All I’m saying is once your kid passes first grade you can stop spending $$$ on school pictures. Second grade and up always gets their pictures taken after recess.
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Handing the bus driver a $50 bill and telling him “Just drive”.
Apparently the hardest part of exercising is keeping that shit to yourself.
I like my ex’s like I like my coffee…
Ground up and in the freezer
GROCERY CLERK: I’m sorry sir, but we’re out of pumpkins. I hear some people use watermelons instead, would you like one of those?
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: No, that… that’s not going to work for me.
lost dog
The bouncer was kicking me out & I put up my finger for him 2 wait,while I chugged the rest of my drink.All he could say was:
Are U serious?
Her: Stop being so territorial.
Me: *peeing a circle around her* I have no idea what you mean.
me: [yelling at houseplant] I AM NOT AN ALCOHOLIC
wife: I’m over here
Life Tip: If you get a bunch of tattoos people will never ask you to babysit.
Moola better be the only form of currency at a cattle auction.
Remember: You are like a snowflake. Beautiful. Unique. White. Only here for a short time. People get mad when you sit on their cars.
HER: What’s your cell plan?
ME: Bodily decay over decades until inevitable mortal collapse. You?
HER: …
ME: …
HER: … V-Verizon.
UBER: Oh, we’re halfway there
ME: Ok, good
U: Oh oh, we’re living on a prayer
M: What?
U: *driving off cliff* Take my hand
M: Oh god
when a toddler tells a story
I just sent a screen shot of my drunken tweets to my friends & they are still asking if I can come pick them up
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
This guy must be getting annoyed by now
Cop *knocking on door* open up it’s the police!
Me: it’s ok, I haven’t done any crimes
Cop: The fashion police
Me *kicking my crocs off* shit
why are we always standing after being corrected? imma have a seat after this devastating defeat thanks
I finally found the horrific smell in my house. It turns out I have toddlers.
[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag
I hope my teeth enjoy these 3 minutes of minty freshness before their 8-hour coffee bath.
Just spilled water on my laptop so now I’m hanging it out on the clothesline.
While I appreciate that you’re bringing sexy back, if we’re not also discussing who took sexy away, we’re only enabling future sexy problems
INVENTOR OF ELECTRIC BICYCLES: what if an eleven year old could go as fast as cars
Some days you’re just really stupid. 365 to be exact.
How can you call yourself a pervert?
I’ve never seen you at any of the meetings.
Speed Dating
Tell me something about yourself
I have 3 cats
What do u do for fun
I have 3 cats
What are you most proud about
I have 3
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