Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I had to homeschool kids because of the pandemic, recess would be 6 hours long.

Cashier: How are you today?

Me: You too.

🤦🏻‍♂️

Before cell phones and texting, I used to get pulled over a lot for playing solitaire with a physical deck of cards while I was driving

Me: I have shark like reflexes

“Don’t you mean cat like reflexes”

Me: NO!
*i charge*
*he bops me on the nose*
*I run away*

Hey u should give your secret boss this Coke. *bottle says “Share a Coke w/ the Drug Maker Guy”* *undercover cop’s fake mustache falls off*

Imagine you’re fine, minding your own business and then someone offers you a 50$ gift card and you end up spending 400$

Shout out to Pringles for admitting they’re addictive, unlike cigarettes and heroin the two biggest liars of the snack industry.

People always ask Jesus to take the wheel but there were no cars back then so how good a driver can he really be

Me When I’m Sick: *very careful not to cough around my kids, tries to wipe down the surfaces I touch, don’t share food with them etc*

My Kids When They Are Sick: *sneezes directly into my mouth*

I have a magnetic* personality

*Clingy and obsessive.

[restaurant]

me: may I clear your plates?
customer: thanks
me: *sits down to finish their fries*

I’m going to start the new year with some spring cleaning. It won’t take long because I don’t own many springs.

Always the kidnapper, never the kidnapped

cop: you were driving 30 mph under the speed limit

me: my in-laws are staying with us for a while, longer the commute the better

cop: you need to maintain the speed limit

me: *knocks book out of cops hands*

cop: are you trying to get arrested

me: yes please

I give my stoner friends fruitcake for Christmas just so I can imagine them hating me a little while they can’t help eating it.

If you let me be president, I will just straight up tell you if aliens exist.

Hello, I’m a professor in a movie, I only reach the main point of my lecture right as class is ending. Then I yell at students about the reading / homework as they leave.

Hear me out. A special line at the airport for people who understand the concept “empty your pockets”

[call]

MOM: please be safe in the snowstorm.

ME: idgaf about snow i’m a gangster.

MOM: what?

ME: i said thanks for calling i love you.

When faced with a dilemma, I just whisper softly to myself

” What would Homer Simpson do?”

i’m a pretty resilient person unless something hard is happening

[dating site message]
So is that blank silhouette in your profile a recent blank silhouette?

13 just put on deodorant without being told so he must have a girlfriend now

A lizard fell on my hand as I opening the window… now I have to explain why there was a young lady screaming in my room 👀

[Drives date home]
ME [stops and revs engine sexily] I had a great time tonight

DATE: [climbs off my lawnmower] I did not

I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.

horse: [driving in a car past people in a field] PEOPLE!

My pessimism has never failed me, but I’m sure someday it will.

Lol.