All I’m saying is once your kid passes first grade you can stop spending $$$ on school pictures. Second grade and up always gets their pictures taken after recess.
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Me, when the vintage convertible nice Mr Megatron at the dealership sold me turns out to be two dead autobots welded together: “I can’t believe this deception! What a con!
… WAAAIT A MINUTE!”
Answering all the ‘how r u’ DM’s with ‘I got my period’ is going surprising well
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
Lambs: “BAAAAAAAAA!!!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhhhh!”
Lambs: “Baaaa!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhh…”
Lambs: “…”
Hannibal Lecter: “Much better.”
“It’s ok. This is normal for her.”
– How my friends explain me to others.
SciFi Future:
Everything beeps and blinks.Actual Future:
How do I make everything stop beeping and blinking?
*drinking water* Ahh, yes. Surely this single glass will reverse what I did to my body this weekend.
hey I just met you
and this is crazy
but I’m going to argue with another stranger in your mentions
for hours maybe
What’s that thing called where every time you stand up you have to limp for the first minute? Oh yeah…39
A werewolf is chasing you. Your life flashes before your eyes: crappy jobs, breakups, Ren fairs. The werewolf gets depressed and goes home.
Me: *Trying to experiment in bed*
Her: *looking up from her book* What’s with the lab coat?
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
DATE: Do you like cats?
ME: *flipping menu* What page are you on?
ME: [with a child on a leash] this is my therapy child.
If you make a simple mistake but fix it right away, what year will your spouse finally let it go?
gettin prety good at makin baloon animals, so far i can make:
– a snake
– worm
– eel
– dog, hot
– 2 snakes
me: can I buy you a drink
girl (who is a teacher): I don’t know, can you?
me (also a teacher): no
*kicks door down*
*realizes its the wrong house*
*leaves*
*comes back with tool bag*
*fixes door*
*apologizes*
Me: You want to see me rip a phone book in half?
Kid: What’s a phone book?
Pilots just fly straight into them clouds init, they don’t even know what’s in them. Could be bricks
1st child: you encourage creativity
2nd child: you encourage independent play
3rd child: you stifle all imagination to avoid a mess.
Co-worker – Diet coke causes cancer.
Me – My grandfather died at 102.
CW- He used to drink diet coke?
Me – No, he minded his own business.
In one class I have a Bella, an Ella, an Eli and an Ellie. Say those names quickly three times in a row and Bloody Mary appears to steal your freshly sharpened pencils.
The best thing about going to my Parents at the weekend is my Mum’s meatloaf.
She can’t do the voice but she looks just like him.
Good questions to ask on a first date:
*Do you have any siblings?
*What was your major in college?
*Is that your original skin?
*Do you think the humans suspect anything?
*Do you prefer eating meat or souls?
*What kind of music do you like?
Etc.
*puts PLEASE SPEAK AS LOUDLY AS POSSIBLE WHEN ORDERING sign on drive-thru*
*watches people scream into the box*
That’ll teach them to get my order wrong.
Animal testing is pointless. We already know they’re animals.
My kid always taking off her shoes like she got abducted mid-step
WEATHERMAN: The fog is extremely dense
FOG: My husband took his secretary with him on a business trip, that’s normal right?
If the sun is so hot how come it’s single