Me: Whoa…What are you doing?
Wife: I’m donating some of your books…They’re just taking up space.
Me: You don’t get rid of books…besides half of those aren’t even colored yet.
All I’m saying is no one had the coronavirus when people were eating Tide Pods.
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*Takes our kid away so my wife can have a break*
*Takes kid to pub*
*Bumps into wife at pub*
Ain’t no mountain high enough
Ain’t no valley low enough
Ain’t no high-security psychiatric hospital strong enough
To keep me from yooou
Numbers don’t mean anything to me. I’m here for the deep abiding friendships with people who haven’t blocked me yet
Me: “Guys, we are leaving in 5 minutes.”
7yo: “Do I need to wear shoes?”
[4 minutes later]
7yo: “What about pants?”
*Shoves a guy*
I think you mean the SECOND biggest “The Sound of Music” fan on earth, bro.
I forget, are you supposed to be happy when you see their exes are ugly, or worried that you might be ugly too?
After I orgasm, I yell “Aaaaand scene.” Then I push him off me, throw him his clothes while holding the door open& say “Ummm. We’ll call u.”
Worst ways to die
1. Burned alive
3. Die from frustration teaching your child to blow their nose
I used to think paramedics were ghost doctors.