All I’m saying is nothing is more annoying than people who ask “Why do you let them annoy you?”
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DO NOT ATTEMPT TO SURGICALLY CHANGE YOUR SON’S BONES TO STEEL LIKE WOLVERINE. THERE WILL BE A LOT OF QUESTIONS.
A lollipop is like a normal lipop but it laughs a lot.
Sorry.
An unhealthy attraction to traffic cones develops as a result of too many microplastics in your diet and you start driving around looking for road construction just to feel the rush. Hey baby, you block lanes here often?
My husband got our kids to clean their rooms by promising them they could watch him play video games so basically all I need to do to get my kids to eagerly do their chores is become good at Fortnite. Cool
we thought buying an abandoned silo and turning it into a Gamer Silo would be easy, but after most of our computers, consoles, LED lights, streaming equipment, and three guys sank into the grain we realised that this was going to be a real challenge.
“heyyyy you’re on speaker” is code for “please don’t say anything bad about the people i’m with”
*returning snake to the pet store* my hamsters won’t come out of this tunnel
“Would you rather eat a pound of bricks or a matter baby?” he asks.
“What’s a matter baby?” I ask.
I’m shown a newborn so dense the fabric of space-time sags in a deep gravity well; objects within the event horizon are drawn inextricably to it.
“Uhhhhhh… The bricks, I guess?”
*Burns dinner*
Who likes dark meat?
Why are there never any cool side affects from drugs?
Like “this drug may cause severe sexiness”
My 5 yo after I explained the concept of breastfeeding: “can you squeeze Capri Suns outta those things or just milk?”
the rocks need my help
My wife texted me from the bedroom last night saying she ate crackers in bed and she needed help changing the sheets because crumbs were everywhere.
Turns out that was not an excuse to get me in the bedroom for sex. She literally ate crackers like our 4 yo.
*Someone messages me*
I hope your well
And I’m like, you hope my well what?
You hope my well is fine?
You hope my well is providing me with clean water?HOW DO YOU KNOW I HAVE A WELL, WHAT DO YOU HOPE FOR IT & WHY CAN’T YOU FINISH YOUR SENTENCE?
Based on the TV shows I watched as a kid I was expecting a lot more pies to the face by this point in my life.
You overpack for vacation and most of the stuff you don’t even wear, but your clothes need a vacation too. They seem to enjoy it.
It’s like kids can just smell us relaxing.
[arriving at the international space station]
other astronaut: so how are things down there
me: a bit chafed tbh
These customers wanna come in at the most inconvenient times
-me during my whole shift
The last time I had sex, there was a dinosaur in the cave with us.
[Pitching my idea]
HEAD WRITER [sighing] This isn’t just the plot of Ratatouille again, is it?
ME: Excuse me, I do have other ideas[Painfully long pause]
ME: So there’s this badger that loves cooking
[my 17 witnessing my wife and I kissing]
You guys have been married a long time, haven’t you had enough?
me: there are plenty of white rappers
him: …dr seuss
What do best men at weddings in France do?
Making French toasts!
#FrenchToastDay #MondayMorning #RubbishJokes
wife *sees chair* [thinking] That would look great with the new rug in the living room
me *sees chair* [thinking] Chair
Couldn’t find regular eggs so i just bought 3 dozen Cadbury caramel eggs because where there’s a will there’s a way
Got kicked out of reincarnation club for yelling yolo
if i stick just one toe outside my front door somehow it will cost me $40
has anyone maybe thought to check on the mom?
