All I’m saying is never ask a bald man if he remembers something off the top of his head.
You Might Also Like
ME: [outlining corpse] I need other chalk
CHIEF: Just use white
M: Permission to speak freely
C: Go on
M: How can I draw the hair w/o yellow
Surprise them all by pulling a sword on your maid of honor.
Me, passing on the wisdom of my ancestors to my kids: It’s “righty tighty, lefty loosey.”
Hey, people “liking” Walmart on Facebook – you OK?
My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.
[the purge alarm blares in the distance]
ME: *adds a 13th item in the express line at the grocery store*
Protip: If your wife asks you “How lazy can you be?” it’s a rhetorical question.
What the vet said: Your dog is a little dirty.
What I should have said: I’ll do better.
What I actually said: You should see my kids.
ME: I give you all my love and infection.
HIM: Um. Don’t you mean love and ‘affection’?
ME: …
HIM: …
ME: You should get tested.
Teachers at the pre-school ask why I’m in a good mood in the morning…
I’m like, “Duh…did you not see me just leave my kids with you?”
When I order pizza online, in the “Special Instructions for the Driver” box, I put “Tell me I’m a pretty princess”.
And they do.
And I am.
Don’t be mean to people. With the way the economy is going, you might have to eat those people and your anger is just going to make their meat all stressed out and stringy. Choose love.
On average most people gain 7 pounds during the holiday season. So, looks like I’m way ahead of schedule.
I have, a really beautiful body
under my floor boards
Deer are just ballerina dogs
Skills
I went to a wildlife rehabilitation center today and none of the animals were still doing drugs. A massive success!
For years I thought the ghost in my house was trying to scare me, turns out he was just booing my awful jokes
Dads have to rest their eyes in the living room cause they see all the injustice in the world.
Much as I like Guardians of the Galaxy, in real life, I don’t think it’s a good idea to give a gun to a raccoon.
If you don’t think monkeys are adorable, then you can suck macaque.
Well this pretty much sums up 2020.
If dolphins are so smart how come I managed to trick one into investing all its savings in my phoney pyramid scheme?
Astronaut: I never loved you
Me: how could you say that?
Astronaut: it’s the truth
Me: no I mean like, sound doesn’t travel in a vacuum
I work out just enough so I can still chase the ice cream truck.
Does my family really expect me to express my love for them on Valentine’s Day when we’ve been trapped together for months??
COUPLE: *rides off into the sunset*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: nope
PSA: wild animals do not know to look away from the eclipse. Bring all them inside during it. Birds, raccoons, fox..all of em
ROBBER: is this all the cash?
CASHIER: yes but would you like to donate $1 to charity
ROBBER [tears welling up inside his ski mask]: ok
If you see a porcupine in your yard, that’s my cat and we’re not done with our accupuncture session.