All I’m saying is, maybe the designers of this statue could have worked a little harder to find an inspiring Rod Serling quote.
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The repair guy is showing me broken parts from my dryer, and he might as well be showing my dog a wine list
Tween and me: *arguing*
Husband: God, you two are just like each other.
Tween and me: WHAT’D YOU SAY?
Husband: *jumps out window*
My new erotic novel “Love in the time of autocorrect” will be out soon. Here is a sample
Me: I hate drama.
Also me: Reads all 258 comments on a heated Facebook post thread that is 100 percent not my business.
My son LOVES dogs and is TERRIFIED of them. Which is EXACTLY how I feel about my WIFE.
“Will I live, doctor?”
“Did you post your diagnosis on Facebook?”
“Yes.”
“How many likes?”
“Six.”
“Sent prayers?”
“Four.”
“You’re a goner.”
I’ve gotten to the point in my parenting career where I don’t just vacuum up Legos, I laugh while I do it.
Day 1 of diet:
forgot I was on a diet and had a milkshake and fried chicken. Will try again tomorrow.
The secret society of the bean keepers is called the leguminati.
I would be putting Jesus in my body every night if only he had chosen cookies over bread
CONCERT
AC/DC: Who’s ready to be Thunderstruck?
CROWD: *screams
ME: [from front row] IT’S IMPOSSIBLE TO BE STRUCK BY THUNDER!
I would rather lie there and accept death than try to get out of a hammock while anyone is watching me.
the guy at Subway just put Cheetos on my sandwich. can’t tell if he’s stoned, or he knows that I am
Thanks, baby Jesus, for helping me get that new job instead of helping millions of children find water and food. I know it was a tough call.
there was another, tinier cement truck inside
If you ever see me with one of those stick figure family bumper stickers it means I’m dead and someone is wearing my skin
I just saw a man delivering pizza in a Hummer…
I wonder if he is reevaluating some of his life choices right now?
On a dare, my son sprayed deodorant in his mouth. Now he speaks with an Axe scent.
I have 4ish hours to sleep, but instead of doing so I’ll just complain online about how little potential sleep I have left.
I just ran a .003048K
me: my father fought in the war
her: which one?
me: I’ve only got one dad
Still waiting on Gwen Stefani to release a song explaining budgeting.
I was trying to create a wonderful family experience strawberry picking, but there just isn’t enough wine for me to deal with my kids thinking it was funny to smear red strawberries on the back of my white pants.
haha, we all make mistakes. for example, i ate some oysters that i found in the hotel hallway & now i can see my ancestors
Does anyone want a free microwave? Contact me. We can talk about how we both want a free microwave
I learned that when dogs lean against you it’s their version of hugging and now every time my dog leans against me my eyes start leaking.
Shout out to hotel maids changing sheets on February 15th.
Banana boats are powered by bananas. Everyone knows this.
ok here’s the deal. Yes it was dumb of NASA to ask Sally Ride if she needed 100 tampons for a 7-day mission, but I would have said “Actually I need 250” because that’s free tampons from the government, babbbbyyy.
I’m against the marriage of anyone whose first instinct is to film and then show the world their elaborate proposal.