing hide and seek and oh my gosh I haven’t found a hiding spot yet
*opens camera app on phone*
*35 cats scurry under the couch*
I knew a guy used to trophy hunt corn. Had a necklace of ears.
Me: Am I the only one you’ve ever slept with?
Wife: Absolutely… the others were at least sevens and there was a TEN OMG!
“Ooh you’ve caught the sun”
Translation: I could make toast by placing bread on your face.
My son just turned an everything bagel into an everywhere bagel.
What happens in Vegas will most likely cost you a fortune in dry cleaning.
When I’m really bored at work I like to write “I’m watching you” on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.
Thank goodness it’s open for most of Octermeber
My favorite way to tell the DJ their music sucks is just yelling at the speaker: “ALEXA NEXT” and then making harsh eye contact with them