Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have decided to take a martial arts class to deal with the mall’s aggressive kiosk people.

*CRASH*
*THUMP*
*SCREAM*

*Husband runs into bedroom*

H: OHMYGOD ARE YOU OKAY?

Me: Yeah. Just taking off my sports bra.

The journey of a thousand miles begins with stealing your neighbor’s car

There’s no “k” in team either. This is fun. What other letters aren’t in team?

me: there’s a fly in my soup

waiter: quite sorry, we’ll get you another at once

me: no, just the one is enough

There’s no such thing as Sasquatch

Those are just men who live with shedding cats

Our son attempted to explain to his little sister why his mom and I are married, so he told her, “Daddy was the only boy who liked mommy!”

Don’t say you want a girl who’s “funny and spontaneous” if you’re gonna panic when I knock on your window late at night, dressed as a clown.

its prettey gutsy that u call urself a salad, potato salad

Nobody has worn an adult diaper to drive across the country to confront a rival for my affections. What bullshit is this?

*flashes smile*

*smile calls police*

Your cat doesn’t love you. If it were bigger it would eat you.

I never understood how Scooby and Shaggy could be convinced to do something they didn’t want to do with just a Scooby Snack until my wife said she’d make me a cheese platter if I cleaned out my closet.

Remember, smoking doesn’t kill people. People who are trying to quit smoking kill people.

[Shopping]
Him: Those cans aren’t dented, right? I don’t want botulism.
Me: Don’t worry. The arsenic I put in your food will balance it out.

*sends epic tweet*

[no likes 3 hours later]

*waits 2 weeks, sends again*

[no likes 1 day later]

*starts typing*

NSA: dude, let it go

Just killed a spider IN MY BED!! So if you need me, I’ll be burning down my home and looking for a new place to live.

KID: I don’t need a coat
ME: baby, it’s cold outside
KID: I don’t think it’s cold
ME: it really is cold outside
KID: I will not be cold
ME: I promise it’s cold outside
[twenty more minutes of arguing]
ME: fine let’s just go
KID: daddy it’s cold outside

my mom is yelling at my stepdad over the difference between a pillow sham and a pillowcase and I tell you what if you get the opportunity to move in with your parents as an adult you should loads of fun highly recommend

I have many questions and they all start with what the heck.

[In bed with gf]
“Do you have any fantasies?”
Yeah, one. You know your friend Sarah, the hot one?
“Yes.. why?”
I want to hit her with my car

My son forged my signature on a note from his teacher. I’m his teacher.

[blind date]

Her: so do you go on a lot of dates?

Me: *sucking the gravy from my plate* a lot of first ones.

i once fainted from a paper cut so if jigsaw puts me in a trap that’s a wrap. rip.

COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: are u carrying any drugs
ME: [a mousetrap is in my pocket] i don’t remember but i do consent to a search

We got two inches of snow last night and now I can’t find my Smart Car.

I’m not falling for those “ancestry tests.” If the government wants my DNA they’re going to have to get it the old fashioned way, from underneath the fingernails of a dead drifter I buried in the woods.

[in the bedroom]

Her: *seductively reaches towards my hair*

Me: Babe…don’t touch the bandana

Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.

I give it a month and all of us will have buzz cuts.