Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I’m not watching that movie. It got 3 stars.

Also me: *watches the roomba chase down a dorito for 45 minutes*

[bursts in carrying 50 inch TV]

me: honey look, this was on sale for $279!

wife: oooooooohhhhhhh

midwife: that’s it keep pushing

if you watch Titanic from d back; it’s about dead people resurrecting from the sea, pulling up a ship fixing it and sailing to England

Harry: so a time turner turns back time

Dumbledore: yes

Harry: to, say, stop two murders

Dumbledore:

Harry: hello

Dumbledore [loudly chewing jelly beans]: crazy how Pluto isn’t a planet anymore lol

*Passing a note to a co-worker* can you trip me when I walk by so I have to go home? Circle yes or no.

My daughter has decided singing happy birthday to her is punishable by death

Maternity confirmed

I had to ban two of my kids from being in the same room together.

Somehow, they still caused problems, so I sent them to different floors of the house.

Then I made one go outside and one stay inside.

For the next step, I’ll have to banish them both to different states.

She’s a cosmetologist, bro. Astronaut stuff.

Me: *just finished watching Shark Week* Did you know sharks have to swim continuously or they’ll die?

Wife: Yes. Everyone knows that.

Me: It’s kinda like you, but with talking. LOL

Wife:

Me: OMG! Say something!

Genie: So let me get this straight, your first wish was for your cat to talk?
Me: yes.
Genie: and then your second wish was he couldn’t talk anymore?
Me: He was mean to me.
Genie: And now your third wish is he can talk again?
Me: I just thought of a great come back!

My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.

I hurt my back making tater tots. The directions said bake 16 minutes and flip halfway.

I saw an identical tweet of my joke! It was posted months before mine, so he’s worse than a tweet thief; he’s a time-travelling tweet thief!

After the hipster got his girl pregnant, he wouldn’t shut up about how he was into her before she got big.

Me: what is my final challenge

*dragon appears*

Me: oh no

Dragon: spell necessary

Me: OH NO

Don’t hate the game, hate the player who keeps sending you Facebook invites to play the game.

Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.

#SexEdWontTeachYou how to deal with idiots…

I would throw myself under a duvet for you.

The pot called the kettle black. The pot is silver…………we now have a situation in the kitchen.

Me: “Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.”

Friends: “No thanks.”

Enemies: “Also no thanks.”

The shortest distance between two points is over a cyclist.

~Australian drivers, apparently.

I have eaten
a roll
of toilet
paper

and cut open
all of
my kitchen
appliances

forgive me
I really thought
they were
cakes

Next time a man invites me to his house without getting to know me, I’m going to go but I’m going to steal his microwave plate. Like straight up take that shit.

Every country has a wafer cookie, and every country thinks they invented it

Spice up your boring roofing job by wearing roller skates.

(Job Interview)

Interviewer: So, tell me about yourself.
Me: I’m unemployed.
I: How about something personal?
Me: Personally I need a job.

The cool thing about ignoring a notification is being surprised to see it over and over again

Instead of going to see Godzilla vs Kong I’ll just ask two of my kids to do a project together.

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