@TheBoydP

All I’m saying is never trust a towel that’s not hanging in it’s normal place when you get out of the shower…

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@skittle624

My husband said he needed his shirt ironed, so like a good wife, I brought him the iron and he asked for the ironing board too. We have an ironing board?

@longwall26

To catch a grandpa, you must THINK like a grandpa *eats butterscotch candy, clicks on obvious spam email*

@KevinBuffalo

Me: “Can I put this sweatshirt in the dryer?”
Wife: “Well, what does it say on it?”
Me: “Buffalo Sabres.”
Wife: “You’re an idiot”

@warmyellowlight

In the middle of an argument, begin calmly folding a blanket if you want the other person to go truly ballistic

@McGrumpenstein

Nut allergies are proof that trees are taking their revenge after generations of us stealing their young.

@daneZie

My biggest fear is dying alone.
Not really stoked to die with people either.
You know, dying in general doesn’t exactly sound like pancakes.

@sip_at_home_mom

I’m never more aware of a room’s acoustics than when I’m trying to enjoy a snack I have no intention of sharing.

@Mr_Kapowski

I’m that guy who plays Pictionary and draws the shittiest representation of the clue and spends the entire time circling it at various speed