Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The glory of fall.

My kid woke up sick and told me he was gonna eat a bunch of junk food since ‘obviously vitamins don’t work’ and I think we should consider his position

Ah, 50s…you just keep on giving.

[medusa’s husband sighing and pulling a wad of snakes out of the shower drain]

Whoever taught my five-year-old daughter how to “air quote,” I need to speak with you privately.

Wife smelled eggs and thought I was bringing her breakfast in bed. How do I tell her it was just me with gas?!

Guys only want one thing and it’s to lick your Himalayan salt lamp when you’re not looking.

Forget about whether or not you have curves, real women have brains.

I was living with this woman for almost 6 years.
Then she noticed.

[Me as a Realtor]

BUYERS: this is a great house, what’s the catch?
ME: Well, it is a bit.. [cant think of the word haunted] ghost encrusted

[on an interview]

Him: What are your bartending qualifications? *sips coffee*

Me: *slides coaster under his mug as he puts it down*

Him: *spits out coffee* Holy shit

confession: when my barber spins me around and hands me a mirror to check the back I just fake it. Who is even that coordinated?

“Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” – crickets (translated)

2 year old runs naked down the street.

“Awwwwwwwwwwwwww.”

I run naked down the street.

“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”

Any minute now the cactuses are just going to start walking around and we’re all going to be like how did we not see this coming

On June 28, 2009 Stephen Hawking threw a party for time-travelers. He announced the party the day after it happened and he said no one came.

We went to Sam’s today to stock up on essentials. When the cashier said, “That’ll be $301.42.” My son whispered, “Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.”

And that’s when I knew all that Catholic school was paying off.

I’m like a candle: I’m cute, I smell nice, and there’s a pretty good chance I’ll set your curtains on fire if left unattended.

Just got nominated for an Oscar for my role as “man surprised his credit card was declined”

Went to back to school night and saw a poem my daughter wrote and she said our house was clean so now she gets cupcakes for dinner.

Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: pass

Officer: have you been drinking?

Me: pass

Officer: You can’t just keep..

Me: pass

I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.

DATE: *looking at dessert menu* are you thinking what i’m thinking
ME: *smiling* let’s say it together
DATE: 1,2,3! ice cream
ME: why does “Open” start with a closed circle and “Closed” start with an open cirrrice cream

I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.

When fans used to race in to get the winners golf ball

ME: *training a street fighter* Show your enemy no quarter.

THEM: It’s an arcade game tournament.

ME: Show your enemy two quarters.

I’ve been to some bad parties, but none so bad that I’ve thought I was at a work meeting.

I tried to explain Pokémon to my 4-year-old.

After hearing myself say it out loud, I’m pretty sure I ruined both of our childhoods.

[spelling bee]

Your word is ‘condescending’

“Can you use it in a sentence?”

Of course I can. Can YOU?

[3 dads circling new neighbor on their bikes]

“im not looking for any trouble”

all three dads in unison: HI NOT LOOKING FOR TROUBLE IM DAD