All I’m saying is nothing is more annoying than people who ask “Why do you let them annoy you?”
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[killer in horror movie suddenly appears]
me: *sighing* ugh I JUST sat down
the other one is “smunchy” which is we stopped making the smooth peanut butter early. i’m close to becoming a smooth peanut butter guy just so i can eat a finished product
MGM lion got me again. nearly threw my popcorn across the room
If you are feeling tired, let someone see you rip the head off a stuffed animal and eat the stuffing, and then you will have lots of time to rest.
Me, starting a diet:
7am: Egg white veggie omelet, fruit
9am: one slice of cake instead of two
I just watched a YouTuber apology video where the lady played a ukulele and said “the only thing I ever groomed was my two Persian cats.”
I like the sound of thunder because there’s always a tiny little chance that my ex will be struck by lightning
My daughter in college texted me and asked where to go to get air in her tires. I told her the gas station and I swear on all that is holy her response was this, “I only have $88 in my bank account. Will it cost more than that?”
Ok so he just makes this face whenever he meets a president I guess
A hearty round of applause for Starbucks, please.
Wife: the library called about an overdue book
*eye my copy of Outlandish Excuses for Everyday Life*
“Tell them I died in the moon wars”
Clitorusaurus: A dinosaur never discovered by man
FRIEND: get our wedding invitation?
ME: i did, somebody hand wrote ‘do not bring pan flute’
F: yea i really wanted to make sure you saw that
This makes total sense…
Tell us a scary story!
Ok kids, gather around
*holds flashlight up to face
And I’ll tell you all that is evil*puts wedding tape in VCR
what all these pyramids be scheming about?
All I’m saying is that just once it’d be nice for the cat to be the one pointing the laser for me to chase.
[second date]
Me: so… is this your first police chase?
When you let grandma cat sit
Every muscle in my back is sore. Hurt it at the gym? Chopping wood? Helping move a refrigerator? Nope. Sneezing.
Me: I think it’s time to get rid of that beard.
Beard: Dude?! I’m like right here!
Me: Yeah, you becoming self-aware is part of the problem.
I’m a perfektionist, this is expozure therappy
I feel like the “how to” book of my life was written in braille…and that shortly after I became an adult, someone clipped off my fingertips with pruning shears.
I just wish I had someone who wanted to touch me as much as my shower curtain does.
{Me as a police trainee}
COP: So whoever killed him—
ME: Or WHATever kil—
COP: Nope. No. That’s not a real thing. WHOever killed him… did it with something sharp.
ME:
COP:
ME: *Quietly to myself* Or someONE sharp.
I’m just a MAN standing in front of a DOOR because I thought it was AUTOMATIC
Out in public, my husband and I only argue using whale sounds, so it’s actually a very calm and soothing experience for people around us.
*A burlap bag is pulled off your head, a bright spotlight is causing you to blink*
WHERE DOES THE ARCHIVED MICROSOFT OUTLOOK EMAIL GO.
In China it’s considered bad luck to be eaten by a lion.