@_salt_n_lime

All I’m saying is no one had the coronavirus when people were eating Tide Pods.

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@Shade510

Me: Whoa…What are you doing?

Wife: I’m donating some of your books…They’re just taking up space.

Me: You don’t get rid of books…besides half of those aren’t even colored yet.

Her:

@geowizzacist

*Takes our kid away so my wife can have a break*

*Takes kid to pub*

*Bumps into wife at pub*

@Fickle_Filly

Ain’t no mountain high enough

Ain’t no valley low enough

Ain’t no high-security psychiatric hospital strong enough

To keep me from yooou

@tsm560

Numbers don’t mean anything to me. I’m here for the deep abiding friendships with people who haven’t blocked me yet

@mommajessiec

Me: “Guys, we are leaving in 5 minutes.”

7yo: “Do I need to wear shoes?”

Me: “Yes.”

[4 minutes later]

7yo: “What about pants?”

@thenatewolf

*Shoves a guy*

I think you mean the SECOND biggest “The Sound of Music” fan on earth, bro.

@lynnbixenspan

I forget, are you supposed to be happy when you see their exes are ugly, or worried that you might be ugly too?

@SaraESpivey

After I orgasm, I yell “Aaaaand scene.” Then I push him off me, throw him his clothes while holding the door open& say “Ummm. We’ll call u.”

@sarabellab123

Worst ways to die

1. Burned alive
2. Suffocate
3. Die from frustration teaching your child to blow their nose