Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[entering room bloody and beaten] yeah well you should see the other guy! not a scratch on him. pristine condition. altogether more pleasing to look at. huge muscles

Dear kangaroos, what’s stopping you from looking like this?

A psychiatrist is just a friend you pay to listen to your problems because your other friends are tired of hearing about them.

Him: It’s like people are going feral.

Me: *looks in mirror*
*tries to run fingers through my hair*
*hand gets stuck in rat’s nest*
*flicks ham off my shirt*
*takes deep breath*
*straightens shoulders*
*lifts chin*

It’s finally my time to shine. I shall be their leader.

Whenever I see a dog in a movie, none of the rest of the movie makes sense.
Why are you dealing with all this conflict and drama?
WHY AREN’T YOU AT HOME WITH YOUR DOG??

“Oh, no, you don’t have any scratch paper?”
“Yeah, looks like we ran out.”
“I’ve been using that paper to take notes. I go through a stack of it every day. How did you run out?”
“That’s a mystery we may never be able to solve.”

Picking up some anvils, tunnel paint, and dynamite balloons

Once I was in an elevator w/ 5 strangers & a lady ran up at the last second. Instead of helping her, we all watched the doors close. I said, “Good. I never liked her” to what I thought would be big laughs. Nope. As I rode 10 floors in thick silence, they shut me out even harder

If my husband bought a creepy, decrepit house in the middle of nowhere to give us a “fresh start” and the evil spirit inhabiting it tried to possess me, he’d never hear the end of it.

Q: What isn’t yours after you lick it?
A: Envelope

Me: *cutting fingernails*

Man next to me on bus: please stop cutting my nails

Me: hold on are you—

roommate who just painted a Bansky on our kitchen wall:

Me:—Bob Ross?

watch only the first and last episodes of How I Met Your Mother. you’re welcome

I can’t be the only person who thinks the presidential debate should be performed as a rap battle.

[trial in gotham]

lawyer: please state your name for the court

bruce wayne: batman

lawyer:

judge:

jury:

bruce wayne: wait shit no

[bday party]
Mum: happy birthday son
Me: wow that’s a huge cake!
Mum: its full of bees
Me: what
Mum [backing away]: I said it’s cream cheese

One of my biggest fears is going to America and asking for a biscuit only to be presented with some weird scone type thing and gravy

I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.

The glory of fall.

Spring love is in the air!

*sprays repellent*

My 9yo on Shark Tank:

“It’s a shirt, but look, it’s also a napkin!”

Long story short, I accidentally left the cat in the refrigerator.

I was nerding out to a friend over something Harry Potter related in the pub and now the bartender keeps asking me “what can I get you, Gryffindork?”

*bird watching*

Me: “Is that a Dark Blue Wrangler up there in that tree?”

Friend: “A Dark Blue Warbler? Never even heard of that. Where?”

*I point to where I saw it, but it’s too late. The pair of jeans has already been spooked, and majestically flies off into the sunset.*

My husband is playing Super Mario Bros with our sons and one of them is having a MAJOR tantrum. Sadly, it’s my husband.

You are the wind beneath my overly-sensitive, motion-activated floodlight.

I’m not ever going back to a class reunion again, last time there were just a bunch of old people there.

You can keep your damn ferrets
And your dumb fancy rats
He’s got no time for goldfish
And far less for cats
Snakes are for weirdos
As are lizards and frogs
For him there’s only one choice