All I’m saying is people who don’t swear are fornicated up emotionally.
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Mom bod is what happens when you spend too many years cleaning the kids’ plates.
With your tongue.
Justin Timberlake postponing his Buffalo show Sat. & then going on Fallon is like that time I called in sick & tweeted a selfie on a boat.
guy at bar: if u have a problem say it to my face
me: [leaning close] my boss called me lazy
My grandfather came to this country with nothing but the shirt on his back. When he got here, the cops made him put on pants, too.
I just found a spot so sticky on my kitchen floor that it actually pulled my sock off my foot….so yeah living with children is a delight.
Her: When you said you could do magic in bed, this isn’t exactly what I was exp….
Me *holds up the ace of Spades*: Is this your card?
Her: Wow!
The hardest part about raising a centaur baby is having people know you banged a horse.
What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there’s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.
There’s an app for the people who say they’re not seeking some form of validation here. It’s called a diary.
Husband: Um, what are you doing?
Me: My doctor said I should do multiple sets of bagels a day to strengthen my pelvic floor
Husband:…
Me, spitting crumbs: I’m almost certain he said bagels
ME: I got us a penguin!
WIFE: Why would you think I’d want a penguin??
PENGUIN: Maybe not everything is about what you want.
ME: *Points at penguin* That. Yes.
“Listen to your body.” Okay, my body wants to be fat and unemployed.
“Huge”.
When you finally get the courage to get on the scale after avoiding it for a while it’s called “bweighvery.”
Seagulls are when the sea clenches its pelvic floor
Wanna buy something but can’t find it online?
Just text someone about it! Instagram will show you ads the next minute.
Problem solved.
If we’re talking & I start running my nails up & down your arm, I either really like you, or I’m looking for an artery close to the surface.
Mom: *points to my yearbook photo* What a nerd, right?
BF: Haha your hair!
Me: *quietly* It was raining the day we took faculty pictures
What idiot named her Miley Cyrus’ grandma and not Nana Montana.
detective: take him away boys
video: *being dragged away* I DIDNT KILL THE RADIO STAR. I WAS FRAMED
YouTube: *flicks cigarette* the plan is going perfectly
1st date:
(don’t let her know how self centered you are)Me: what’s your favorite thing that I’ve said so far tonight?
The American flags on the moon have been bleached white from 44 years of solar radiation. If aliens ever attack, we’ve already surrendered.
Tried counting sheep, but now I’m emotionally invested in their backstories and I think one might need therapy.
I was feeling really, really stupid today. And then I remembered that there are probably other people out there that also feel really, really stupid. And I felt a little better. Thanks everyone.
I’m not afraid to go to prison I really need a vacation
Don’t let that “Metalica” t-shirt fool you. She knows every word to Miley Cyrus’ “Wrecking Ball”
Attending multiple open houses today… I’m going to walk into every empty room and ask “now does this come with the place?”
Follow, because I write books and you imagine I will impart great wisdom to aspiring writers. Unfollow, because I mostly tweet about squirrels and the dead mouse I found in the basement that one time.
Buzzfeed writer wanted. Must love current events, pop culture and have a Bachelor’s degree and a history of head injuries.