All I’m saying is people who don’t swear are fornicated up emotionally.
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Rhyme scheme tweets are kinda dumb
When I think about ‘running a tight ship’ I’m reminded that I’m more of a ‘walking a loose boat’ kinda girl.
My daughter has a pink camo shirt in case she needs to infiltrate barbie’s dream house I guess
Superpower: giving evildoers the hiccups, then on day 23, you throw them off a building but by that point they’re just sobbing “thank you”
Still thinking about the woman on the train I once saw wearing a lanyard that said “Sarah Hunter” and wondering how many Sarahs have died at her hands.
Oh that’s my brother, he has his own apartment upstairs
Dear young cashier,
$100.89 is not pronounced $189.
Signed, a lady you scared
“I drive like lightening.” “You drive fast?” “No. I hit trees.”
I wear a ski mask to bed so if there’s a home invasion the intruder will think I’m part of the team.
The best part about being thirty is that I’m finally old enough to play a high schooler in movies.
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides stay drunk.
When I was kid the internet was called Encyclopedia Britannica
[coming back into house from grocery store]
Me: thanks for coming with me!
7: I didn’t really have a choice.
Me: but it was nice, right?
5: we can’t stay home alone.
bewitching sea ghost seeks unwary sailor for fulfillment of ancient curse, maybe more
The worst thing about having kids is that they grow up, but the best thing about having kids is that they grow up.
Whenever I leave a public bathroom I fold the toilet paper into a fancy triangle to class the joint up
Her: The problem with men is they only ever want one thing!
Me *nodding wistfully* a sequel to Ratatouille
Instead of cars warning us of stupid things, like the door is open, it should tell us useful things, like there’s a cop hiding in the bushes
Daughter: Daddy, I can’t sleep.
Me: *gets warm milk* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *reads a book* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *starts to sing*
D: *fake sleeps so I’ll stop*
Me: Man, I should have started with that.
My wife just asked me why she came home to find marinara sauce all over our sleeping baby’s head. Sorry babe, I’M NOT A DETECTIVE.
My husband kept me up last night playing Call of Duty on his phone, so this morning I changed his ringtone to someone farting, and then called him repeatedly when he went to the gym.
The “bangles to politicians” insult says “come be weak like women because the weak wear bangles”. No thanks, “self-proclaimed real men”.
*waits for someone to have sex with me so I can use the ‘sex with me is like’ joke format*
I guess my package was delivered by Disney animals
i remember when i was like 19 i met sza and i told her ctrl got me through a break up and then she goes “aww babe that makes me so happy. how are you now?” and i go “back with him” and she said nothing and we just sat in silence.
Why’d they call it a catapult and not an over the shoulder boulder holder?
If you startle me, I blow up like a puffer fish and roll away.
if you want to know how much i love freedom i don’t have an oven we just shoot our food with guns until it is warm enough to eat
Women would be all over Bruce Wayne if he showed them the bat cave, but when I say… “hey wanna check out this cave under my house?”…. I get karate chopped
Instructor: “Weapons are oft named for their purpose.”
Young Woman: *nervously eyes the cutlass*