All I’m saying is never trust a towel that’s not hanging in it’s normal place when you get out of the shower…

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My husband said he needed his shirt ironed, so like a good wife, I brought him the iron and he asked for the ironing board too. We have an ironing board?


To catch a grandpa, you must THINK like a grandpa *eats butterscotch candy, clicks on obvious spam email*


Me: “Can I put this sweatshirt in the dryer?”
Wife: “Well, what does it say on it?”
Me: “Buffalo Sabres.”
Wife: “You’re an idiot”


In the middle of an argument, begin calmly folding a blanket if you want the other person to go truly ballistic


Nut allergies are proof that trees are taking their revenge after generations of us stealing their young.


My biggest fear is dying alone.
Not really stoked to die with people either.
You know, dying in general doesn’t exactly sound like pancakes.


I’m never more aware of a room’s acoustics than when I’m trying to enjoy a snack I have no intention of sharing.


I’m that guy who plays Pictionary and draws the shittiest representation of the clue and spends the entire time circling it at various speed