All I’m saying is no one ever country westerns you like a hurricane.
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[plastic surgeon holds mirror up to my face]
ME: What happened!? I’m a monster!
DOCTOR: We had to postpone your surgery.
Find yourself a partner who’ll sneak out of bathroom windows with you at holiday parties.
No one lies to themself more than the person that says they’ll do the dishes after they “relax for a little bit”.
Cop: why were you speeding
Me: Out of POLITENESS to the car behind me
4th Wiseman: I’ll just get him a gift card.
last time i gave my number to a girl from a dating app like 3 texts in i asked her to call in a bomb threat to my job so i could go home and she never replied so i’ve just been kinda takin a break from that for a while
At McDonalds looking at the menu through opera binoculars.
I’d like to speak to America’s manager.
“What do you like to do in your free time?”
Golf.
“Oh that’s cool. When’s the last time you played?”
8 years ago.
4-year-old: Are hot dogs made from real dogs?
Me: Would you eat them if they were?
4: No!
Me:
4: Unless I had ketchup.
me [after losing a rap battle]: I should have worn a hat
friend: yeah he really locked in on your side pony
I have a very large selection of hand sanitizers
Me, flirting
You know what….. my ex should’ve kept me blocked
[high school]
Teacher: do u have your homework?
Ryan Lochte: I was murdered last night
Maybe mama duck isn’t leading her babies, maybe she’s trying to outrun them.
If you like constant interruptions when you’re [no you can’t have a snack] trying to get something done, then parenting [leave the cat alone] might be for you.
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
Wife: “No.”
*takes pants off*
*tries on another pair in The Gap change room*
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
“There are enough donuts here to last a lifetime!” thought Jerome, his nose twitching with excitement. Three hours later, he found himself sprawled on his back in a shallow puddle of milk at the bottom of the bowl, staring at the ceiling, feeling overwhelmed by shame and regret.
Rest in peace. That doesn’t sound that bad. It’s not like you die and then you have to run a marathon
Ebola has been in the US for 1 day and people are already wearing masks. AIDS has been here for 55 years and fools still don’t use a condom
I only need to lose 30 pounds by the end of the year to hit my resolution to lose 20 pounds
I’d say go to hell, but I don’t want to see you again.
The cat acts like I’m interfering as she plays with a toy but that’s my phone charger!
“Jesus take the wheel!” I shout, but Jesus decided to pop out of the sunroof firing a machine gun at our pursuers instead.
Cop: What happened?
Me: A Smart Car hit one of those little Fiats.
Cop: Can you describe the accident.
Me: Adorable?
I had to delete Facebook because I liked too many pictures of dogs yesterday and now the newsfeed algorithm thinks I care about those people
Hell hath no fury like a woman who found out you used her face towel as a hand towel
Me: *Sitting in traffic*
Cop: Get back in your car
If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. There’s nothing more endearing than happy people applauding themselves.
#SexEdWontTeachYou how to deal with idiots…
