All I’m saying is never trust a towel that’s not hanging in it’s normal place when you get out of the shower…
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Me: *on the phone with my parents* So mom, what did the doctor say?
2: *from across the room* no more monkeys jumping on the bed!
Otters drive ottermobiles.
I always wondered how Neapolitan ice cream was made…
Goodnight moon. Goodnight cow jumping over the moon. Goodnight space cow preventing other cows from clearing the moon. Goodnight ketamine.
[ 25 years after my dad went to the store for smokes ]
Me: why did you abandon us?
Him: sorry. I went to CVS and the receipt just finished printing.
Crazy how holidays change as you get older. Like almost nobody wants to unwrap teeth for Christmas anymore
i thought lingerie was a type of noodle
ME: Alexa, am I drunk?
TUBE OF PRINGLES:
Silence is golden. Unless they’re in the shower and you can’t find their phone.
In that case, silence is very very suspicious!
is frankincense just very honest incense?
Eating just one animal cracker is impossible. The entire herd must go.
I wouldn’t say I’m fragile, but I am always about three drinks away from grabbing the scissors and chopping off all my hair.
All I said is that I didn’t know whether we were a Marvel or DC family and my husband and kids locked me out of the house.
doc: “your dad’s been in a coma for 9 days, we’re running out of ideas”
me: “let me try” [goes to adjust thermostat]
dad: [opens one eye]
God: you have terrible eyesight.
Bat: oh no.
God: don’t worry I’ve got a pretty great solution for you.
Bat: sweet!
God: you scream, fly in that direction while you try not to crash into a wall.
Bat:
God:
Bat: I thought you were gonna say glasses or something.
I’ve been a single mom for over a year and have not experienced my meet cute for my future husband in the grocery store…wtf
[skydiving, first jump]
INSTRUCTOR: everyone ready?
EAGLE: yes.
HAWK: check.
SPARROW: ready.
PENGUIN: this is a really bad idea.
The minute the pilot asked me for “a lil’ help?” spinning one of the plane’s front propellers, I knew I was a little too thrifty planning the family vacation.
Sequel to Cats (2019) called 2 Cats 2 Curious
Met a guy who said he worked for Deloitte, just moved back from Istanbul office, so, naturally, I barked ‘Turkish Deloitte!’ Nothing. I said: ‘you probably get that a lot’ and he just said not really. Beginning to worry I’m not good at small talk.
[ Dracula opens freezer ]
Her: What are you doing with my tampons?
Dracula: Making popsicles
Most of you didn’t even question if turtles would make great ninjas. You just believed it. I should’ve known then we’d end up where we are.
why do people say “i better sleep on it” when it’s like a serious thing they need to think about? i have dreams where i eat a tomato full of bees. how is that supposed to help my life choices?
[sitting at bar next to cute woman]
You remind me of my late wife.
“Oh I’m so sorry.”
Don’t be, *looks across restaurant* there she is now.
“This is mine”, he growled passionately into her ear. “Are we clear?”
Breathlessly, she agreed. She wouldn’t try to eat his nachos again.
Stealing the candy is not the issue here. The real issue is why are you feeding your baby candy.
You can learn a lot about your kids by simply turning off the TV and talking. For example I discovered that mine are really boring.
the top three reasons people break up:
-cheating
-fights about money
-incompatible peanut butter types
Just realized telling moms we have a lice scare gets me out of everything and I wish I’d thought of this earlier in my parenting journey.
Women and electronics aren’t very similar until they both freak out on you for throwing water on them while they’re in “sleep mode”.