All I’m saying is nothing feels better than using a decorative towel.
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thinking about my old neighbor that named their WiFi “your arms too short to box with god” and my other neighbor that named their WiFi “super long god boxing arms”
[cocktail party]
BARTENDER: *pointing at me* Mai Tai?
ME: no, it’s mine…it came with the suit.
Really discouraging that there’s still bald people in sci fi movies.
Jumping through hoops makes it sound too easy.
It should be something…more like…trudging through quicksand on 2 hours of sleep with a sinus infection.
Sometimes I dream I’m a sherpa. Just sherpa-ing up a large mountain made of cheese.
me: shoot for the moon
astronaut: houston please I need actual coordinates
Sometimes I don’t even know why I bother boiling my underpants.
Well played, super clean sliding glass door I thought I’d left open. Well played.
Me: I need a “personal massager”
Hitachi: No problem, here’s our Magic Wand. Anything else?
Me: You wouldn’t happen to know where I can get a 20-ton industrial crawler excavator would you?
Hitachi: You’re not gonna believe this
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
Him: Everything happens for a reason
Me: Tomorrow is yesterday’s bosom
Him: What
Me: Oh, I thought we were doing a thing where we both say dumb shit
If we just refer to ISIS as “Nickelback” maybe nobody will want to join them
After twenty years, I finally paid off my loan. Please be happy for me.
Friend angrily rolling eyes: I only lent you twenty dollars
[driving]
ME: Can I have some of your fries?
SON: No.
ME: *hits brakes*
[fries go flying]
ME: Now nobody has fries.
[sees people filming a movie] yeah real original. a movie. like that’s never been done before
*Stays in interrogation room after being told I’m free to leave anytime*
-Y’all have excellent wifi here. Can I possibly get more coffee?
I toss and turn in bed all night like a beautiful rotisserie chicken.
Accidentally told the dog she’s my favorite in front of my kids again
me: who wants to eat some sweet cheeks?
wife: for the last time, they’re called cinnamon buns
Thanks for telling me your astrological sign, cause now I know a lot about your personality. Like you are a gullible dummy.
The only time I’m not excited to see a dog when I have drugs on me at the airport
Hey, I may not look like much right now, but believe me, in the morning I’ll look even worse.
“I would absolutely say I’m an introvert!” – Guy screaming to his table full of friends at brunch.
On the first day of Christmas my 2yo gave to me…
A cold that will last all week
Him: I’m trying to scare away a crow with a gun
Me: how…how did a crow get a gun?!
I fell down the stairs earlier but thank god my dogs were there to wag their tails and step on me
Me: can’t I have to go see my therapist
Them: you’ve got to stop calling your bed that
I accidentally sat on a packet of cheddars today and heard my 4 year old niece say “oh no, my cheds” faintly from across the room
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
