All I’m saying is, no word’s meaning changes more as you age than the word party.
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Serial killers are updating their check list now for dumping bodies:
1) will this location be discovered by Pokémon players?
2) do I care?
7 year old: two of the boys at school were executed for fighting
me: you mean ‘expelled’?
7 year old: I’m pretty sure about this one, dad
Growing up was a huge mistake
It rubs the lotion on its skin and struggles with the doorknobs again.
I’m 20, my face is 18, my voice is 16, my back is 60 🥲.
Kid 1: Why’d you call me Aphrodite?
“After the Greek goddess of love”
Kid 2: What about me pop?
“You’re named after a famous chipmunk Alvin”
14 is giving me a lecture about one of his video games. Pretty sure I’m gonna fail. His lectures are long, boring, make no sense, and I don’t see how I’ll ever use this in the real world.
Started to watch Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny and I saw the warning that it contains tobacco depictions so I threw my TV in the street. Not in this household.
I’m ‘confuses systems of measurement’ centimetres old.
what’s the medical term for a female-to-male gender reassignment surgery? an addadictomy
For the first time ever, my teen texted me a grateful, loving, appreciative text! … quickly followed by:
“sry that wsnt for u”
Adrenaline Junky:
*Almost falls to certain death*
WHAT A RUSH!!Me:
*Almost drops grilled cheese sandwich*
SAMESIES!!
it’s the cirrrrrrrrrrrrrcle of liiiiife
My son told me I’m not fat I’m just almost fat and that honestly made me feel really good
“It’s your father; he’s been hitting the sauce pretty hard.”
*My father stumbles in with hollandaise in a highball glass* wassssssup!
It’s NOT day drinking if you didn’t sleep the night before, mother.
One minute you’re 18 years old and in the mosh pit at a Black Sabbath concert and the next you’re ordering compression socks off of Amazon.
Why is burning a bridge viewed as a bad thing? I mean what if a clown is chasing you?
I bought a Mr. Microphone at a garage sale. Now I’m driving around yelling at bad drivers.
Best 25¢ I’ve ever spent.
I keep checking my bank account like a hungry person checking an empty refrigerator. Neither one is going to magically be full.
The secret society of the bean keepers is called the leguminati.
I would have suggested they just use a regular volleyball, but I guess the Olympics are special.
First day of gondolier training:
You mean I have to stand…STAND on the tip of this boat ALL day rowing with one oar?
Singing. You have to sing.
Sing?! How could this job be any worse?
Wait, let me get your costume.
Drank enough whiskey to talk the husband into a Titanic reenactment. He’s laying in the snow and I won’t share the picnic table with him.
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
doc: the bad news is your insurance is terrible
me: what’s the good news
doc: you won’t need it for long
…a dentist on a toothpaste commercial with stethoscope around neck…, if my dentist started to listen to my heart I would freak out.
*Secretly hands your kid a Sharpie*
“So tell me more about that homemade all-natural organic cleanser.”
Aggressively singing “This Is How We Do It” while putting my husband’s clothes in the hamper instead of the floor.