All I’m saying is never ask a bald man if he remembers something off the top of his head.
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dad: snapping a pic of your grandma in her coffin is weird
me: it’s socially acceptable these days
dad: just hurry up so we can put her back in the ground
[dinner negotiations]
Wife: where do you want to go to eat?
Me: ugh
Wife:
Me: you pick
Wife: I’m craving kale
Me: I’ll pick
*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*
Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate
I’m the neighbor
sweet dreams💖
Flex on your dentist by asking if they’re free on a random Tuesday 6 months from now
Just dropped a butcher knife in the kitchen and apparently I can fly now. So that’s cool.
[at work]
CW: Hey, I found your Twi…
Me: *jumps out window*
CW: …Twinkies.
Nurse: we need to draw some blood
Me with a fine arts degree: *hastily reaches into backpack* i saved my good marker for this
Quit calling yourself an agent of chaos, you’re 50.
“Vintage designer purses are not a retirement plan,” says my accountant while rubbing his temples.
facebook is down where are we gonna keep all of our faces
[planning heist]
leader: the security guard will take his break from 3:15 to 3:30 so that’s when you will-[notices my disapproving expression] what?
me: that’s when I take my break too tho
developing a crush on a writer is like oh great now i got all this reading homework
Him: This is the best sand castle I’ve ever built!
Her: We’re gonna die in this desert aren’t we?
[after divorce]
I think I still know…
*puts on shark tooth necklace*
…what women want.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
duck: quack?
me:
duck: quack?
me: no
duck: …quistal meth?
The first sin in the Bible was eating an apple. The second was murder. That escalated quickly.
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: OH NO
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
Just unlocked a memory of when I was in college and I was in Cabo with a guy I was seeing & he made me FaceTime my surgeon brother about the fact that his feet were swollen & my brother talked him through it then texted me after “do NOT give me a useless brother in law”
Parents. Top tip for getting to school on time. Go without them.
[doctors exam]
“I’m feeling a lump here. Here’s another. You have several lumps.”
-uh oh, what does that mean doc?
“it means you’re fat”
cake decorator: do you want an exclamation point after “happy birthday”?
me: no, my son wanted more of a somber motif for his sixth birthday
Me: I’m nervous about dinner with your parents.
Wife: Why?
Me: I never know what to say.
Wife: Just be yourself. Say whatever is in your heart.
Me at dinner table: I hate all of you.
Realtor: this house is cursed
Me: *scared of the supernatural* oh no
Realtor: WITH AN EXTREMLY REASONABLE MARKET PRICE
Me: oh ok
Realtor: on account of the bleeding walls and ritual sacrifices
Me: Oh No
Ughhhh my neck is killing me ..
*how I slept
“Are you religious?”
Bro I don’t even believe in myself
My neighbor just told me “I’m going on a date with a new guy tonight. I think he’s in a cult. Still better than the biter.” Every married person should have a single friend who’s still on the apps, the divorce rate would approach zero
Cyber Monday has become too commercialized