All I’m saying is nothing feels better than using a decorative towel.
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Puts myself out there
Puts myself back bc wtfff
I just referred to a toothpick as “one of those stabby things” sooooo no more dateline for me.
Please let me in.. 😂
Sound on
If I was ever asked to be a cheerleader I’d jump at the chants.
My wife: *catches me in bed with a Transformer*
Me: Wait! It’s not what it looks like!
nothing prepares you for when your sweet sensitive gentle eight year old son calls you “bruh” for the first time
[Olive Garden]
Me: *walks in*
Hostess: *hands me shovel* Bury the bodies in the back.
Me: Huh?
Hostess: When you’re here you’re family.
Couldn’t afford a large screen tv this Christmas so I kept my current one but moved the couch 4 foot closer
I haven’t ironed in 17 years, except for that emergency grilled cheese sandwich I made.
Just realized that the baby is almost 20 years old so it’s probably time I stop saying I need to lose the baby weight.
I love Bounty but even I think this is cursed
30-year-old: My knee hurts, but I don’t know why.
Me: Aww, that’s cute. I remember when I thought pain had to have reasons.
ME: …but it’s dairy-free
WIFE: I don’t care, I’m not calling it “peanut margarine”
My young children are currently screaming because they collectively ate the last two bananas in this house and they both want more.
THIS IS BANANARCHY.
snow white’s glass casket was the original snow globe and if you think the dwarves didn’t fill it up with glitter and shake her around in there when they got sad, you’re a fool
That old expression: “hold the phone!” doesn’t work anymore because everyone is already doing that
How many colors and shades is it okay to just call white?
Men: 58
Women: 1
My kid asked me what day of the week it is and I wish she wouldn’t ask me such hard questions
Guy knocking on bathroom door after sex:
I think I love you.Me stringing tampons together, making a rope to climb out the window:
Okay….
I feel like Trump and Hillary are two divorced parents fighting over custody of us but we kinda just wanna go live with grandma.
IDGAF if you’re black, white, yellow, brown or blue.
Well, I do if you’re blue, I’ll stop and give you CPR if you’re blue.
It would be awesome if the Joker movie ended with Batman yelling “Oh HELL no” off camera and swooping in and just beating the absolute shit out of him.”
Don’t move, I know what I’m doing.
*takes a nap
ME: a guy at work broke his jaw and has to eat all his meals through a straw
WIFE: wow that sucks
ME: i know what a straw does linda
With AI we’ve designed an entity that will eventually destroy us but right now we’re just like hey “can you write a poem for my gf?”
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
Dad-confession: it took me two pulls to get the mower started today. No one saw it, but I feel I’ve gotta be honest and accountable to all of you when I fall short.
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
Watching Prosecuting Evil. Annnnddddd every episode so far is within 100 miles of my house. No worries, absolutely no reason to worry.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: attention passengers is anyone here a doctor
PASSENGERS: sorry no
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: um ok then is anyone here a pilot