All I’m saying is once your kid passes first grade you can stop spending $$$ on school pictures. Second grade and up always gets their pictures taken after recess.
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I haven’t worn a bra since the pandemic started
Literally everyone who’s crossed my path in the last 20 months “we KNOW.”
One of my biggest fears is going to America and asking for a biscuit only to be presented with some weird scone type thing and gravy
Sure childbirth can be painful but have you ever tried shaving your knees with a fresh razor?
My nephews were over last night and didn’t give me any tweet material so now I need new nephews.
the scariest thing about jeff bezos is that he is impossible to ratatouille
If all the good ones are taken and you are single, what does that make you?
Bringing in an edit button would deny us glorious tweets like these
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
My husband thinks it’s funny how I have nothing to wear until I pack 4 suitcases for a trip.
Dear people up north: Your weather is down here drunk in my front yard. Please come get it.
Show yourself some self-love.
No. Not in public.
Based on her reaction I don’t think my toddler will ever forgive me for gently wiping her face.
Goldilocks: [on Xanax] you know what? these are all fine
Please refrain from telling elderly election volunteers to “work that poll”.
I love Harry Porter. All of them. Glasses kid. The ginger one. Smart girl. Dolby. The scene when Dumbledort kills Voldermore. Quizzo matches
no one:
not a soul:
my daughter: if I ever get rich I’m going to buy a family crypt for all of us because we don’t want random dead people buried around us
Wife: You’re shirtless?
*nods*
W: And covered in…oil?
-Well, you know how you always say I never glisten?
W: Listen. You never listen.
-Oh
I feel like I should give my air conditioner a plaque for employee of the month.
Why do they call it alcoholics anonymous if you introduce yourself?
What’s the most upsetting moment in every movie? I say it’s when the hero goes into bar and orders “a beer,” never says what kind, and the bartender doesn’t ask
[moving day]
Me: Here we go. Bye house.
Husband: You forgot the kids.
Me: I filled out a change of address card. They’ll find us eventually.
He died doing what he loved, forgetting to put my potato wedges in the bag.
*to woman next to me in yoga*
how do you get the mat to stop curling back up
Auto correct doesn’t work when I use caps lock. My phone is like “woah, better let this dude cool down before I tell him he’s wrong”
Me: I have no choice, there is no other way
*puts voodoo doll of myself on tiny exercise bike*
I’m not saying it was a bad idea to let our 4yo color with markers, but now it looks like our kitchen table was pooped on by a diarrheal unicorn binge-eating fruit loops
Despite my rock and roll lifestyle, I’m pretty sure I’m going to die via punctured gums from a tortilla chip.
the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds
I love telling someone to be careful. Because then if they die, that’s on them