All I’m saying is never ask a bald man if he remembers something off the top of his head.
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Remember folks 馃槀
CDC wants to be clear that only weddings should be canceled due to Covid-19, but if you鈥檙e already married then that鈥檚 still going on.
Easy come, Bismillah!
easy go, No, we
will you let will not let
me go? you go
HAPPY NEW YEAR!!! 2026 will be my year!!!
16 year olds can vote in Scotland. That’s ok because they’ve been drinking since they were 9 and understand disillusionment.
I hand-wrote a letter today and now I have the measles and a wood-stove.
The political activism in this country has gotten out of hand. My son is lobbying for equal pay from the tooth fairy after hearing that some kid got $20.
I鈥檓 so scared of shoplifters I immediately shoot anyone who walks into the store. I don鈥檛 even work here.
Sometimes, I think I have had enough personal embarrassment for one lifetime, but then, I’m all like, “No.”
[rises from chair]
NO.
Three primary reasons I lift weights:
1. Vanity
2. Health
3. Lifting any dog breed into the air like a little baby
We鈥檙e quarantined with our laptops and our phones. If they鈥檙e not texting u back, they just don鈥檛 want to
Why do people say they tried calling me? No, you did, in fact, succeed in calling. I just didn’t answer.
I sleep with a squirt gun under my pillow just in case a gang of cats break in while I’m sleeping.
Not sure which is more mortifying, the dog bringing your dirty panties to the repairman or the repairman balling them up and throwing them for her.
Me: Want to see me do The Robot?
Friend: Sure.
Me:
Friend: Why aren’t you moving?
Me: Updating software.
I forgot to pack my perfume, but happened upon some air freshener. Judging by the compliments I’ve gotten, I’m wearing Air Wick from now on.
A friend handed my 7yo a coloring page as a gift, and my kid looked at it and muttered jesus christ. So I thought oh no I better watch how I talk around him, then he flipped it over and showed me…baby jesus
She said we needed to talk and…
I said, “Yeah, I think we should break up, too.”
She said, “About where to eat.”
“Oh,” I said, “Pizza?”
For an extra ten bucks Lyft will pick you up in a black SUV but I’ll go as high as $30 if I can ride to work in a taco truck.
I meant to tell a flight attendant I needed a lavatory but I said laboratory instead, and that鈥檚 how I got strip searched at 35K feet.
gonna boost my morale by cracking jokes in front of my juniors
still the best tweet of the year by far
will somebody tell my friend its spelled “gif” not “gf” and its not special that he has one, i have like 400 on my computer
typing in the same password a third time but more powerfully
video game drill sergeant: alright you worthless puke! try using your WASD keys to walk around the room!
me: [walks around the room]
video game drill sergeant: that is out-standing! you’re one of the finest soldiers ive ever laid my eyes on!
discovering that i’ve become kind of a savant for determining if checked baggage is under the weight limit because 23kg is just a bit under the weight of a full 20L keg. just one of the many positive things beer has given me
What in all holy hell is going on with this box of toilet paper I just got from Amazon
{on first date}
Waitress: HELP! Is there a Doctor in the restaurant?
Date: Aren’t you going to help?
Me: Haha ok well maybe I’m not a Doctor
I was wondering why I wasn’t picking up any chicks recently, but then I realized my Monster energy sticker fell off my car