All I’m saying is people who don’t swear are fornicated up emotionally.
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*God creating the rhino*
God: How’d the unicorn thing go?
A: There were problems.
G: What?
A: We got an angry spiked cow.
G: Close enough.
Me: i knew you’d pull through
drug dealer: [passing vitamin gummies] just go to walgreens man
next time i open up to someone is during surgery
Who even thought of soup? Were they like, you know what this perfectly good meal needs? Water.
Got a new stove today and then ordered a pizza because I don’t want to ruin it by getting it dirty or anything.
santa: make me a hundred thousand PlayStations
elf: *holding only a hammer* how
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
[Breaking up]
It’s not you, I’m just trying to focus more on Batman now.
i could never sleep with a man named dunstin. that’s a monkey’s name.
[Ouija board in Starbucks]
“Speak to me spirits”
O M G H A V E U S E E N W H A T K R I S T Y I S W E A R I N G
G R O S S
i bet the first guy to say “smooth as a babies bottom” wasnt the most respected man in the community
‘I want to gossip but professionally.’
– news anchors
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
EXPLORER: so we found all this new land
KING: Sweet What did you name it?
E: Newfoundland
K[rubbing bridge of nose]: Guards, execute him
pir·ou·ette – /ˌpirəˈwet/ (noun)
1) An act of spinning on one foot
2) A tiny gay pirate
It’s my mom’s personal mission in life to save me 20% on all my purchases by clipping out and giving me every coupon known to mankind.
*as girl walks in*
98, 99, *grunts* 100
“Wow, push-ups?”
Uhm, no? Just learning to count.
I have social anxiety but am toxically polite. I faked plans to get out of talking to someone & then invited them to the fake plans.
POV: Your company’s HR director is about to fire you on a Zoom call
I saw a fat kid sitting on a seesaw all by himself. I stopped and waited for another kid to fall from the sky. I left disappointed.
This frozen meal expects me to know what wattage my microwave is like I’m some kind of wizard.
My 9yo misses having a dog so I took her to the dog park. A dog owner came up to me to chat and asked “which one’s yours?”
I pointed to my daughter.
Kylo Ren: I am your father.
Rey: We’re roughly the same age. You’re just copying everything Vader said.
Kylo Ren: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
will i understand 28 days later if i haven’t first seen 28 days
The great thing about having four kids is having four people to watch me bring in the groceries all by myself.
coworker: how was your weekend?
me: sucked, I had to move
coworker: you sold your house?
me: no, my wife made me get off the couch
If sex doesn’t include peanut butter, a live mongoose, and my psychiatrist taking notes then I don’t want it.
[plastic surgeon]
please my credit card it’s very sick
Before you try to convince me that people aren’t really all that dumb let me point out that TikTok has a “no filter” filter
me: can u say da da
baby: ba
me: dada
baby: baba
me: dada
baby: are u really this desperate for validation
me:
baby: ok dada