All I’m saying is, maybe the designers of this statue could have worked a little harder to find an inspiring Rod Serling quote.
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My husband is setting up a new cell phone and listening to him play every single ring and text tone is exactly what I imagine hell is like.
[a robber breaks into my house]
me, to my dog: sic him, boy, sic him
my dog: [coughs into his paw, wipes it on the robber’s face, and then looks at me for approval]
me: not… [rubbing my temples] not like that tho
grateful there’s a whole airline for virgins . i do NOT want them on my flight
What even happened today?
Her: so you’re a teacher? What do you teach?
Me *nervous*: children
Saw a house on zillow with a built-in wine fridge and it’s no longer for sale, so that will always be the one that got away
My neighbor was complaining about my cat pooping in her flower bed but I didn’t have the heart to tell her it’s actually my kids.
Why don’t furniture stores just tell us when they’re NOT having a huge sale?
I’m pretty sure the dude in the stall next to me is giving birth to a Hummer
I started cooking dinner, and my 7yo paused in her playing, gave me a hard side eye, and opened the window in anticipation of smoke. That burn is worse than anything I could do to the food, y’all.
Who died and made you king? Oh the king before you died. Well that makes sen- Oh he was your father. Well then I’m very sorry for your loss.
Dropped a peanut butter cracker and no one came running so of course my first thought was that the dogs had been raptured.
[before cones were invented]
*fistful of ice cream* there has to be a better way
Last night at dusk we were playing outside and my 4yo was pretending to direct traffic as cars went by. A woman rolled down her window and very kindly said “thanks for your help!” and my 4yo, completely seriously goes “you’re welcome. You need to turn on your headlights.”
A lady got off the train so I finished her crossword. Turns out she’d just gone to the toilet and now she’s back and she hates me.
I’m not saying these people are peeing in the ocean, but I’ve been on the beach for 4.5 hours with a bunch of beer drinkers and not one has left my line of sight yet.
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
*learning CPR*
CPR dummy: I have a boyfriend.
Friend is being kicked out of his flat that has a garden because the landlord wants to charge much, much higher rent. Friend has carefully removed every single thing he planted. Landlord: “it’s worth more with all the f***ing plants, how am I meant to get more rent now?!”
1st date
She: I enjoy long walks on the beach.
Me: *nod knowingly* Because you want to lose weight.
50% of modern life is trying to figure out what’s beeping.
Return of the Jedi is not possible without the receipt of the Jedi.
Soundgarden: Black hole sun, won’t you come and wash away the rain
Neil deGrasse Tyson: Literally nothing about that is right
OMG, GODZILLA IS COMING TO ATTACK NEW ENGLAND AND WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE-oh, he said huge blizzard, not lizard… Carry on then.
I have standards. They might be low, but still…..
If you look up the word “not a virgin” in the dictionary, it’s a picture of me wearing a sick leather jacket.
COWORKER RECENTLY OUT OF THE HOSPITAL: i blew a tire on a mountain road and crashed thru the guardrail, rolling end over end down a cliff into a creek. i was trapped for hours upside-down & near death until a man walking his dog found me and called 911
ME: what kind of dog was it
Vladimir Putin seems like the kind of guy who would fake a sneeze and flip the board over when he’s losing at Risk.
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
Siri: Retweet me.