All I’m saying is, no word’s meaning changes more as you age than the word party.
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Me: you are chewing your food too slow son
Kid: am doing it faster in my imagination
Me: try faster in real too
Kid: it tastes better in my imagination
Text to Hubs:
If it’s not too much trouble can you get me a bottle of wine and a fuzzy blanket?Hubs:
You’re literally sitting next to me.
if you believe in the butterfly effect, then you know that people who react slowly to green lights are responsible for everything.
Thursday Thought.
[Ninja Dojo]
Me: Sensei, how will I know when I am ready?
Sensei: When you are seen no more than your selfies on IG, then you will be ninja.
Wife: We are lost
Me: *driving a Nissan Pathfinder* LOL I think we’ll be fine
If I were a Scooby Doo villain, I’d take the whole thing to court. How hard can it be to overturn the testimony of 4 kids who talk to a dog?
EVERYBODY SHUT UP the plane they use to fly the horses from all over the world to the Olympics for the equestrian events is called AIR HORSE ONE
Wait, what’s that noise?
Is there a dying cat outside?
Oh…no…it’s just a 50 yr old man racing a remote control car down the road.
Shaggy and the gang are out there trying to discredit demons all while hanging out with a talking dog. My dudes, that IS a demon
They say women only use 10% of their anger
It’s only August and I’m already tired of watering my plants. Makes me wonder how my daughter has lasted 18 years.
Please refrain from telling elderly election volunteers to “work that poll”.
It’s called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.
The best revenge is living well unless you have a crossbow.
Your personality finally matches your looks. That’s not a compliment.
[flicks cigarette out window]
submarine captain: you fool!
A couple introduced me to their new born baby, “Herriot,” and I was like oh wow how old is she, 87?
Tip from my mom:
Always wear your bathrobe when at home.
Then if somebody stops by unexpectedly you’re “just about to hop in the shower”.
To whomever keeps trying to access my Microsoft Office account:
Bro, I don’t even wanna be in there.
Jews name their children after their deceased loved ones. This is my son, Healthy Sleep Pattern. He was born on January 21st, 2017.
me: [tries to write “perfect”]
my phone’s swipe function: clearly you meant “prefect” since you often discuss student hierarchies in british boarding schools
Toddler: I have a cute fat belly, you have a fat belly
Me:
need him
Free will was a mistake.
I should have charged for it.
Lot of big talk about using time machines for murder by people who do no murdering at all in the here and now.
Pat is about to own someone
ME: cheese omelette
WAITER: chicken or Cadbury Creme eggs
ME: hmmm… you know what, surprise me
I formerly apologize to my mother for any and everything that follows that she inevitably won’t approve of. #TheFirstLineInMyAutobiography
taylor swift should write a song about people who don’t return their shopping carts to the corrals